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"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

***A Quote From The Velveteen Rabbit

Tuesday

HOME

Home is where the heart is

I want to go home

Wherever that is

Saturday

Ibogaine...A Possible Release from Severe Addiction?

Several years ago I lived in a small camp in Baja California, Mexico, called Baja Malibu. Quiet, quaint, beautiful, cheap and only about 15 miles from the US border, it was amazing. I'll never forget the Bu or the great times I had there, the great friends I made there, or the fact that I got Bruti while I lived there...Or many of the interesting things I learned there.

A few houses down from me on the same street lived an interesting (to say the least!) couple named Maya and Martin. Martin preferred the name Mars, he was an odd cat, tall, Mexican, hippie...Intelligent. Intellectual in a different and interesting way than I was use to. Even though most people (and even yours truly) found him weird, I liked listening to him talk. He had interesting ideas.

Maya, a HHP and massage therapist, was Caucasian and very fair, with long wavy red hair. She, too, was interesting to me, I was just learning what holistic health meant, and becoming very interested in a more natural lifestyle. I remember asking her lots of questions about being a HHP and even a massage therapist, and she was cool, she never seemed to mind answering.

Over time it became obvious that Mars and Maya were working on some kinda project. A documentary about something. They never talked about it, and I was always curious, of course. One particularly late night Martin finally spilled the beans. They were doing testing, a study....On a cure for Heroine addiction.

Mars and Maya explained to me why Heroine is so addictive, what happens to the brain when a person does H, even one time. They explained to me that there is no "cure" for this addiction, at least, legally. Then they told me about Ibogaine. Some kind of root from Africa that cures Heroine addiction, after just 1 treatment!

They told me that the treatment, however, was illegal in the US, because Ibogaine is considered a drug itself. And for good reason! The trip that one embarks on upon taking this substance, according to my neighbors, was similar to taking Peyote. A spiritual journey, lasting up to 3 days, but with lifelong results regarding addiction to H. Somehow, this Ibogaine, would permanently fill the receptors in the brain that scream for H, that keep an addict an addict.

Eventually, Mars and Maya's landlord got wind of something going on in their house, and kicked them out, stating that a business could not be run from that location. Basically, the old lady neighbors, like hens always clucking around, saw people in and out, and cameras through the windows, and started a rumor they were filming porn. Needless to say, Maya and Mars moved, and I have not seen either since.

My story so far is simply a recollection of late night conversation, and may not be worded accurately, but this is what I remember. It's always stuck with me, along with a lot of questions regarding WHY our government wouldn't consider testing this substance if it can have such a profound benefit! So many people suffer from Heroine addiction! But....Go figure.

Then, thanks to a FaceBook friend of mine who posted a link, I came across this article: Why Thousands Are Turning to a Psychedelic Plant from Africa for Release from Severe Addictions | Drugs | AlterNet which is about....IBOGAINE! Check it out, and if you're inspired, follow the link and read more....LOTS more.

Here’s how the miracle works. The conventional approach to treating opiate addiction is to employ a substitution therapy like methadone or suboxone, maintenance drugs that keep the addict addicted to a less potent, more manageable opiate analog. This means that the only available treatment does not actually stop the addiction. So what’s the point?

Ibogaine works, it is believed, by filling in the receptor sites that the opiate molecules once sought, ending the craving for the drug, while at the same time metabolizing in the liver into noribogaine, which is thought to have powerful detoxifying and anti-depressant properties. The million dollar jackpot is that ibogaine can eliminate the exceedingly painful and dangerous opiate withdrawal process, sometimes in a single dose. In effect, it has the power to hit the reset button on the brain’s neurotransmitter mechanism.

Ibogaine has never been popular as a recreational drug regardless of its legal status. There is not a single recorded case of ibogaine addiction anywhere. Those who use it do so infrequently, because, like ayahuasca or peyote, it takes a toll on the mind, body and spirit, never mind that most folks don't consider vomiting and diarrhea to be particularly social activities. Only two iboga-related arrests are known to have occurred in the U.S., and 20 people are on record as having died within 72 hours of taking ibogaine, mostly due to either heart complications or drug contraindications.

This specific focus on the treatment of addiction is what distinguishes the ibogaine underground from other psychedelic subcultures, like the rapidly growing ayahuasca community. Writing on the “ibogaine medical subculture” for the Journal of Ethno-Pharmacology, Alper and Lotsof describe the underground as, "...homes, hotel rooms and private clinics in North America and Europe, [where] individuals in increasing numbers are taking ibogaine in what has been termed ‘a vast uncontrolled experiment.’”

Because a safe and legal alternative is not available in the U.S, the ibogistas have been forced on to more tolerant legal climes in Canada, Mexico, Costa Rica, and Europe in order to avoid becoming de facto criminals. For those who remain in the states as lay-providers, they role the dice every time they take an addict’s life into their hands, but they feel, unequivocally, that the medicine is safe and the risk is worth it.--- Why Thousands Are Turning to a Psychedelic Plant from Africa for Release from Severe Addictions | Drugs | AlterNet

Could this Ibogaine cure the uncurable? What do YOU think??

Thursday

Night Time

i really like my space
it's a big part of why i love the night time

it's so quiet


and lonely



and cleaner

One Wish

if i could have just 1 wish right now....i would wish for a snuggle
i want to be held now,
right now. i need to be loved in this very moment,
i hate the early mornings of the day following a bad day...

could i snuggle in as close as possible, bury my self in your neck
wiggling and feeling around til i find the perfect spot
where the shape of your shoulder fits the curves of my face..
where i can't see anything, where nothing can see me,
but i can still breathe through my nose.....

can i wrap my feet around your legs, flattening myself to your skin 
til a part of you is touching every single part of me
wrap some of your hair round my fingers a few times..
rub it's softness between the pads of my first and middle finger
i'd put my other hand on your chest so i could feel you breathe..
and your heartbeat..

would i finally find the safety and comfort i need, i so desperately want
in this space..this love space
could i finally just feel loved and let go of all my judgment
and experience what i just KNOW exists..i believe it's out there 
something bigger than life, and i want it..to truly love and be loved 
to truly believe and feel it

The Right Thing

My close girlfriend hit me up on instant messenger last night, we chat often since she moved back home to the east coast from San Diego, some time ago. I cherish these moments I'm privileged to have with her, even if only online and lacking the majority of the nonverbal interpersonal communication that is often necessary for deep understanding between 2 individuals. As kindred spirits, our connection is always present, despite the physical distance between and the passage of time, spiritually we are always within reach of one another.

I miss and love her dearly, she is a GOOD person, she is REAL, she is growing and evolving in ways one can only hope to witness throughout the lives of ALL the people they love, which, ironically, are commonly the same ways we often resist, refuse to acknowledge, and just plain deny ourselves personal growth in our own lives. It's The Hard Stuff, the parts of us that we don't want to admit, don't have the confidence to take a look at, the things which trigger our shame, insecurity, anger, sadness and all the other emotions which are a natural part of our soulful existence as human beings, but are regarded, unfortunately, as negative and unattractive.

Every time I talk to my friend, she's working hard to achieve a deeper understanding, or at least a deeper acceptance of herself and others, she's creating space for growth..And LOVE..I'm so proud of her. She's amazing, beautiful and brave, an inspiration...I'm blessed to have this space with her, it's always a learning experience in some way. It's so easy to love my Bean, and she deserves it.

We talk about a variety of topics, anything that comes up. There is no need to filter what is communicated, there is no judgment. How nice to have a friend to tell anything to, that can be truly and infinitely trusted, who's feedback is immeasurably valuable but who offers advice without expectation, honoring and supporting your right to make your own decisions based on whatever criteria you've determined pertinent to the outcome of the situation in question. Someone who may not always understand your needs, but at least respects them, and encourages you to do so as well.

As amazing as this is, I sometimes don't do a good job of honoring the woman she is in my life..And I end up feeling guilty, irritable and exhausted, not to mention inadequate. There are 2 contributing factors in this and both have the same central theme, which is that I rarely take space for myself when I need it, They are:

1) I am almost always there when she calls on me, even when I feel it's not in my best interest to be emotionally..I have a really difficult time setting boundaries, I often experience a feeling of intense guilt when I'm trying to determine appropriate boundaries, plus I become consumed with my inability to communicate that, sometimes, I am not in the space to take anything else on..OR that I simply don't have the energy necessary to be there for her if she (or anyone, this is a common issue for me) needs someone.

2) I also struggle with resistance to asking someone to just hear me every now and then, especially when I need it to just be about ME. There are times when I feel like I just need to talk, vent, empty myself of what's creating pressure, and I don't want to take in anything to replace what I'm releasing. Sometimes I don't want to be related to, I want my experience to be acknowledged as it's own, honored for what it is individually, in relation to ME, despite the similar experiences of anyone else. I really want to be heard, and sometimes I feel as though I'm not being listened to and truly acknowledged when I try to express myself as a way of asking to be supported, only to be answered with a story of how the person I am speaking with has been through the same thing. It's nice to be related to, I certainly don't want to seem ungrateful or selfish, but even if EVERYONE in the world has been through what I have been through, it doesn't make my personal experience any less significant or easy to deal with for me. I'm working on this, but I still rarely ask for help or support when I need it, from anyone, even her, even though I suspect I am taking away from her experience in our relationship by holding back.

Sooooo.....A few days ago I got to talk to her for the first time in probably a week, I was really glad to hear from her, we usually talk more than this, I think. Anyways, I was feeling lonely for her attention, to be perfectly honest. But on this day, as has been the case fairly often lately, I was not feeling well.

Depressed, bouts of crying out of nowhere, that feeling that life is passing me by, somehow...Loneliness, shame, longing, guilt, even regret. Yes...There IT is finally, I have decided there IS something, at least 1 thing, I have done in my life that I regret. It makes me nauseous to admit that, even now. 

Uncertainty, worthlessness, undeserving...I could go on with the list of the emotions I was experiencing, AM experiencing, but I don't know how self serving that would be, and I'm sure I've gotten my point across. I wasn't, haven't been, and still am not feeling good about myself, and of course, it is all in relation to the central theme and need in my life...Love. To love and be loved, to be in relationship mindfully and fruitfully. Fuuuuuuu! And now, the tears again. Ugghhhhhhhhhh.......

Ok, so.....One thing we ALWAYS talk about is where she's at dating and relationship wise. It's usually the first thing we talk about, and as usual, last night's conversation was started with an update about her guy and their relationship. Which I normally welcome and am eager to hear....But last night, I was not in the mood to talk to her about anything relationship related.

Because I was hurting so badly, and this particular wound I am working so hard to heal is so very deep, it was really hard for me to be open to her. It's like a wound to my spirit that, over time, couldn't heal and festered into a raging infection of my soul. And it hurts. It even encompasses my physical body, and it clouds my thoughts, sometimes even persuades my feelings. But I'm always trying to be a good friend, trying to have patience for her and myself..She deserves for me to be the same friend I always am, she deserves stability and a reliable confidante, even if I don't feel tolerant emotionally.

So I conversed with her about how things are going, how she is feeling, read about how happy she is and what her experience of being in love is like. And I still can't put words to how happy I am for her, this is such good news! I responded to her questions, gave her my honest opinion when asked, I was a good friend, as I feel I always am..All the while feeling as though I'm dying inside, still crying off and on. Instant messenger texting doesn't convey emotion, it's a very godless thing...So she never even knew.

In my recovery, and as I'm learning how to care for myself, I've come to realize that not only is it a healthy practice for me to set boundaries for MYSELF, inevitably all parties involved receive something from it. So at the same time I was being a "good" friend, I was failing her..And myself. It makes me feel so good to be helpful, to always be available, to be a "good" friend..And at the same time, in situations like this, I end up crushing myself. I can see both things, I can relate to both things..Maybe someday I'll be able to choose just one thing. The RIGHT thing.

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Wednesday

823

Disheveled here in this place called San Diego
Ohh, ohhh, oh and I know
At any time I can go
Anywhere....I only wanna come to you, though

dear jenni ~ (a letter to my sister, a hole in my heart)

(a bit of background.....for quite some time now i have not been speaking to my sister due to her unfortunate choice of lifestyle, but she still tries to make me/trick me/manipulate me/guilt trip me etc into talking to her. she knows how i feel, which is basically, when she straightens up, i'll come back around, until then, she needs to keep her distance. she struggles with that, but i refuse to be a part of this situation, i refuse to enable her by comforting her, relating to her, empathizing with her or even by just listening to her. things have been coming to a head lately, she found me on facebook and keeps sending requests and messages. all i want is to be respected and have my boundaries honored. is it really too much to ask? (that is sheer sarcasm, btw.....)


March 1 at 2:13pm ----- jenni, as I have told you before, more than once, I will let you know when I am ready to talk. You said you understood, please don't forget that. I want to remind you that I told you that when I FEEL you are doing the right things, first for the kids, and then for yourself, I will let you know. Until then, please RESPECT my decision and space, constant reminders that you don't respect me aren't bringing me any closer. You know what you need to do and so does everyone one else. Take care of yourself and your kids. I love you.

From Jenni ----- hey just wanted you to know i love you. no matter what. 4ever. and also just to let you know im doing a million times better. i hope to hear from you soon. i have another new number so that that dumbass cant get ahold of me. its --- --- ----. call or text anytime. once again....... i love you so much sis

-------I love you too, Jen, keep up the good work. I just got this, but I still feel the same way as I did when I sent my last message. I want to hear that you're doing good and doing the right things not only from you, or even Bobby and Megan or Josh and Megan, but from the other people who tell me what's going on too, whether family or friends back there. I'm sure you understand. But keep on doing right. I believe in you. I will always love you. I'm always here for you in heart and spirit. ♥

Her response ----- thank you. i needed to hear those words. i love you too. im gona keep on striving to be the best i can be. each day is becoming a better day.


so there's a little background on the situation, and here is hopefully what will bring some realization, for her, and some peace, for me, since i've finally spoken my piece.....



 SENT JUST NOW.....

good, jenni, that's what you need to do, and it's all you CAN do to get better. i just want to point out that you didn't NEED to hear anything, from me or anyone. this is about YOU. just you. and EVERYTHING you NEED comes from the Earth and our world, you are given oxygen and water, you have access to food. as for anything else you NEED right now, or ever, it's all within. no one can do this for you. you have to do it for YOU, and you have to do it right.

you will not die if i do not talk to you. or anyone, for that matter. you will not die if you do not get acknowledgment from other people all the time, if you don't constantly get "love" or whatever it is that you want in the moment. in fact, by crying and demanding and causing yourself and others emotional distress over these unnecessary things, by constantly being negative and confrontational, mean and condescending, you are doing yourself a great disservice. you are trampling and crushing the most real thing you have, the most real thing anyone has.

you are disregarding the REAL love, the one that's ALWAYS there, the one that you never have to ask for, the one that is more important than any other love. you are denying gratitude for the breath we are gifted, the energy we are privileged to share. you are saying it's not enough! it's not what YOU want! if you just settle down, be quiet a while, open your heart and your mind, you will see. the greatest, truest love is never spoken. it's never a source of pain. it's never used against anyone. it never runs out, it's always there.

but until you take the time to fucking look around, FEEL around, be a real goddamn person, you will always cry out for someone to love you, you will always feel empty and like your existence is mediocre. you will always blame others for your shit. you will continue to hurt yourself and everyone around you. because you are too selfish, too demanding of everyone but yourself, too lazy to take just a minute to stop. shut the fuck up. quit judging every single little thing and give the manipulation a rest for a while. even if just for a minute. if you put aside whatever brainstorm you're working on in the moment about how to get what you want...it'll be there when you come back to it. but put all that fucked up, selfish, inconsiderate shit down for a minute and humble yourself.

humble yourself, jenni. do you know what that means? i know you do, everyone does deep down inside, but do you remember? do you remember that no one owes you anything? do you remember that it's YOUR responsibility to make your life right, you are the ONLY one who can. have you forgotten that there are 3 children out there who have to see you like this, what in the world are you doing for their future? the only thing you can truly do to inspire greatness in children, jen, is be a good role-model goddammit. to fucking love them, and do it without the 3 side orders of double crispy drama with extra grease and some anger sauce for dipping. Because you can love them all day, but that doesn't mean they don't see the bullshit. it doesn't mean that you aren't allowing the most formative years of their lives be polluted with toxic energy and frequent lessons on how to fuck their lives up as much as possible. you have to remember that even if you are doing the best you can for them right now, with your current situation, they haven't developed the things like reasoning and critical thinking that they NEED to be able to recognize that. To be able to see that you're doing the best you can but it's still not good enough, and it's not the way they should ever treat people or allow themselves to be treated. all they see is "this is how life is for mom..it's normal...so that's the way it is suppose to be." what the fuck do you expect of them if they grow up seeing their mother live this way? how do you expect them to know any better, to not be abusive, to not take abuse, to be decent fucking people?

humble yourself, sister. who are you to demand anything from anyone? how do you expect to be happy in life when you refuse to treat yourself, not to mention those who love you, with kindness, compassion and respect?? when you are blind to all the opportunity and beauty in this world that is passing you by as you're too busy scheming up the next plan to take advantage of others because you aren't willing to do anything for yourself, your fucking life is passing you by, too. second by second. and yeah, jen, there's  always tomorrow....but what if one day, tomorrow is taken away? guess what, yesterday's gone, too. you'll never get those seconds, those precious minutes back. humble yourself. don't let your space on this Earth just slip away. stand up and be responsible for yourself goddammit! and for your feelings! quit spending all of your energy and brilliance scamming for money and whatever else you want. be accountable for yourself, take responsibility. do something you enjoy, or at least get a job you can tolerate so you can start dedicating the time and energy you expend on getting money that you dont deserve, that you didn't work for,  that you hustle, scam and lie for, to your kids, and making a better life for them. showing them that they don't have to live that way, that it's NOT ok. stopping this shit before it gets embedded in their souls any more deeply than it already is. they deserve a fucking chance! and so do you, so give yourself permission, jenni. you'll feel better about yourself, things will get better, i promise!

i can't think of anything in the world that is more sinful than not acknowledging how blessed we all are, than not having gratitude for the love we are all wrapped in, every second of our lives. there is nothing we can do in this world that is worse than not honoring ourselves, loving ourselves and giving ourselves permission to be humble. if you stop and put down all the bullshit, jen, let go of all the judgment, blame, anger and shame, all the stories, just let it all fall away, you will feel the love. you will see it. you will witness something amazing, beautiful. you will be able to witness yourself as a part of something bigger, and you will see that you have a place in that too! the last thing i am going to say is that it is NOT easy. it gets easier with time, but i can't even say that SOMEDAY it will be "easy"...but it will be WORTH IT. in the meantime, YOU'RE worth it. 

so think about it. or don't, it's up to you. either way, at least keep trying to be better. i'll roll back around when the timing is right for me. until then, there is no question that i love you, with my whole heart. that is why i refuse to be witness to this in any way, i refuse to be an enabler, to stand by and comfort you when you know you're fuckin up. but if you're really trying, jenni, and you're really doing what's best, what's right, it won't be long before that beautiful light shines through all the bullshit, and before long,  all there will be is light, the shit will be gone. and everyone will see it from a million miles away. when i feel it, jen, i'll be back. but until then, i fucking hate getting shit on my shoes, so i'll keep my distance.

i believe in you, and i sure do love you. i'm holding space for you and cheering you on, from afar. if you listen hard enough, i know you can hear me in your heart. i'll always be right there. i believe in you, jenni. you can do it.



UPDATE: From Jenni on    March 6 at 9:34am  

i have me sky nate and ky. ive never been happier than i am right now. ill talk to you whenever you want to talk. what really spins my mind though is that the only people that dont really seem to want to be here is the people who live so far away and dont really know whats going on. all they know is what they hear. i love you. tty when i tty