Live Life With Childlike Abandon

Sooo, while on hiatus this past weekend, I stayed with a friend I've known for a few years. Despite the length of time we've known each other, we've never spent much one on one time together, at least not enough to get to know the little bits and pieces of one another that really make us the people we are, deep down. 

I'm talking about the habits and beliefs one only sees when they look closely, when they are afforded the time, interest and attention span necessary to truly witness someone else...In the raw. Over the weekend there was definitely plenty of time, and I'm fairly certain I was under the microscope. After all, I'm a rare and interesting specimen, unique indeed!  *wink wink*

Throughout the days, my friend repeatedly told me how much fun I am, and I often caught him watching me play and explore with a look of (what I interpreted to be) awe on his face. The kind of awe people get when they watch a child having fun playing with a string or a box, a sort of amusement at the simplicity of a child's pleasure, maybe even a bit of longing, a brief reminder of when life was so much easier. A wistfulness that things could be so simple for them again, perhaps. 

All weekend long I let it all go. For the most part. There was a brief moment as I was reading some email when I was temporarily pulled back into the stresses that create walls in our lives. And as I felt my body tense up, my face get squinchy and tears well up in my eyes, I immediately fell into Child's Pose, a yoga pose of pure surrender, and I allowed myself to be held by Mother (Earth) until I could remind myself, "I am taking a break to take in what is..And not worry about what will be." 

So I walked away from my email, separating myself from my electronic leashes. I'm learning how to be more present in my life. And with the exception of that situation, I spent the days and nights I was away listening to music constantly, dancing, singing, playing with my pups, photographing bugs, feeding and petting Horsey, admiring his strength and beauty, spoiling him with more carrots and oranges than I was suppose to give him. 

I noticed tiny flowers and spent time examining them closely, noting their smallest characteristics. I ate fresh oranges from the same tree I searched for spiders, hoping to examine their beautiful webs, all the while allowing my hands and face to get sticky as I relished the sweet, intense flavor, thankful for the cool, refreshing nourishment of the citrus fruit. I always ache to feel the earth beneath my feet, so I walked around the yard barefoot, carefully since there were lots of thistles, and enjoyed the feeling of a small splinter piercing the flesh of my right food, it was refreshing to be reminded just how alive I am. 

I played hide and seek with my friend, and tag..We had so much fun running away from each other, me yelling and screaming, both of us laughing, having tickle wars when we would catch one another. Of course the pups had to get involved, what fun would a game of tag be without even teams of 2 dogs and 2 humans? We boxed with Butchy and got besos from Bru and instigated leg biting between the two pups..To say the least, all 4 of us burned a lot of energy, and were in great spirits all weekend long.

On Saturday night, we returned to the city for a DubStep show at The Kava Lounge. This was (for the most part) the first time I have gone out to a club just to dance since being in recovery, actually, for well over a year. I have been so nervous that I would not connect to the music the same way, or enjoy it as much as I use to when I would go dancing high. On the way in, a guy my friend knew walked past and asked if we wanted to roll..Anything was possible, as it always is. 

However, I spent this night drug free, danced for 3 hours straight. You couldn't have lured me away from the dance floor no matter what. I was having so much fun that even when my friend would step outside for a cigarette nothing could distract me. Social anxiety smocial anxiety..In this moment it just didn't matter. What I noticed was this: When I dance and I'm really feeling it, my eyes are closed most of the time, I laugh a lot, and I get really excited when the music oscillates. 

Sunday upon returning to San Diego, my friend and I decided to get sushi for lunch. We went to Zensei, a sushi joint I really like, not far from my home in North Park. We had Miso Soup, a Spicy Tuna Roll and Caterpillar Roll, Seared Albacore Nigiri and something new to me....New Zealand Pearl White Tuna Nigiri. 

As I was chewing the first piece of this new to me treat, my eyes got big and I pointed at my mouth while I said 'MmmmmHmmmmmmm!!!! MMMMMM!!!" and smiled the best I could, full mouthed and closed lipped. My friend, smiling, said something about how cute and obvious it is when I really enjoy something, sort of like a little kid. 

When I swallowed my food, I said thank you..And briefly explained my thoughts on enjoying life to the fullest. Which went something (but not exactly) like this: 

I want to experience everything in life with childlike awe and wonder. I want to truly enjoy every second as though I haven't been conditioned by society, I want to be amazed by what I'm experiencing, full of love, happiness and appreciation. Why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't anyone? It may, indeed, be the fountain of youth. Because we are only as old as we make ourselves out to be..Age is a matter of perception. 

I don't care what the number game says, I want to live and love every second of life with childlike abandon. 

In Due Time

I know that thinking about the future (or the past, for that matter) too much prevents me from being present RIGHT NOW, which, in reality, is all that really matters. In MY personal opinion, at least. Because I know the past is gone, and the "future" may never come, and who knows what will happen from one second to the next..But knowledge doesn't make me anything greater than human, I live a very human existence. Obviously.

So, sometimes I think about the future. And the past too of course, but that is another story, for a future blog. Or 13,013 future blogs, perhaps!  ヅ  God knows I could go on forever about the past, who couldn't, right? Anyways.....This blog is about the future, and my feelings about MY future. Relationship wise, where I want to be, the potential of parenting, these ideas inspire this blog, and what I am experiencing.

Remarkable, isn't it, that I recently came to the conclusion that setting goals is, YES, a good thing, a GREAT thing...But at the same time, getting into the details in goal setting isn't so good. Because that's how we develop expectations, and expectations, I am learning, are what cause disappointment. Yes, it's true. Painfully obvious, but incredibly difficult to avoid. Again, it's part of the human existence.

Lately, when I get caught up in the great bear trap of my mind, the notion of the future and how I want things to be, and my thoughts carry on just a little longer than they should and my mental picture of my future grows less fuzzy and more specific..I'm left with something new. Instead of continuing on in my daydream, if you will, something else is happening.

The internal chatter ceases, my soul's buzz halts. All that normally fills me vanishes, leaving me so full of empty that it seems there isn't even room for comfort. Instead, I'm experiencing feelings of uncertainty, loneliness, a feeling that life is passing me by and an urgency that goes unanswered. Because I simply don't have the solution yet. It's something that comes with time.

I know that I could have someone to keep me warm at night. It could be someone different every night, if so desired. And there have been times in my life when it didn't matter, as long as someone was there. Any port in the storm, as they say. But it matters now. It REALLY fucking matters. Love, connection, chemistry, attraction, passion, trust, safety, inspiration..Suddenly, ALL of these things matter to me.

I know, I know, in due time. And honestly, I'm not even looking anymore. Not only do I realize I have work to do and intend on honoring myself by doing this work, I already know where I belong. It's something I just know, like a person just knows how to breathe. My past and my future are so intertwined, with the exception of my addiction, it's all very easy to see. Moreover, I feel it in my soul. I KNOW it in my spirit.

In due time. On a lighter note, like my mom says, I always get what I want..Soooo..In due time. 

HOME

Home is where the heart is

I want to go home

Wherever that is

One Wish

if i could have just 1 wish right now....i would wish for a snuggle
i want to be held now, right now. i need to be loved in this very moment,
i hate the early mornings of the day following a bad day...

could i snuggle in as close as possible, bury my self in your neck

wiggling and feeling around til i find the perfect spot

where the shape of your shoulder fits the curves of my face..

where i can't see anything, where nothing can see me,

but i can still breathe through my nose.....

can i wrap my feet around your legs, flattening myself to your skin 

til a part of you is touching every single part of me

wrap some of your hair round my fingers a few times..

rub it's softness between the pads of my first and middle finger

i'd put my other hand on your chest so i could feel you breathe..

and your heartbeat..

would i finally find the safety and comfort i need, i so desperately want

in this space..this love space

could i finally just feel loved and let go of all my judgment

and experience what i just KNOW exists..i believe it's out there 

something bigger than life, and i want it..to truly love and be loved 

to truly believe and feel it

Consider This....! (A CHALLENGE)

ORIGINALLY POSTED:   Monday, April 13, 2009 

A smile a day....

Makes the world a better place....


More often than not, we aren't present to witness the effect, whether positive or negative, we cause with our actions, and even our energy. Moreover, I'd say that, when it comes to ordinary, everyday communication with others, the percentage of us that retain these "normal" interactions in some sort of conscious short term memory bank to reflect upon later is very small. It's easy to go through life just watching your feet as you put one front of the other, and staring at the tv, letting it guide your mind...Never really thinking much.

But that's being irresponsible to yourself, to humanity, to the world. Although we can't expect to experience the outcome of everything we do, nor should we try, there is value in maintaining awareness of the shadow we cast upon the world and the effect it has on everything it shades, influencing other energy, and although indirectly, from there it spreads.


It takes 1 small pebble to create a far spreading ripple in a pond..


Smile at someone for no reason the next time you are walking down the street! See how they react! I have found that when I do this, and over the years I HAVE made somewhat of a study of it, the person I am smiling at looks confused and maybe a bit suspicious for a split second, but when they look into my eyes and see that I'm simply extending to them my greeting, a genuine smile, with no alterior motives, they always smile back. Even the ones that look like it is hard for the to muster up a smile for whatever reason. It's almost as though they have found hope in something so easy, so available, so free.

After you pass each other and have taken a few steps, turn around to watch the person you just smiled at. This is something I began doing after getting the same initial response time and time again, ALMOST EVERYTIME, regardless of circumstance. I found that nearly an equal amount of times, if someone was coming toward the person I had just smiled at, (obviously facing me, as well) when they would reach approximately the same distance from each other as I had initially been with the original smile recipient, the approaching person would suddenly have an amazingly similar reaction as the individual I'd originally met in passing, looking surprised at the person they are meeting then starting to smile.....


And so it begins.....


Do the right thing, do good! Make the world what you want it to be!