A Kindred Spirit

Quite refreshing.

Like a breath of country air, drop of water from a moutain spring.

Just a dwindling fairy tale in this urban decay.

 

A memory handed down ever more seldomly as the generations stray.

Technology, ever patient, quietly takes over.

Years, lives, eras, memories defeatedly grow shorter.

The end, the beginning, unsung revolution encroaches.

Abhorred and unheeded premonition, end of days incessantly approaches.

90 Days Deep on Tuesday the First!

ORIGINALLY POSTED: August 30, 2009 5:01:58 PM ON SHAKTI YAHOO COMMUNITY

First of all, I want to thank everyone for the warm and inspiring welcome to the Shakti Community Yahoo Group, I can't put into words how much the responses I have received from everyone mean to me, the encouragement and feeling of sisterhood is really amazing and something I have needed deeply for as long as I can remember. This just FEELS like home, and I am so gracious to be accepted and held here. Thank you!

Secondly.....Tuesday, September 01, 2009 is my 90th day methamphetamine free. This is HUGE for me, addiction to this substance has haunted me for 15 years. I am thinking I want to celebrate! Anyone have any ideas? What do all of YOU think??? 

Namaste!

F day 85, I'm over it and it's over anyways. Day 86 here I am..

ORIGINALLY POSTED:   Fri, Aug 28, 2009 at 12:41 AM    ON SHAKTI YAHOO COMMUNITY

So, this is my maiden post here on the Shakti Community group, so ahoy, friends, and to the folks I don't know, my name is Jamie Lee, and it is now 7 minutes into the 86th day of my recovery from a 15 year drug addiction, but moreover, all the shit I just have never been capable of processing appropriately. 

It's scary shit, feeling all these feelings. Seriously, truly FEELING them consciously and trying to cope with it. I'm tired, and scared.

I felt for so long that I was just floating by, that shit just happened to me and I couldn't help it, I had nothing to do with it in some way, while (oddly enough) still realizing that it was my actions that made them happen, still, always thinking, "It doesn't happen to everyone, so why me, why did I have the bad luck?"

But now, I don't see it like that anymore, it wasn't luck, it just was what it was. I see all this differently now, and the scariest thing is NOT figuring out that I have reaped what I have sown and that's just the way it is, what did I expect, instead it's realizing that I can do anything I want to do, and that I always get what I want..And always have been able to...

It's just that I have always chosen things that weren't the RIGHT things, you know? It's scary to feel so empowered, and to realize what I am capable of. ANYTHING! It feels like so much responsibility. Ugh! I'm just gonna keep on going, even when days like today, days where I don't FEEL like it, consume me with the undeniable desire to just turn it all off for a while.



So, where am I? Returning from a week long hiatus. No, I didn't relapse, I find myself definitely NOT wanting to use but trying to justify why I should not go to group or Shakti in general, finding other things to fill the void or occupy my time...Because this work takes everything I've got so often. Dealing with all the emotions exhausts me, not to mention that reaching 90 days without smoking crystal meth even 1 time is a pretty big milestone that taxes my energy even more. 

And with the fact that I haven't been feeling well this last week and am dealing with some scary health concerns, which include fatigue on an incredibly noticeable and disheartening level, I feel extremely tapped out. Like I just need to step back and put it all away for a minute, a day, a week, whatever it takes until I am back to my usual hyper as hell self, when I have the energy to take this all on like I want to. When I can give it 100% like I always try to do. 



But....Then I have dreams of using, actually getting high, I get my runes read and the story they tell is horrendous, synchronicity is all around me, and all these things point to Shakti, tell me to get myself back to the safety of my sisters, my friends, even though I'm tired and SICK of dealing with myself, and don't want to look in the mirror right now, don't want to go anywhere that I have to look at this.

So here I am, I made it to only 1 group this week and nothing else, but here I am. Gotta keep moving, no rest for the wicked, or is it weary, or maybe it's just me. LoL. I'm tired and can't keep track anymore of my thoughts this eve.

Maybe I'll sleep soon.


Where I Am, Where Do I Want To Be?

ORIGINALLY POSTED: September 13, 2009 8:09:03 PM ON SHAKTI YAHOO COMMUNITY

This week, as many of you already know, has been a hard one for me. And yes, although I have been clean from meth for 102 days, I did relapse on alcohol this week. There, I said it. 

I didn't like it Friday night when a fellow apprentice told others that I had relapsed on alcohol immediately after I told her. She asked me a question and I was honest in my answer, and yes, it's true that Shakti is open with issues like these, that they are public knowledge. But I feel like I deserved the opportunity to own my relapse, to tell the others myself, and that's something I still feel. I thought everyone deserved a chance to tell their "shit" first, and if in good time it hadn't been done, then out with it from anyone who may know. To me, 15 minutes or so just doesn't seem like "good time."

However, in retrospect, I recognize that I am not necessarily the authority on situations like these. I mean, if it was going to be known, who cares where it came from, right? God, I wish it were that simple, I wish all of this were simple, but nothing in life right now is easy. Or simple for that matter. 

This is all I've got right now, I'm spent. Another long day in a short life.

I Can't Even Process This Right Now

ORIGINALLY POSTED:   September 23, 2009   ON SHAKTI YAHOO COMMUNITY

Soooooooo....The Shakti Fall Retreat is this weekend, and my roommate is out of town. I need someone to watch over my dogs for me while I am attending, so I asked the people who live in the separate guest home behind my house today if they could take care of it for a day while I am gone, and they said of course! They know why I am at Shakti, they know about my battle with meth, and have been very supportive of me in my recovery so far. I thought I had this weekend worked out until a few minutes ago.

My girl wanted outside so I went to let her out and to my surprise, my neighbor's door was slightly open, they usually have the door shut at this time. I could see in, it's in my direct line of sight from my back door and I wasn't trying to look, but it just happens that they were sitting right inside with a guest, and low and behold, right in front of the door, one of them was holding a pipe. It was the type of pipe used to smoke crystal meth. It's definitely no mistake on my part, it's an obvious difference from a marijuana pipe, which isn't ok either, but jeeze! I guess they didn't think I could see in, because they didn't try to conceal it at all.

I'm so freaked out right now, I can't even begin to deal with this in my mind. I mean, really? I don't know what to say. I feel sick, and freaked out, and just confused. I can't consciously leave my little ones in their care, I feel so weird knowing that it's right outside my back door. I feel nauseous, I just don't know. I just don't know! I'm feeling upset, confused, sick and like I don't know up from down. I'm going to bed, but I needed to get this off my chest, I can't deal with the thought of what's going on in my own backyard! My mind isn't racing like it usually does, it's almost like I am drawing a blank right now. I don't know what to do. :-(

Group Interview=NEVER AGAIN

ORIGINALLY POSTED:   Sat Nov 7, 2009 8:32 pm   ON SHAKTI YAHOO COMMUNITY

First of all, thank you all for your reassuring and encouraging emails, messages and calls, and for holding space for me. It really helped me get through the day and actually go do something that had me literally shaking in my skin and on the verge of crying even as we pulled up to Good Vibrations. And thank you, Shannon, for responding, although I didn't get your message until I after I got home from the interview. I don't really know what to think about that right now, aparently my mind is on hiatus from logic currently. But it means a lot to hear from you, as always.

Anyways....I have been asked to post about the interview, and despite my strong desire to just curl up in a ball in my bed and hide, I feel that I owe it to everyone to tell the story of tonight, out of gratitude for your support, kindness and love. So here it is.

I have never experienced such a thing as a group interview before, in fact, I didn't even know that there was such a thing until today. I wish I still didn't. The next time I apply for a job and they say the 2 words GROUP INTERVIEW, I'm reply with the two words NO WAY. I think I feel worse right now than I did all day long leading up to this evening's trauma. But in a different way. I'm not nervous about doing something so triggering and scary, now I'm simply incredibly consciously aware of some things I already knew, but just hadn't fully faced yet. And reminded of a few things I don't want to think about.

I am almost 31 years old and I have no idea what the fuck I am doing.

I have gained so much weight since I quit using meth that none of my pants fit anymore, with the exception of 2 pairs of jeans and a pair of khaki pants...But I can't afford to pay my bills let alone buy some new clothes. It became painfully obvious to me tonight just how financially fucked I am right now when I couldn't find anything to wear that fit and that is interview appropriate. I immediately felt judged when I walked into the room with 8 or so other women all there for the same reason as I giving me the once over. Something tells me that the obvious ones probably didn't even realize they were telling me what they were thinking of me without even uttering a word. Normally I wouldn't give a shit, but I actually meant to wear something nicer, I just didn't have anything. My discomfort in this isn't related to how they perceived me, it's all about how I perceive me.

My mind goes blank whenever I am taking a test, it's simply something I have come to understand from taking college classes. But now, apparently, my mind has decided to fail me even when I simply feel as though I am BEING tested or put on the spot. End result = I feel incredibly stupid. (I have felt like that, I have always known that I am just a bad test taker despite being very intelligent) Great! That should definitely mix well with my feelings of inadequacy among other things.

I don't know who the fuck I am anymore. When I was using, I knew exactly who I was, and I was passionate and headstrong about it. Now I just feel uncertain and confused a lot.

I am 31 years old on December 28th.......But I don't view myself as an adult. I look at people around me and in my mind I call them grown ups. Kirsten Keach is a prime example of this. I'm SEVERAL YEARS older than she is. I feel like a little girl still. This is so weird to me. I wonder if my mind is just not right anymore or something. I could give a whole bunch of other examples of my mind doing this to me in the form of my behaviors, the way I communicate sometimes, the way I play and do art.....The list goes on and on, but this piece right here scares the crap out of me and I've had enough of it for tonight.

Jesus, none of this was even the point of this email. The interview. Well, basically, we all sat in a room and they asked up a bunch of questions. We had to write our responses in 10 words or less. There is no reason I should have problems doing this, it's not a bunch of academic stuff that I had to learn or memorize, it's all stuff about me. Who I am. And I KNOW that I know the answers to these questions, because I have answered them all before time and again. AND I even reviewed my worksheets from resume building class a few times, which were the same type of thing. But THIS time, my mind just went blank. And it took me a long time to be able to think of anything to write. So I got behind, which freaked me out because I knew I was failing, and they were watching. And they were watching as I was still filling in the answers for some time after they were done asking the questions and everyone else was done answering them. Which means I wasn't giving the person speaking my full attention, which is just NOT ok. Plus, every time I spoke, it just didn't feel like it came out right. Like my nerves were just short circuiting or something.

I don't know what happened. I DO know, though, that I wasn't impressed at all with myself, I feel like I failed myself, I'm so disappointed in myself because I KNOW I would be great for that job, it's right up my alley. And I invested a lot of time preparing for that interview, getting my resume to what I felt was as good as I could really get it specifically for that job. I also spent a lot of time researching the company, reading every page on their website, taking notes, getting prepared. Also, going over all my stuff from resume and job skills class. I also allowed a MAD amount of time for myself to get ready, usually I always have to rush because I tend to procrastinate or get distracted. But I didn't do that today, I was early and everything. Nervous and scared to death, yes, but I was not only on time, but at least 5 minutes early.

And I asked a question about the company from their website, something they didn't address, that showed I had done my homework. And I shook their hands and thanked them when I left. But I left knowing that I won't get that job. I can just feel it. And I left feeling even worse than before I went, but for different reasons. I don't want to deal with this!

I feel like I'm just trying to get by, trying really hard to do the right thing, and right now, I feel weak. And the last thing I want is to be kicked by whatever just kicked me. I feel like this knocked the wind out of me and I'm having a hard enough time already just breathing normally. This is fucking hard!

A RESPONSE FROM SHANNON!!!

"I don't know who the fuck I am anymore. When I was using, I knew exactly who I was, and I was passionate and headstrong about it. Now I just feel uncertain and confused a lot.

I am 31 years old on December 28th.......But I don't view myself as an adult. I look at people around me and in my mind I call them grown ups. Kirsten Keach is a prime example of this. I'm SEVERAL YEARS older than she is. I feel like a little girl still. This is so weird to me. I wonder if my mind is just not right anymore or something. I could give a whole bunch of other examples of my mind doing this to me in the form of my behaviors, the way I communicate sometimes, the way I play and do art.....The list goes on and on, but this piece right here scares the crap out of me and I've had enough of it for tonight."

your next line says somthing like "jesus, none of this is the point of this email.

Um, Jamie Lee, ALL of this is exactly the point of this entire situation, including the group interview.

This is it, honey, this is the piece to turn into in your recovery work. This is early recovery, and wow, you summed it up so beautifully, in all the pain, angst, confusion, fear, uncertainty. You've taken steps into the unknown, and now, guess what, you don't know. I'm very "proud" of you, if you will, and moved by your honesty.

There are many tangible ways to get support from your email that you wrote- that are smaller chunks than this entire thing (what I quoted above). Might I suggest you print the email and go over it with someone and pick out the places you can get tangible help and/or support? or tangible things to begin working on.

You go, lady, you're doing it.

Shannon

I Have a Job Interview Today

ORIGINALLY POSTED: Sat Nov 7, 2009 11:01 am ON SHAKTI YAHOO COMMUNITY

hello sisters,

I am hoping that someone in our wonderful and broad community of healers and amazing women may know these people. I am interviewing for a receptionist/office assistant position with them today at 5 and am just wondering if they are somehow connected in any way to Shakti or any of my sisters. i guess maybe i'm hoping that if they are, somehow it might help me.

I'm so nervous that my stomach is in knots (again, :-( and i was finally feeling better after being under the weather practically all week!) and i'm feeling really choked up, teary eyed and so scared/nervous/self conscious/etc that i am shaking badly through my entire body. i have chewed the crap out of my right thumb, i mean, it's definitely been worse, but wtf? am i so compulsive in my nervous state that i do that without even noticing what i'm doing? i hope they don't look at it! AND i have cried a few times this morning already, with more to come i'm sure, and really couldn't get much sleep last night.

i finally finished a rough draft of some semblance of a resume and sent it off to my stepmom who is going to read it over for me since she is skilled with the resume thing. i wrote, picked apart, erased, scribbled and scrapped that piece of paper 2 times before she finally convinced me to stop beating it to death and send it on over...

i can't remember the last time i interviewed for a job, let alone had a resume. and what does one put on a resume when for the last several years her main form of employment was either as a stripper, or more recently, an escort? i don't think that would be real impressive to anyone hiring for a legitimate job, and really, i can't blame them.

so.....a real job. maybe, just maybe. but first....the preparation necessary to even apply, and then an interview...PLUS the lady told me on the phone that this is going to be a "group interview"....what in the world does that mean?! whatever the answer, my mind just can't seem to wrap itself around the concept that it could be anything but bad....and totally scary.

all of this makes me feel like i just wanna shut down completely. feeling all these feelings at all, let alone so strongly, is so overwhelming that i feel like i'm caught in the riptide, being pulled out into the ocean and tossed around by the waves. like when you get rolled surfing at the beginning of a big set, and the waves won't let you get your bearings and get to the surface. that feeling of desperation and fear that you feel when you really NEED to get a breath, but you have no control because you're caught in the unforgiving ocean waters. fuck.

anyways......if anyone knows anything about this company or these people, it seems like knowing that would make me feel better for some reason. any insight would be appreciated.

love, jamie lee

Good Vibrations Family Chiropractic

Dr Joe and Stacey Merlo, D.C.

San Diego Chiropractors

4060 Adams Avenue

San Diego, CA 92116

Recovery and Going Public....Live and In the Flesh

ORIGINALLY POSTED:   Sunday, February 07, 2010      

 






Friday, February 05th, 2010 marked the date of the Shakti Rising Friday Night Salon, a very important once monthly event which allows the community (including but not limited to future volunteers, donors, apprentices, etc) to come be a part of Shakti Rising for the evening. Guests experience first hand how the program works, and what it's like to be a part of the Shakti Community, from the standpoint of the Apprentices, Volunteers and Staff Members as they are given a tour of the grounds. A meal is also served, during which Guests are encouraged to converse with each other, Shakti Staff and Volunteers, and even the Apprentices. Friday Night Salons are a huge part of what sustains Shakti Rising, as this is a very real way for financial supporters to see how their contributions help create social change. Friday Night Salons are probably the most important event we host, please click HERE if you would like more information.
This month's Salon was particularly special to me, as I had my first experience speaking publicly about my recovery. Please click play on the YouTube video above to listen to my speech. You see, prior to the tour I spoke of earlier, there is a presentation explaining a little bit more about Shakti Rising and it's history.  And in the spirit of Valentine's Day, myself, being in early recovery, and another woman who's a mid-level apprentice, were to speak for 2-3 minutes each about what Shakti Rising's Mission Statement, The Heart of Shakti, means to us, and how it has resonated in the different stages of our recovery.

So, to rewind a little bit...Earlier in the day, I was fine tuning my speech, and ended up tearing it up and throwing it away. This is not an uncommon thing for me to do when I'm trying to put the finishing touches on almost anything, I become obsessive about my work being perfect and almost compulsively review it over and over, picking it apart in the smallest ways, until at some point I read it....And it ceases to make sense to me anymore. At which point I have to trash it, HAVE TO, because it's such a disappointment to me to ruin something I've put so much work into by simply trying to make it perfect. Ridiculous, right? Well, it happened. And of course, at this point, my concentration was shot. Of course, I wasn't happy about what I had done, but by this point, I couldn't figure out what was worse...Destroying my work or writing a speech that just didn't feel right with the intention of reading it to others. So, in defeat, I reached a state of acceptance and was able to avoid being overcome with anxiety. I'd figure it out one way or another.

So I got ready and went to Shakti, thinking that maybe a change in environment would help me focus. Try as I might, though, the best I could come up with was some notes, and embarrassingly, they were the most basic of reminders. "Hi, my name is...." "...I grew up in the HeartLand..." "I did a college project about Shakti...." Etc. I basically ended up with 6 sentences written down on the back of my copy of The Heart of Shakti, and I struggled to come up with that much. At this point, I started to feel the twinges of anxiety creeping into my body. But nothing else was coming to me, so I decided my words would have to simply come from the heart. As the time was drawing near, I did a practice run with one of the Shakti staff members. She said it was great, and to just go with it. That it's ok to be nervous, and to just take my time. Not long after that, and only minutes before it was time to get the show on the road, we got the news that I would be speaking alone...

Of course, at that point I got even more nervous, like, REALLY nervous..The other woman that was suppose to speak with me is incredibly amazing at public speaking. So I'd kind of comforted myself with the thought that even if I messed up really badly, it would be ok, because no one would remember what I'd said anyways, good OR bad, after hearing her speak. So now all I had to rely on was myself, and thankfully, I didn't have a lot of space to process that fact, or play out my vision of what could happen and every possible ending/fatal, irrecoverable mistake over and over again in my head, because there just wasn't enough time for that.  And before I knew it, we had moved from the entry way of the Butterfly House into the living room, and I was being introduced to a very energetic group of probably 30-40 people, mostly strangers.

I began to speak as soon as I was introduced, but even before my introduction, as I was listening to Christianne talk about important details like the location of the bathroom, etc, I started to get that funny feeling in my throat, and my eyes started to feel moist. I was about to start crying, before saying even 1 word. It took all of my willpower to NOT let that happen. And when I did begin my speech, I could hear it in my voice, the wavering sound of someone who is about to start crying. But I didn't cry, I started speaking and didn't stop until I felt as though I'd made the point of my speech clear. My nose even started to run a little, like it does when I cry, and I started to feel very hot and a little sticky a few sentences into what I had to say, but I focused all of my attention on making sure that my story came from the heart, and touched on everything that I wanted to say.

When I was done and had exited the room, I immediately started getting a lot of excited feedback. So many people said that I was great, that my story was very moving and beautiful, and a few people even told me that I had succeeded in making Mallory (one of the directors of Shakti Rising) cry. A lot of people told me that I didn't seem nervous at all, and that I certainly didn't seem like this was the first time I had done something like this. So I guess those 2 things can be our secret! But above all of these things, and all of the other nice, encouraging things people had to say to me throughout the rest of the evening in regard to my speech, the thing that has stuck with me the most is a feeling of accomplishment, and even deeper than that, a more developed sense of self confidence and a deeper trust and belief in myself. I was real, I was only who I am, I came straight from the heart with honesty and passion. And it worked out perfectly. What I have to say and who I am does matter....And I CAN do it!

 

Anger

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Wednesday, January 20, 2010
  

It's 2:25 AM Wednesday, January 20th, 2010....And here I am. The solace of night is comforting, but not as much as usual. Even though late nights/early mornings are becoming less "usual" for me in my recovery, I do have to say. Regardless, I still enjoy this space, on a very deep and intimate level, for what it's worth. Which is still a lot, to me.

Anyways, it's been a while since I have been here, I almost feel delinquent in my participation, and unworthy of posting, since I feel I should be here all the time for the sake of validity or something, I don't know, most likely that's my insecurity echoing around inside my head. I almost always feel as though I am not good enough, for ANYTHING, for one reason or another. Or that I don't do enough to deserve to be heard, or cared for. But that isn't even the real reason I am awake tonight, alone on SR Community.

It's really no surprise to me that I have already spent over 10 minutes typing and thinking on this post, dancing around the subject that brings me back around...ANGER. It's soooo hard to talk about, and even really understand for me. Maybe because more often than actually feeling that emotion, I feel something else. Anything else, really. Where the fuck is my rage, my very real, painful RAGE and ANGER? Why am I so resistant to conjure it, to feel it, to acknowledge, embrace and honor it? I am not so sure that I ever get really ANGRY. Even when I think I should.

More often, like this past evening in Group, I can't process, can't deal with anger. I watched my sisters doing healthy anger practices, I was witness to the beauty and raw expression of women I love and respect stepping through a door, making a conscious decision for change, for something greater. Embracing the strength and courage within. Screaming, crying, struggling, trying, denying only to find the strength to be forthcoming. Embracing the right to change their minds, trusting the process and allowing the women around them to hold space. To give them the energy, the love, the acceptance to commit to a scary, uncertain new reality. That it's ok. It's really just fucking ok just to be with whatever is there. Anything that's there, whether they had deemed it inappropriate or unjust, judgmental or selfish, or whatever else their psyche and all the world's weight may have caused them to labeled their anger. Because no matter what, none of it's bullshit, it's all very real. It's there for a reason. It deserves to be recognized.

And as much as this isn't the point at all, it's everything to me right now. Because in all this, I could feel no anger. I couldn't feel the fire. As the women who are my peers, who are my family, whom I love very much went through this process, one by one, passionately and whole heartedly, participated in this exercise, inspiring and encouraging one another to take the leap of faith by holding space, I held space as well. I wanted to go home so badly. As my sisters, one by one, let out their anger, their screams got more and more distant in my ears. And my heart beat faster and faster. And all I could do is cry silently to myself, the only sound coming from me my sniffles and my tears falling from my down turned face only to land on the cuff of my jeans.

And when it was my turn, when I was the only person left, I couldn't do it. I couldn't find anger. I couldn't even move. When my name was called, I found myself several feet from where I was originally sitting, I'd even left my bag behind, I'd unconsciously migrated toward the door. I probably could have reached the knob without even fully turning around. I couldn't commit, I could barely breathe, let alone speak. And when I did finally respond to being called, my voice sounded weak to my own ears, and I could feel every nerve in my body. And all I could say was that I wasn't going to do it. I would talk to my therapist in session about this, but I had no anger. And I didn't. Nor could I tap into or remember any anger. I couldn't even remember anything that makes or even has made me mad. NOTHING.

First and foremost, I want to acknowledge my main emotion in the heart of the moment. I was scared. Fucking terrified. When people get angry I don't want to be around. I don't feel safe. I feel attacked just to witness it. I'm fucking weak. I'm a big fucking baby. I hang my head, my shoulders slump, my spine grows weak. Grown ups aren't suppose to feel like that, respond like that, aren't suppose to run away. At the same time, I want to acknowledge that the entire time I witnessed what happened, I wanted to run away. I wanted to just get up and leave and it took every fucking ounce of strength to stay. Not because I didn't want to support my sisters, but simply out of terror. And it's not their fault. Of course. I really don't want to seem so fragile that anyone is reluctant to express anything they are going through around me. I want nothing more than to be a pillar for the women I care for to lean on. I want to say "It's ok! I'm STRONG! I can take it! Talk to me! I LOVE YOU!" Because I do love all of them, each and every one of them. And I want to be big, I want to be strong. Pleeeaaaaase!

Also, I felt sad. Maybe even more than I felt scared, I really don't know at this point. Sad to hear my amazing sisters say "I'm angry because I'm not beautiful." Sad to hear my friends say "Why doesn't anybody LOVE ME?" Because each of them, every one of them is fucking perfect. Even now, at 3:15 AM, almost 7 hours after group has ended, thinking about this has me in tears. I don't feel angry at all, not even for whatever has caused them, or even myself, to feel this way about themselves. I just feel heavy hearted, broken hearted, soooo fucking sad that anyone has to feel that way. It isn't right. It's not okay at all. I'm also disappointed in myself. Shouldn't I feel angry? For all that hurts, for anyone that hurts if I can't feel it for myself?

I don't know. I don't know anything. I just don't know. I just ran away, as soon as group was over. I just left I didn't say a word, I couldn't wait to get out the door and go home to the safety of my room, my own very controlled world. Where I can choose what to deal with. And in this very moment, I am choosing to acknowledge my lack of understanding, my disappointment in myself...And in my mind, I keep telling myself that as an adult in the United States of America, an adult who isn't court ordered to be in a recovery program, an adult who's at SR by choice, I have the right to exercise my free will. I have the RIGHT to say no! I don't WANT TO, and I won't!

But is that really serving me?

No....No it isn't, and I'm failing myself. I'm really trying to do the right thing, I'm really trying to show up for myself, for my recovery...But when will I really be able to do that 100%? And until that moment, am I wasting my time? Everyone else's time? I hate failing. I HATE FAILING! It displaces me, failure. It is sad, it hurts, it makes me feel sick. And I feel as though tonight I have failed.

About a Girl...A New Chapter

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Monday, October 19, 2009
  

Sometimes I drink to stifle my feelings
I know it's wrong but I don't always wanna think about that
And more often I just don't care enough not to
Often I don't want to sit with what I feel
But I'm always I'm addicted to my shit
I never fail to get mad when someone tries to caretake me and take some responsibility for what I am going through
Because it's always mine
I'm very selfish like that
Sometimes the urge to smoke meth is almost unbearable
I always think that 15 years is long enough to have an addiction
But sometimes I don't care
And at the same time, I practice not committing to that desire
And I am sure that all of these things can exist at the same time
I always want to smoke a cigarette
But I'm also always trying to quit
I never buy cigarettes anymore
I know that's the first step
I always long for that special someone
But the desire's even stronger when I listen to music with a piano
And when I drink
And sometimes even when I am just sitting with myself
It's really always there
Such a strong feeling of need
Need to do something with myself that involves another
I find myself wondering why I haven't found that person yet
And then I remember.....I'm not fucking ready
But still I always want it
And sometimes I even cry for it
But more often I cry for myself
Not out of pity but out of relief
Even though sometimes I don't want to feel, I love knowing that I am alive
Sometimes I am shy
Yes, me, even I am shy
I am uncertain, I'm learning who I am
Without my best friend, my addiction, I am someone completely different than I have thought for so many years
I require a lot of patience
Sometimes I act out
I'm amazed to find that despite my immaturity and uncertainty, I am still loved
I feel selfish when I remember that I am loved but realize that I still want MORE
I often think of heartache past
And try to convince myself that it wasn't so bad
So that maybe if I call him, reconcile with him, I won't feel so lonely
Because it wasn't that bad....Was it?
It wasn't so bad it was unbearable....And then I wonder, What does that mean?
What does that say about me? I don't want to settle!
 I am weak!
And why am I so selfish to not be able to replace that unhealthy attention with the fullness and genuineness of what I am receiving now?
Because it's real. Can I accept what's real?
I have never known such a thing. Or if I have, I have dismissed it as boring and unfulfilling
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I know there is potential, but I grow weary
Comfort in immediate gratification
Even when it's really not gratifying but at least I knew what to expect
I hate to be let down
I have low standards
But I'm trying to raise them!
Everyday, even when I don't do the right thing sometimes, I'm always thinking of change
Evolution
I'm always thinking of someday
But trying to be present today
Be conscious in my body
It's so hard to live in the moment when the moment sucks
I often want to fast forward to the day when I am who I want to be
But when I think of it I remember that if I could do that
I wouldn't appreciate any of it
Because what is the future worth
Without the pilgrimage to the mecca
And who the hell is it that I want to really be?!
I don't even know that yet
I am guilty of not valuing things that are simply handed to me
I am guilty of taking advantage of ease
I am guilty of not loving myself
So how can I love anyone else
I am guilty of knowing all these things but still expecting more
I am guilty of insanity
I am guilty of lying
More to myself than to others, but what's worse when it all comes down to it?
And are those 2 things really different?
I have relapsed on coke
I have relapsed on alcohol
I have relapsed on marijuana
I have have even run to men
I have committed to doing things I know are not good for me
Sometimes I eat fast food
That in itself is terrible since I preach organic whole foods
I am a hypocrite
I am not as strong as I try to convince others and myself that I  am
I love yoga but I refuse to do it
Same with dance
I am lazy
I am mostly honest
Or at least I try to be
And I try to accept and understand my own discrepancies
I'm always working on that one
The longer I sit with who I am the more that shit comes up
But...Bottom line...I am just me
Trying to work to the best I can be
It's fucking hard goddammit.

Someday?

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Thursday, September 10, 2009 

Is there such a thing as closure, really, when there is deep pain that seems impossible to heal? Is there such a thing as closure when there is more than 1 party involved, and only 1 person is really trying to let go? When you have a deep connection with someone, someone whom you dream about, and in your dreams you see them as they are now, not how they looked when you last saw them....How do we know these things?! does that connection ever let you rest, does it ever lessen, does it ever go away when it's unhealthy? How do we disconnect from these connections?

I hope I know someday. Because today I don't know, and it eats me up, I don't know how to process this.

A story.....I had a dream last week that my ex-boyfriend/lover/soulmate/partner/best friend/EVERYTHING is here in San Diego. Not that we talked, just that he is here, in my dream, I saw him from a ways away, and he didn't see me. I found out the next day that he is, in fact, in town for the first time since April, and I have not seen him since December. He moved to Portland. He is the last person on my unfinished business list. He's always held onto me saying "Forever is a long time, we'll be together again SOMEDAY." It's made me feel as though I am bound to him in some way. The last time he was in town, I knew before he called. I felt as though he was sitting next to me, like a ghost by my side, for 4 days. I would hear his voice in my mind, and look over but no one would be there. It tormented me. So when he called it was no surprise.

To bring it back to present.....3 nights ago I had another dream that I was face to face with him, talking. And in my dream the most vivid thing was that he had short hair and was clean shaven. Like when we first met. When I saw him last, in December, he had long hair and a beard. And when he called in April, he told me he still had that. But when I ran into him a few days ago, the day after my dream, I wasn't surprised to see him with short hair and clean shaven.

Why do I know these things! Why is he still so present in my life! Why can't I simply disconnect? Why do I feel as though it needs to come from both sides?! After this meeting, I feel so conflicted. He says one thing but I feel another, and I don't know why. He says he's finally willing to let me go, but I don't feel as though the connection has been severed. All that keeps repeating in my mind and heart is SOMEDAY! Maybe SOMEDAY it'll be clear, it'll feel better! Practice patience! Be compassionate with myself! Believe in myself! But my heart hurts, and something I wrote for him so long ago keeps playing in my mind.....

"On this most recent full moon, the 9th of May 2009, a bright Saturday night, I gave up all that binds me, which I always called mine, that was never truly my own, gave it away, free to go, finally, anywhere it belongs. I've committed to the spiritual as opposed to the physical, the future instead of the past, bound mindfully to the present. There is no such thing as forever, I AM today, and in this moment, the only thing that's real, I'm present. I am HERE. I am ALIVE. I'm never looking back, only moving forward. Floating away, wherever my energy takes me. I'm committed. I believe."

But it's hard to believe when it feels like I want to achieve this thing, I've tried to achieve this thing, I've tried to let it go, I've written that I've let it go, I meant to let it go, but it never goes..HE never goes despite what he says..He ALWAYS comes back, whether spiritually or physically and he knows it...So, someday? SOMEDAY?! Fuck someday, what about ME....TODAY?

[Always have, always will. I'm Just Jamie.]

BRU'S NEWS and Canine Ear Candling

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Friday, June 05, 2009 

First and foremost I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who commented, messaged, called or thought of my little family over the last week, this has been an incredibly trying and emotionally exhausting situation, but hearing from everyone really made a big difference, helped me deal with it a little better, which obviously made things easier for her, so thank you all, your kindness will not be forgotten. All our love to each of you. :-)

So....On to the update! Yesterday was the 6th day Bruti refused food, and after managing to keep the water she was drinking down since Sunday, she started throwing up again. After speaking to the puppy doctor on the phone, I made the decision to wait to go back to the hospital, because she was still drinking, and more than she had been the previous days, she was keeping most of it down, and she seemed stronger and happier. However, I decided to candle her ears, something I had been planning to do when she became sick because she had a bit of an ear infection and that's what we do when Bru's ears start bothering her. It's a great alternative to pharmaceuticals, it works amazingly well, and immediately. But when she got sick, I decided to wait, since she was so weak and sleeping all the time, I didn't want to disturb her rest, she needed it to heal. But last night, she was feeling noticeably better, so it seemed a good time to candle.

Now, a personal opinion I have about ear candling....Not only is it an amazing thing for the ears and sinuses, as it draws out everything that's in there....It does wonders for the recipient as a whole. Without going into my personal analysis of why ear candling is such an incredibly healing and good thing for someone to do for their entire body, let me just say that, from my own personal experience, the experience I've gained from candling others and their reactions to it, and of course, the experience I've gotten from candling my dogs and the noticeable benefits they have from it, it's definitely a great thing to do for yourself. Bru, for example, has always suffered from ear infections, and she's gotten so use to them that she doesn't show any of the usual symptoms until the infection is REALLY bad. When she was little she had to have special ear drops and take days of meds from the vet when she would get an infection, until I decided that we weren't going to take pharms anymore unless it is absolutely necessary. So I decided to try candling when the need would arise, and amazingly, even with her worst infections, 1 session clears it up completely, and she's good to go for months. No drops, no meds, no vet. Just a set of good candles and an hour out of your day, tops. Not to mention that she LOVES it, she totally relaxes and just let's me do my thing. Imagine a dog with a long flaming cone sticking out of her ear, just laying there, not a care in the world...

Anyways, my friend John was visiting, checking in on Bruti and I, and agreed to sit in so I could do it, I never candle alone, LoL....Flames....Hair....Yeah. You never know, better safe than sorry I believe. Before I started, I told him that I had a feeling that after candling, she would be way better this morning...So we started the process. And while I candled her ears, I focused on her energy, my energy, and helping her heal, envisioned my hands transferring good, loving, healthy energy into Bruti's body as I rubbed her, and thought deeply of our love and my desire for her to recover. About how much she means to me and how much I need her. I gave her all my attention, all my love, all of me. And guess what? Today, there's another new believer in energy healing, my friend John, who saw her yesterday and was witness to what I did last night, is amazed by her condition today...It's as though Bruti was never sick. She's running, jumping, barking, (I haven't heard her sweet voice in a week!) EATING, met me at the door earlier, in fact, she beat me there! You'd never know that she'd been unwell, if she hadn't lost so much weight. Can you believe it?! Amazing, huh? :D

It's no doubt that the power of our love and energy and the effect it can have is incredible. That's why I say "Love what you've got today, because yesterday's gone..And tomorrow may never come. Love truly, love deeply, love fiercely & boundlessly, but most of all, love consciously & outwardly. Do it NOW." Just imagine, think of what the world may be if we all did this just a little more....Then throw in some ear candles and who KNOWS what might be possible, LoL!

All our love......<3

Love What You've Got Today...Re-Lived, Even More Up Close and Personal-Bruti's Reminder

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Tuesday, June 02, 2009 

"Love what you've got today. Days go by and things are usual and
comfortable, we grow accustomed to this and take the most special parts
of our lives for granted. Because the most special things are almost
always the things that are always there, the things we love, that love
us. I have found through all of this that I am guilty. I have often
taken advantage of the comfort that my most cherished things will be
there when I get home, and the days will continue to slip by just as
they have. It's a dangerous mistake. There may always be
tomorrow...But, if there isn't, yesterday is gone too. I don't want to
let the days slip by anymore..."
The Reality: Love What You've Got Today, originally written by myself for Princess the White Boxer, who was the girl of my close friend Franny. We lost Prinny to cancer a few years ago, it was and is something that affects me deeply, so close to home. And now this is revisited on an even more personal level, the lesson I learned so invaluable, I have to pay homage, have to be mindful.

The days that have passed since I woke up Friday, to the sound of my little girl vomiting on the floor next to my bed, have been some of the hardest I have ever lived. Yes, ever, in all the things I have experienced in my life, this definitely rates up at the top of the list of "The Worst Things I Have Ever Been Through" and it reminds me, there's no way it couldn't, of something a few years ago that took me a long time to deal with, a long time to put away. In retrospect, I shouldn't have ever completely put that away, there are some things so painful...We want to forget. But I am beginning to believe it's these things we should keep closest, to remind us to be mindful, life is so short and the days go by so fast. I want to make every day, every second, every THING the best it can be, no regrets that way...When you do your best and give it all you've got. I have no regrets, more importantly, I don't want any, either.

Friday morning, I woke up early, Butch and Bruti were already awake so I let them out and prepared their breakfast. When they came inside I went back to bed, assuming they would eat and then come in as they always do. Bruti came into my room much sooner than normal, but I was drifting along, neither awake nor asleep, somewhere in a half dream in between. She started trying to get my attention, I could hear her pacing and coming toward the edge of my bed and then away, again and again, sorta whining just a little, I told myself she was being a brat, she wanted up in the bed with me as she often does so I ignored her, I wasn't ready to dismiss my half dream to get up and let her in the bed with me. But I should have known, shouldn't have dismissed her behavior, her persistance with me was obvious, she never tries that hard, she really doesn't ever bother me for anything, she's a very good girl. And then I heard it..The warm, wet sound that you can't ever mistake, a sound that makes your stomach almost turn....Vomit making contact with the hardwood floor.

I was up instantly, "Oh Bru! What's wrong, PuppyGirl? Ohhhh nooooo! Come here little one," and she tried, took a step and a half and started heaving again. "Something's wrong, something's wrong," whispers through my mind, but all I could focus on is how bad I felt for not acknowledging her when she was trying to rouse me, she just wanted out. Poor puppy daughter, poor sweet Bru. So we headed toward the back door, she out into the yard heaving, and me to get cleaning supplies. The day, the entire day went on just like this, and Friday night most of the night, more of the same. Bru heaving, me cleaning. Water...Vomit, too much movement...Vomit, for no reason...Vomit. Bru hadn't eaten since Thursday night and hadn't kept any water down since then either. She couldn't get comfortable, just when you thought she was going to settle down, she would jump up and pace around, quickly, uncertainly. She wanted to be held but couldn't sit still. She fought sleep so hard that I had to pull an old school Baby Bru trick outta my hat and rub circles around her ears to get her down. When I did, I thought to myself that she would sleep it off, whatever it was. But even as she slept, she woke up a number of times heaving, throwing up on me, since she was sleeping with her head on my chest, twice. It didn't matter, it would wash off. My girl...After vomiting 13 or 14 times, I was wondering what could be wrong with my girl.

Saturday...She woke up a little happier. She drank a little water, refused food, as she had done on Friday, but drank a little water and didn't throw up. I went to the store, for pedialite and some eggs for her, she likes eggs and they're bland, and pedialite just to help rehydrate. Happy that she seemed better, I didn't worry about what had upset her the day before. When I got home, to my dismay, it started again. So now it was over 24 hours since she really hadn't been able to keep anything down, even water. 24 hours seems like an eternity when one of the most important things in your life is sick and hurting...But can't tell you what's wrong. My stress level nearly reached the panic stage when she threw up A LOT of watery fluid the color of healthy grass when I knew there was nothing in her stomach. She'd already thrown it all up. It was time to go to the puppy hospital.

Around 1:30 or so we went to the hospital in La Mesa. Something was on our side for that, they weren't busy at all, we didn't have too wait long. When the Dr came in I was sitting on the floor crosslegged, with Bru in my lap, her head resting on my shoulder. He looked like he wasn't expecting that, but to my surprise and approval, he sat on the floor as well when we started talking, eye to eye with us. He listened and was very interested in her lifestyle and the care I give her, and was very happy with the information I gave him, about that and the details of what had been going on the last couple of days. He wanted to do xrays and blood work. Fine. He wanted to take her into another room for all of that, and obvioiusly for the xrays that's necessary, but I wasn't going to let him have anyone put needles in my little girl if I wasn't present, and although he told me that was the rule, he made an exception and bent the rule for us, sending a lab tech in to get the blood. Then they took her to xray.

It really didn't take long until the doctor returned with Bruti, and they had the results ready really quickly. The doctor explained that in situations like this, we actually hope for no diagnosis, for no sign of pancreantitis or some liver problem that's apparently common, and that the dog just responds to whatever treatment and gets better, in which case we could presume it was the flu or something. Her xrays didn't show anything abnormal, I had thought she was constipated because she had been straining really hard to go potty, but nothing would happen. That can cause vomiting if things get too backed up. That wasn't the case. No blockage or tumors or anything. Blood work was mostly normal, with the exception of a few things that could have been from dehydration, but nothing to really go off of. No diagnosis. Just what we were told to hope for.

So, there was now the issue of treatment. Obviously, the Dr recommended that she be admitted and kept on an IV over night, there was obviously the risk of severe dehydration. But Bru is never away from us...I couldn't do that to any of us. We're like 3 peas in a pod...And peas don't change their pods. The vet was expecting this, and told me that, although he never offers it as an option, especially in situations like ours, there was outpatient treatment. He said that upon seeing her with me and hearing about her lifestyle, he would be ok with allowing that, but wanted to give her fluid under her skin, to combat dehydration, as well as a shot for the nausea. There's a time and a place for pharmaceuticals, even for those of us that do not use them, and obviously I accepted. I was just so glad to be taking her home with me. So, $550 and 6+ hours later, I left the puppy hospital with my poor little hunchback Bru, (They put the fluid under the skin in the shoulder area, LoL) no diagnosis, and instructions on how to care for her. At the bottom the doctor wrote, "Thank you for taking such good care of Bruti, she is a very sweet dog." Even now, just as it did the first time, reading or even thinking it makes me cry. She's my everything, of course I do all I can for her, she counts on me. She loves ME..I LOVE her. More than life.

The last few days have been trying. She's holding water down but not drinking enough. She sleeps nonstop. She's still feverish, and in 5 days she's only accepted 4 tablespoons of the chicken and rice that I am allowed to give her. I find myself spending a lot of time watching her sleep, the rise and fall of her ribcage...Watching her gradually get thinner. Begging her to eat, please drink more Bruti! I cry a lot, I'm not ready for this, not ready for anything with her unless it's happy. She's my one reliable, unconditional love. She's never let me down, I've always been able to count on her. Through some of the hardest times in my life, she was my rock, she kept me here. 6.5 years, the best and worst times of my life, just me and her. And Butchy for 5 of those years, but Butchy loves everyone. Bruti's like.....My palest shadow, my flag, my soul embodied outside of my self. She's my everything, and to see her like this is crushing.

I can only
say..It's humbling to hold something you love more than anything when the
future's uncertain, looking down at her sleeping in my arms reminds me that these 6.5 years haven't been enough..I'll never ever ever have enough of Bruti. I think back over the time, have I really appreciated it? Yes. But can you ever appreciate it enough??!.....So..Love what you've got today, because yesterday's
gone..And tomorrow may never come. Love truly, love deeply, love
fiercely & boundlessly, but most of all, love consciously &
outwardly. Do it NOW. Be mindful of the opportunity you have, time is short, there's never enough. It will never be enough.

True love NEVER dies, but....

Please let my girl get well now.

Howling at the Full Moon

ORIGINAL POST:   Thursday, May 14, 2009

A friend told me, just when I needed to hear it, needed to hear SOMETHING, anything, as long as it was real, that the full moon brings closure. And with the new moon comes new beginnings. Simply stated, thoughtfully related, desperately needed...I was ready, AM ready, steady, GO! Just let it go, give it away, it's not mine to keep, not my responsibility, karma will dictate accountability....But it's not on me, not anymore. It was never mine, I held it close simply to hold onto SOMETHING. But I don't want something, don't need SOMETHING, I deserve everything. So I let go of that which was never mine to begin with, but was the security I created for myself, to validate my pain, to keep a grip on hope, to hold myself down...I'm just like a balloon.........

On this most recent full moon, the 9th of May 2009, a bright Saturday night, I gave up all that binds me, which I always called mine, that was never truly my own, gave it away, free to go, finally, anywhere it belongs. I've committed to the spiritual as opposed to the physical, the future instead of the past, bound mindfully to the present. There is no such thing as forever, I AM today, and in this moment, the only thing that's real, I'm present. I am HERE. I am ALIVE. I'm never looking back, only moving forward. Floating away, wherever my energy takes me. I'm commited. I believe.

A friend told me that the full moon brings closure, as the full moon was shining brightly, visible from the window we were watching the world through. A world that now looks different, inviting, washed clean..Pure in the perfect illumination of the big moon. And finally, for the first time, my attempt at self initiated closure was successful....A breakthrough. A relief. A victory. A landmark....A sign of change, evolution.

And with the new moon comes new beginnings.....

I BELIEVE

Consider This....! (A CHALLENGE)

ORIGINALLY POSTED:   Monday, April 13, 2009 

A smile a day....

Makes the world a better place....


More often than not, we aren't present to witness the effect, whether positive or negative, we cause with our actions, and even our energy. Moreover, I'd say that, when it comes to ordinary, everyday communication with others, the percentage of us that retain these "normal" interactions in some sort of conscious short term memory bank to reflect upon later is very small. It's easy to go through life just watching your feet as you put one front of the other, and staring at the tv, letting it guide your mind...Never really thinking much.

But that's being irresponsible to yourself, to humanity, to the world. Although we can't expect to experience the outcome of everything we do, nor should we try, there is value in maintaining awareness of the shadow we cast upon the world and the effect it has on everything it shades, influencing other energy, and although indirectly, from there it spreads.


It takes 1 small pebble to create a far spreading ripple in a pond..


Smile at someone for no reason the next time you are walking down the street! See how they react! I have found that when I do this, and over the years I HAVE made somewhat of a study of it, the person I am smiling at looks confused and maybe a bit suspicious for a split second, but when they look into my eyes and see that I'm simply extending to them my greeting, a genuine smile, with no alterior motives, they always smile back. Even the ones that look like it is hard for the to muster up a smile for whatever reason. It's almost as though they have found hope in something so easy, so available, so free.

After you pass each other and have taken a few steps, turn around to watch the person you just smiled at. This is something I began doing after getting the same initial response time and time again, ALMOST EVERYTIME, regardless of circumstance. I found that nearly an equal amount of times, if someone was coming toward the person I had just smiled at, (obviously facing me, as well) when they would reach approximately the same distance from each other as I had initially been with the original smile recipient, the approaching person would suddenly have an amazingly similar reaction as the individual I'd originally met in passing, looking surprised at the person they are meeting then starting to smile.....


And so it begins.....


Do the right thing, do good! Make the world what you want it to be!



 
 
 
 

The Proverbial Cup

ORIGINALLY POSTED:    Sunday, September 14, 2008
   

I was having lunch today with friends and of course, one of my least favorite questions in the world came up, and it was directed at me. It's one of those 'I'm asking you this so that I can judge what type of person you are' type questions, and of course it's baited, of course there's a right and wrong answer, and of course, my answer is never acceptable. Rather, never understood.

Everything is NOT always black and white, yes or no, right or wrong, full or empty. There IS a gray area, always a gray area that people just don't understand. And even less understood is the rest of the area, what's left over after black, white and gray. The area not even acknowledged. The color area. That's where I chill.

Friend........."What do you think, is the cup half full, or half empty?"

Me.............."What does it matter, there's still SOMETHING in my cup."

For once, someone got it. For the first time, really got it, not the surface conscious understanding. but in depth. And they appreciated it, and that was nice. It felt good. Although honestly, I don't care. As long as I understand, as long as I appreciate who I am, what everyone else thinks doesn't matter. Because in the end, what I'm left with, all I'm left with, is how I feel about myself. That's what I'll have when I die, all I'll have. And the only person responsible for that is me.

Which goes along with my other big statement of the day....

"I would love to continue relationships with people without batting an eye no matter what they do and how it affects me, but I'm not into hurting myself anymore."

Speaks for itself. No explanation, if you don't get it, you never will until you know what empathy and compassion are, so it's time to do some soul searching. Nothing wrong with that, I do it all the time. Introspect, as my loyal readers already know very well, is a dear friend of mine.

My personal phrase of the day.....DO YOU.

No Space to Blog

ORIGINALLY POSTED:    Saturday, September 06, 2008
  

It's been some time since I've blogged, I know. So long that it's being brought to my attention, and when asked why, all I can say is that I'm in No Space to Blog. Yes, it's true, but as shocking as it may be, this woman who's usually overflowing with thoughts formed into neat little sentence buckets has suffered a drought. With the lack of inspirational clouds, there has been no rain drop words, and the proverbial well has been dipping dry. Man, this land is becoming baron......And I'm so thirsty.

Very late one night (or quite early in the morning, depending on perception, not definition) there was a very brief shower, just a teaser really, so I hadn't made the time to blog it, since the drought continued like nothing had happened. But tonight.....This night I'm praying for more, doing a rain dance begging for relief. So, as an offering to the sky of insight, I put this out there and hope for change.


Took a pre-dawn cruise searchin' 4 peace within. Scenery blew past as though without a care and before long i rolled to a stop.

A glance over my right shoulder, a house. A dark, lonely house. YOUR house. A full driveway but still lonely. Although I miss u so...I was weak. I drove away & reached the safety of home just in time.....

Inside I quickly duck, to escape the sun's rays on my cheeks, from my tears twisting the rays of light into brilliant prisms and blinding me. For seein' things as they truly are must be the most painful form of relief.

Chivalry is Fucking Dead

ORIGINALLY POSTED:   Monday, June 30, 2008
   

Yeah, you heard me. Ms. Believe in the Goodness of Humanity Until She's Practically Suffocated by the Stench of the Rotten-ness of Society....Hating Sobriety.....Spewing Profanity.....Fucking Emotional Calamity.....Mental Sterility.....Reasoning Incapability.....Toes Curled Over the Sheer Cliff-Edge of Sanity....Or (I don't recall any longer) is it Insanity...... Goddamit Injinji.......Spiritual Catastrophe......How Many Times can one Claim Emotional Bankruptcy?.....No Comfort Even Within Adversity.....Diversity.......Creativity...... Individuality.....Or My Own Usual Perversity....Self Inflicted Brutality......I FUCKING HATE this City....America's Finest Pity....I've Forgotten the Meaning of the Word Anonymity.....Question My Own Mortality Versus Everyone Elses' Fatality... Here I am Becoming, Once Again, My Own Worst Adversary.....Pop My Schizophrenia Cherry....Bring out the Clowns Toting Contagious Deadly Anxiety.... MotherFucking Normalcy....THERE'S NO SUCH THING, YOU ASSHOLE POSER WANNABES....Drinkin Wine, Every Night, Getting Shitty.....FUCK YOU CLARITY!!!! Nothing Better to do to Entertain Me....I've Learned to Let Myself Be.....Free.....Now to Teach Myself to See....And Never Forget, JmeLee.....There's no me in we.....And no we in me.......A Dead Institution, to Marry....Sometimes These Ideas Grow Scary.....But It's Not Your Destiny....Is There Such a Thing as True Intimacy?....Reliability, Dependability, Integrity, Security, Responsibility, Accountability, Trustworthy.....Comfortability....How About Stone Cold Honesty.....Through the Smoke and Mirrors it's so Hard to See....Fuck This Paranoia Conspiracy......I'm manifesting a new theory....Search for Something More in Reality.....Stop being so Goddamn Flighty....Come Down a Few Peaks Dear Cappy.....Just TRY a Little Harder to be Happy....Let go of the Tunnel Vision Mentality.....Or You'll Lose Site of the Trophy....The Only Things I've Left to do, Consciously.....Fight When They Come to Change Me......Harness it When it Comes, the Energy......Live out My Meaning All My Life, Fulfill My Prophecy.....Embrace When It Comes, the Misery.....Weather the Storm When It Hits, However Lonely....Snuggle When It Comes, What Makes Me Happy.....Love Only When He Loves, My Destiny.....Fuck Until it Hurts, Whenever it Inspires, the Ecstasy.....Revel When I Can in the Fantasy...Strength in my Convictions When They Try to Break Me....Believe in Who I am When They Judge Me Unjustly......Maintain Passion in My Soul When They Scorn Me Spiritually....Always Remain Unjaded, Don't Succumb to the Negativity. But never, ever, ever Believe...Because It's not Fucking Reality....No One is Selfless or Wants to be......It's Dead, It really is, Chivalry.

What is chivalry? Depends on who you ask. Some say, usually guys, of course, that walking an elderly lady across the street is chivalrous. FINE! That's true I suppose, one definition of chivalry is "kindness toward women." Blah Blah Blah. In this day and age, I would love to hope that "kindness toward women," or ANYONE is just a common standard we have established in our society. Of course, that's bullshit. But I'm not in the mood to call anyone who employs common courtesy and respect, a minimal level of kindness and compassion, chivalrous. Try a little harder, although something tells me that if you don't get it already, you never will.

So, fuck the current common understanding of the definition of chivalry. Here's a little Word History for ya:

"The Age of Chivalry was also the age of the horse. Bedecked in elaborate armor and other trappings, horses were certainly well dressed, although they might have wished for lighter loads. That the horse should be featured so prominently during the Age of Chivalry is etymologically appropriate, because chivalry goes back to the Latin word caballus, "horse, especially a riding horse or packhorse." Borrowed from French, as were so many other important words having to do with medieval English culture, the English word chivalry is first recorded in works composed around the beginning of the 14th century and is found in several senses, including "a body of armored mounted warriors serving a lord" and "knighthood as a ceremonially conferred rank in the social system." Our modern sense, "the medieval system of knighthood," could not exist until the passage of several centuries had allowed the perspective for such a conceptualization, with this sense being recorded first in 1765."

Hmmmmmm....Neato. In Chinese Astrology I am a horse. And in Western Astrology I am a Capricorn.....A goat. Seems to me that in the development of this word, it traditionally had more to do with hard work than the proper behavior and good manners of folks.

"The concept of chivalry in the sense of "honourable and courteous conduct expected of a knight" was perhaps at its height in the 12th and 13th centuries and was strengthened by the Crusades, which led to the founding of the earliest orders of chivalry, the Order of the Hospital of St. John of Jerusalem (Hospitalers) and the Order of the Poor Knights of Christ and of the Temple of Solomon (Templars), both originally devoted to the service of pilgrims to the Holy Land. In the 14th and 15th centuries the ideals of chivalry came to be associated increasingly with aristocratic display and public ceremony rather than service in the field."

And blah blah blah. So anyway....None of this matters. I just find it interesting, the evolution of a word and it's effect on behavior. Or lack there of...Or, to the point.....The evolution of humans and our willfulness to do something, pretty much anything only until it's good enough. Only until we achieve the desired effect, "It's good enough for now." We'll take the immediate gratification, and when that runs out, if we're not bored with it yet, we'll see if we can figure out a way to squeeze a little bit more out, and a little bit more, and a little bit more, until it's either too much of a hassle to deal with anymore, or it's just plain exhausted or broken beyond any recoverability.

This is why chivalry is dead. In romance, in business, in friendship, in life. For example. In a relationship, in the beginning, the partners do little things for each other. Little things that are simply thoughtful and pleasant. Unnecessary things, but the action is what counts, the thought is what matters, making sure they know you are concerned with their happiness, comfort, with THEM! This is chivalry.

So, after a while, the "honeymoon" phase wears off, and the comfort zone is established. And somehow, people forget. They grow complacent in their chivalrous efforts, after all, they have what they want, they've grown into the comfort zone beyond the realm of "The Little Things." Who needs the little things when all the bigger things have started coming together? "This stuff doesn't matter anymore! We're waaaaaay beyond this! We're interacting daily. That should be enough for you to be satisfied!"

I'll say this. I've been on both ends of this situation. In many different instances, both personal and professional. And each time, I NEEDED the little things. When I was the one that found myself trying to pick up the pieces, I needed the little things to remind the other party of the reasons we nurtured a relationship to begin with, to reel them back in again, hook line and sinker, right? And when I was the one drifting away, I needed the little things for the same reason. To remember why I swallowed it, hook line and sinker. And here's my insight, for the moment, on the little things.

A relationship is like a car. There's always going to be a need for servicing, and even with the most well maintained vehicle, more than likely, eventually, there will be a need for repair. If you're constantly mindful of the responsibility of owning a vehicle, chances are you're considerate of how vital proper maintenance is, and your repairs are going to be far less dramatic than if you just constantly do what's "good enough for now." But when you start neglecting that regular maintenance, bigger problems start to arise, it becomes more costly and time consuming, and harder to recover that reliability. And at that point, you probably just try to do what you can to make the car last as long as possible, but you've given up on making it right. It's too far gone.

Just like in a relationship. Do what you have to do to get by for now, tell yourself some bullshit that it's gonna get better even though you know inevitably with is coming, and forget the hard work of repairing what's really broken. As long as you get through today, and hopefully you'll get through the rest of the days until you've gotten all you want, or until you're comfortable with the change, then that's "Good enough."

Fuck that.

Chivalry IS DEAD.

They Say I Give REALLY GOOD....

ORIGINALLY POSTED:   Saturday, June 21, 2008
   

They say I give REALLY GOOD gifts. Thoughtful, special birthday presents, the kind that leave a person wide eyed and wondering just where did I come from...And with not a lot more to say than "Thank you..." accompanied by a tight, passionate hug, the kind that makes me feel so much closer to where I want to be, again, just the kind I was looking for. And this was way more than I needed in order to know I was appreciated and adored, in that moment, because it was all in the eyes. Everything I wanted to hear, came from your soul, loud and clear.

They say I give REALLY GOOD advice, I'm a talented problem solver. A knack for attention to detail and less conventional but just as logical simple solutions to complex problems. A gift to be able to look inside the box just as much as outside the circle, and the ability to maintain simple innocence in the dream that a square peg really will fit into a round hole if you just try hard enough and never give up. Everything is subject to our own perception, nothing is ever as it initially seems, time grows comfort and familiarity, planting seeds of devotion.

They say I give REALLY GOOD love....I always put it all out there, it's all or nothing with me. I have no time to waste in matters of the heart, there's never enough love in the world, to me, or so many days in this life that time should be spent only taking all I can get, or just giving all I have...Or even sitting on the fencepost watching the world go by. I wear my heart on the outside...If I find myself growing complacent in my responsibility to myself, not to mention humanity, only one thing will result. I'll run away, in my determination I've grown flighty.

They say I give REALLY GOOD support, I always want to lend a hand, help out, whatever it takes to help maintain the focus just where it should be. Let ME get more wine for you, anyone else need some? Want some of my snack? Let me light that for you...Are you hungry? ...Apples? You want some apples? Sure I can get the bongos for ya, want a Number 9 while you're waiting? I'll wrap those, let me show you how...And I love doing it, miss it when I don't. They're nothing necessary, my efforts, rather like a bandaid covering a minor cut, but the appreciation was always there, none the less, and I always felt a part of it all. Bandaids never last long , temporary things that they are, but they always leave behind a lingering reminder, like sticky, gooey tar.

They say I give REALLY GOOD time. Memories that last an entire life. Some stories to be told for generations to come, some spoken of only in time spent just between us. And it's a blessing to have spread those seeds along the way, a charmed existence to leave behind a trail of wild flowers to mark my journey on this pilgrimage, but it's not enough. It's time to choose a plot, finally get dirt beneath my fingernails as I claim my place, sunburn my shoulders as we nurture our garden, love the rain in our faces as we're wrapped around each other with no where better to be, and no longing in our heart for something else, because for you and I it'll no longer be just about our "me"s. There will be nothing left but everything, and we.

This is where I'm going. This is where I want to be. I feel you watching, thinking. Come with me, please?

Gorillas and Elephants, Slavery and War

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Saturday, June 14, 2008

This is kinda a long rant, friends, and I apologize for that...But this is really important so please take a few minutes to read this and consider helping if you can. Yes, it's time, once again, for Activist JmeLee to jump up on the soapbox for a bit. Come on.....It's not so bad. And I promise no horrendous photos of starving animals this time, actually, no photos at all.

Want to be a good, conscientious and contributing member of the world society and give back a little to humanity? Good, I'm sure you're saying yes, and so am I. So, I have just the thing for us, and it won't cost anything at all. I PROMISE! But it could possibly make a difference in the dwindling number of gorillas and elephants in Central Africa, and it could possibly help eradicate or at least lessen slave labor there as well, just to name 2 reasons to pitch in.

You know how most people just throw away their old, broken, et cetera cell phones away? ("What happens to old out-of-date phones? It's estimated that more than 100 million cell phones are thrown away, or stuffed in a drawer, each year.") Well, my friend told me yesterday about a great cell phone recycling program and two HUGE reasons to support it. So I did some research about what he told me, got the details about the program and found that his information about the reason this is so important is accurate, and found my own HUGE third reason to donate old cell phones as well. Here's what I found.

First, the 3 most important reasons for this program, in my opinion......

1) "Did you know that cell phones here in the United States (and elsewhere) have a connection to the well-being of gorillas and other animals in central Africa? Here's the 4-1-1: cell phones contain a rare ore called coltan (short for columbite-tantalite). This metal is found in central Africa, and increased mining operations to get the coltan means habitat loss and increased hunting pressure on gorillas and other wildlife."

"At the gorilla exhibit in the zoo, the park has details about the mining of coltan. The intrusion of the miners actually threatens the lives of the gorillas. The miners need food to eat and often trap the lowland gorillas for bushmeat."

"Surprisingly, wildlife reserves suffer most from mining. Two World Heritage Sites, Kahuzi-Biega National Park and Okapi Wildlife Reserve, have suffered the most damage from mining. With the increased popularity of cell phones over the past five years, thousands of illegal miners invaded the "protected" parks. Needing food, they have hunted gorillas and elephants to near extinction in these areas."

2. The reason these miners are "forced" to hunt/trap and eat these animals is because they are slaves and are provided with no other option. In fact, there are reports of child slave labor as well.

"In your cell phone there is likely a highly conductive mineral called coltan. That coltan in your cell phone may well have been dug out of the Democratic Republic of Congo by villagers enslaved by extraordinarily brutal "private militiamen." These militiamen trade coltan for cash, which they use to buy more machine guns and machetes to force more coltan mining."

"Given its form and proximity to the surface, the region's coltan was easily extracted by local artisanal mining, and militia-enslaved locals and refugees armed with axes and shovels. The disturbing human rights abuses, environmental damage and wild meat harvesting that ensued are well documented in a series of scathing reports by an expert panel of the United Nations Security Council."

Eventually, manufacturers requested that their suppliers stop buying coltan from this region for a few ethical and legal reasons. But even when the price of Coltan eventually crashed, the mining and the slavery didn't stop.

"Despite the low price of coltan, illegal mining by militias continued given the non-existent cost of slave labour, as well as by desperate locals. Diplomatic sources reported on dealings between Chinese officials and Rwandan companies involved in coltan export in 2004."

And now, my final argument. There is an abundance of information about all of this out there. I know this bulletin is lengthy, but I think this is important on so many different levels. So please bear with me just a bit longer....

3. High Tech Genocide. Seriously. Coltan helps to fuel the forgotten war in Central Africa. This has been ongoing for a very long time, and although we don't hear much about it, it's still not over.

"Over four million people in central Africa have died in a war over coltan. This is a heat-resistant mineral used in cell phones, laptops and other high-tech electronics. It is found in three-billion-year-old soils like those in the Rift Valley in Africa. 80% of the world's coltan comes from the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC)."

"The war began in 1998. Congolese rebel forces, backed by Rwanda and Uganda, seized the eastern DRC. They moved into strategic mining areas, attacking villages along the way. The Rwandan Army was soon making $20 million a month from coltan mining. Fighting continues despite peace treaties signed in Summer 2002."

"The fighting has displaced two million farmers from their homes. These men, women and children are forced into mining, fighting and prostitution. They are threatened with torture, rape and murder if they refuse. Starvation and disease have killed hundreds of thousands."

Okay, so here's a small way we can all do our part to take a stand against war, slavery and the diminishing numbers of animals in Central Africa.

"The Zoological Society of San Diego, along with Eco-Cell, a cellular phone recycling company, has a free-of-charge cell phone-recycling program at both the San Diego Zoo and the Wild Animal Park to encourage visitors to recycle."

"Because of the mining and depopulation related to gorillas, the zoo encourages its visitors to donate their cell phones to the Eco-Cell drop box at the exit of the park so that the demand for coltan can be lowered, possibly reducing the need to mine for the ore."

"Our cell phone recycling program will help keep those obsolete cell phones, chargers, and old batteries out of landfills, it's really easy to simply drop off those old phones and accessories, working or not. There is no recycling fee to drop off you phone. All cell phones and accessories collected are reused or properly recycled. Every little bit helps!"

AND, in addition to this, I know not everyone is going to the Wild Animal Park or Zoo soon, but that's ok, if you want to donate I have a solution for you. My friend's company picnic is at the Wild Animal Park this year, on July 4th. He has offered to deliver for me any donations I can come up with, so if you have a donation, please make arrangements to get it to me before the 4th of July, and I will give it to him...! :D

See, simple, painless AND free! Courtesy of Jamie Lee.

Cheers!