"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

***A Quote From The Velveteen Rabbit


dear jenni ~ (a letter to my sister, a hole in my heart)

(a bit of background.....for quite some time now i have not been speaking to my sister due to her unfortunate choice of lifestyle, but she still tries to make me/trick me/manipulate me/guilt trip me etc into talking to her. she knows how i feel, which is basically, when she straightens up, i'll come back around, until then, she needs to keep her distance. she struggles with that, but i refuse to be a part of this situation, i refuse to enable her by comforting her, relating to her, empathizing with her or even by just listening to her. things have been coming to a head lately, she found me on facebook and keeps sending requests and messages. all i want is to be respected and have my boundaries honored. is it really too much to ask? (that is sheer sarcasm, btw.....)

March 1 at 2:13pm ----- jenni, as I have told you before, more than once, I will let you know when I am ready to talk. You said you understood, please don't forget that. I want to remind you that I told you that when I FEEL you are doing the right things, first for the kids, and then for yourself, I will let you know. Until then, please RESPECT my decision and space, constant reminders that you don't respect me aren't bringing me any closer. You know what you need to do and so does everyone one else. Take care of yourself and your kids. I love you.

From Jenni ----- hey just wanted you to know i love you. no matter what. 4ever. and also just to let you know im doing a million times better. i hope to hear from you soon. i have another new number so that that dumbass cant get ahold of me. its --- --- ----. call or text anytime. once again....... i love you so much sis

-------I love you too, Jen, keep up the good work. I just got this, but I still feel the same way as I did when I sent my last message. I want to hear that you're doing good and doing the right things not only from you, or even Bobby and Megan or Josh and Megan, but from the other people who tell me what's going on too, whether family or friends back there. I'm sure you understand. But keep on doing right. I believe in you. I will always love you. I'm always here for you in heart and spirit. ♥

Her response ----- thank you. i needed to hear those words. i love you too. im gona keep on striving to be the best i can be. each day is becoming a better day.

so there's a little background on the situation, and here is hopefully what will bring some realization, for her, and some peace, for me, since i've finally spoken my piece.....


good, jenni, that's what you need to do, and it's all you CAN do to get better. i just want to point out that you didn't NEED to hear anything, from me or anyone. this is about YOU. just you. and EVERYTHING you NEED comes from the Earth and our world, you are given oxygen and water, you have access to food. as for anything else you NEED right now, or ever, it's all within. no one can do this for you. you have to do it for YOU, and you have to do it right.

you will not die if i do not talk to you. or anyone, for that matter. you will not die if you do not get acknowledgment from other people all the time, if you don't constantly get "love" or whatever it is that you want in the moment. in fact, by crying and demanding and causing yourself and others emotional distress over these unnecessary things, by constantly being negative and confrontational, mean and condescending, you are doing yourself a great disservice. you are trampling and crushing the most real thing you have, the most real thing anyone has.

you are disregarding the REAL love, the one that's ALWAYS there, the one that you never have to ask for, the one that is more important than any other love. you are denying gratitude for the breath we are gifted, the energy we are privileged to share. you are saying it's not enough! it's not what YOU want! if you just settle down, be quiet a while, open your heart and your mind, you will see. the greatest, truest love is never spoken. it's never a source of pain. it's never used against anyone. it never runs out, it's always there.

but until you take the time to fucking look around, FEEL around, be a real goddamn person, you will always cry out for someone to love you, you will always feel empty and like your existence is mediocre. you will always blame others for your shit. you will continue to hurt yourself and everyone around you. because you are too selfish, too demanding of everyone but yourself, too lazy to take just a minute to stop. shut the fuck up. quit judging every single little thing and give the manipulation a rest for a while. even if just for a minute. if you put aside whatever brainstorm you're working on in the moment about how to get what you'll be there when you come back to it. but put all that fucked up, selfish, inconsiderate shit down for a minute and humble yourself.

humble yourself, jenni. do you know what that means? i know you do, everyone does deep down inside, but do you remember? do you remember that no one owes you anything? do you remember that it's YOUR responsibility to make your life right, you are the ONLY one who can. have you forgotten that there are 3 children out there who have to see you like this, what in the world are you doing for their future? the only thing you can truly do to inspire greatness in children, jen, is be a good role-model goddammit. to fucking love them, and do it without the 3 side orders of double crispy drama with extra grease and some anger sauce for dipping. Because you can love them all day, but that doesn't mean they don't see the bullshit. it doesn't mean that you aren't allowing the most formative years of their lives be polluted with toxic energy and frequent lessons on how to fuck their lives up as much as possible. you have to remember that even if you are doing the best you can for them right now, with your current situation, they haven't developed the things like reasoning and critical thinking that they NEED to be able to recognize that. To be able to see that you're doing the best you can but it's still not good enough, and it's not the way they should ever treat people or allow themselves to be treated. all they see is "this is how life is for's that's the way it is suppose to be." what the fuck do you expect of them if they grow up seeing their mother live this way? how do you expect them to know any better, to not be abusive, to not take abuse, to be decent fucking people?

humble yourself, sister. who are you to demand anything from anyone? how do you expect to be happy in life when you refuse to treat yourself, not to mention those who love you, with kindness, compassion and respect?? when you are blind to all the opportunity and beauty in this world that is passing you by as you're too busy scheming up the next plan to take advantage of others because you aren't willing to do anything for yourself, your fucking life is passing you by, too. second by second. and yeah, jen, there's  always tomorrow....but what if one day, tomorrow is taken away? guess what, yesterday's gone, too. you'll never get those seconds, those precious minutes back. humble yourself. don't let your space on this Earth just slip away. stand up and be responsible for yourself goddammit! and for your feelings! quit spending all of your energy and brilliance scamming for money and whatever else you want. be accountable for yourself, take responsibility. do something you enjoy, or at least get a job you can tolerate so you can start dedicating the time and energy you expend on getting money that you dont deserve, that you didn't work for,  that you hustle, scam and lie for, to your kids, and making a better life for them. showing them that they don't have to live that way, that it's NOT ok. stopping this shit before it gets embedded in their souls any more deeply than it already is. they deserve a fucking chance! and so do you, so give yourself permission, jenni. you'll feel better about yourself, things will get better, i promise!

i can't think of anything in the world that is more sinful than not acknowledging how blessed we all are, than not having gratitude for the love we are all wrapped in, every second of our lives. there is nothing we can do in this world that is worse than not honoring ourselves, loving ourselves and giving ourselves permission to be humble. if you stop and put down all the bullshit, jen, let go of all the judgment, blame, anger and shame, all the stories, just let it all fall away, you will feel the love. you will see it. you will witness something amazing, beautiful. you will be able to witness yourself as a part of something bigger, and you will see that you have a place in that too! the last thing i am going to say is that it is NOT easy. it gets easier with time, but i can't even say that SOMEDAY it will be "easy"...but it will be WORTH IT. in the meantime, YOU'RE worth it. 

so think about it. or don't, it's up to you. either way, at least keep trying to be better. i'll roll back around when the timing is right for me. until then, there is no question that i love you, with my whole heart. that is why i refuse to be witness to this in any way, i refuse to be an enabler, to stand by and comfort you when you know you're fuckin up. but if you're really trying, jenni, and you're really doing what's best, what's right, it won't be long before that beautiful light shines through all the bullshit, and before long,  all there will be is light, the shit will be gone. and everyone will see it from a million miles away. when i feel it, jen, i'll be back. but until then, i fucking hate getting shit on my shoes, so i'll keep my distance.

i believe in you, and i sure do love you. i'm holding space for you and cheering you on, from afar. if you listen hard enough, i know you can hear me in your heart. i'll always be right there. i believe in you, jenni. you can do it.

UPDATE: From Jenni on    March 6 at 9:34am  

i have me sky nate and ky. ive never been happier than i am right now. ill talk to you whenever you want to talk. what really spins my mind though is that the only people that dont really seem to want to be here is the people who live so far away and dont really know whats going on. all they know is what they hear. i love you. tty when i tty 


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