Someday?

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Thursday, September 10, 2009 

Is there such a thing as closure, really, when there is deep pain that seems impossible to heal? Is there such a thing as closure when there is more than 1 party involved, and only 1 person is really trying to let go? When you have a deep connection with someone, someone whom you dream about, and in your dreams you see them as they are now, not how they looked when you last saw them....How do we know these things?! does that connection ever let you rest, does it ever lessen, does it ever go away when it's unhealthy? How do we disconnect from these connections?

I hope I know someday. Because today I don't know, and it eats me up, I don't know how to process this.

A story.....I had a dream last week that my ex-boyfriend/lover/soulmate/partner/best friend/EVERYTHING is here in San Diego. Not that we talked, just that he is here, in my dream, I saw him from a ways away, and he didn't see me. I found out the next day that he is, in fact, in town for the first time since April, and I have not seen him since December. He moved to Portland. He is the last person on my unfinished business list. He's always held onto me saying "Forever is a long time, we'll be together again SOMEDAY." It's made me feel as though I am bound to him in some way. The last time he was in town, I knew before he called. I felt as though he was sitting next to me, like a ghost by my side, for 4 days. I would hear his voice in my mind, and look over but no one would be there. It tormented me. So when he called it was no surprise.

To bring it back to present.....3 nights ago I had another dream that I was face to face with him, talking. And in my dream the most vivid thing was that he had short hair and was clean shaven. Like when we first met. When I saw him last, in December, he had long hair and a beard. And when he called in April, he told me he still had that. But when I ran into him a few days ago, the day after my dream, I wasn't surprised to see him with short hair and clean shaven.

Why do I know these things! Why is he still so present in my life! Why can't I simply disconnect? Why do I feel as though it needs to come from both sides?! After this meeting, I feel so conflicted. He says one thing but I feel another, and I don't know why. He says he's finally willing to let me go, but I don't feel as though the connection has been severed. All that keeps repeating in my mind and heart is SOMEDAY! Maybe SOMEDAY it'll be clear, it'll feel better! Practice patience! Be compassionate with myself! Believe in myself! But my heart hurts, and something I wrote for him so long ago keeps playing in my mind.....

"On this most recent full moon, the 9th of May 2009, a bright Saturday night, I gave up all that binds me, which I always called mine, that was never truly my own, gave it away, free to go, finally, anywhere it belongs. I've committed to the spiritual as opposed to the physical, the future instead of the past, bound mindfully to the present. There is no such thing as forever, I AM today, and in this moment, the only thing that's real, I'm present. I am HERE. I am ALIVE. I'm never looking back, only moving forward. Floating away, wherever my energy takes me. I'm committed. I believe."

But it's hard to believe when it feels like I want to achieve this thing, I've tried to achieve this thing, I've tried to let it go, I've written that I've let it go, I meant to let it go, but it never goes..HE never goes despite what he says..He ALWAYS comes back, whether spiritually or physically and he knows it...So, someday? SOMEDAY?! Fuck someday, what about ME....TODAY?

[Always have, always will. I'm Just Jamie.]

Letting Go

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Friday, December 07, 2007 

I try to do the things I use to do
But still I find I'm only looking 'round for you
The people you use to work with at your old bar
I can tell they're wonderin' just where you are
Maybe you'll walk right through that door
Just the thing we've all been looking for

But you don't….And that's good

Because where would I run, where would I hide
I couldn't stand to look into your eyes

I lay awake, alone at night
I squeeze my eyes shut and hope that I just might
Finally drift off to sleep and sometimes I do
But you're haunting me, I dream of you
Maybe one time I'll wake up and you'll really be here
Holding me tight, I feel your heartbeat, you're so near

But I don't…..And I cry

Because thinking of you and the good times we had
I wonder what happened, it's driving me mad

I put away all the photos and reminders of us
I gently hide them away, deep down I feel I must
Preserve the precious memories that we made
How special it once was, I never want that to fade
I wish I could stand to leave it out all along
This time around I'm just not that strong

So I don't…..And I'm weak

Because my heart's broken, my soul is bruised
Realizing the dreams I had for us will never come true

Someday down the road I know I'll see you again
I really do miss you, you were my very best friend
I wonder what will happen when that time arrives
Will I be strong, or will I run and hide
I want to call you, hear your voice even over the phone
Together make it work, without you I'm so alone

But we don't…..I wish we could

Because all my life I truly never knew
Anyone capable of making me feel the way you use to

So thank you for all that you've given me
I believe in you, I know you'll become everything you've wanted to be
I hope that every now and then, you'll stop and think of me
And remember how much I love you, happily
You'll never know just how much you've changed me
I sometimes wish I could just let it go, be free

But I won't…...I just can't

Because when you're in love that's the hardest part
Letting go of a broken heart

Broken Heart Shaped World, The Emotional Bankruptcy of a Girl

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Monday, March 19, 2007 

No, I don't feel sorry for myself. Not at all. I am not angry, regretful, bitter, resentful...No, none of these. I do not wish harm or unhappiness to you, as I think of you, I focus no negativity, I feel no hate, I have no ill will, I am not spiteful...Ahhhhh, I could spend days listing all the things I am not, maybe to convince you, perhaps some would say to reassure myself, whatever the perception may be....But, regardless of the intent, I don't think it's working. It's not working. So, a new approach. Here is what I AM.

I am adrift, at sea and alone. I am searching for solace, in my most reliable source I find none. I long to retreat, hide in myself, but my most cherished comfort is gone. I can't, I can't, I can't...Live in a broken heart shaped world, all on my own.....For the first time in my life, I can't stand to be just me, all by myself...just Jamie. Without you, I am alone. More than alone.

Something happened with you, something different. You inspired me so, you impressed me more than I ever imagined anyone could. More than anything, you gave to me. Encouragement, you were my muse...You planted seeds...Fractions of ideas, you triggered my interest, then you let me run with them, just to watch them grow. You watched me grow. You made me feel as though.....You were proud.....Like I was proud.

But most of all, you gave me understanding. Something altogether new to me. For the first time, I felt as though I really wasn't meant to walk this earth alone. The things about me that make me different...You showed me we had these things in common. The things that made me distance myself from others, you embraced. So openly, so eagerly....So it was easy for me, so easy...To give you me. Just me, completely, with no return receipt. I gave you my heart shaped world.

So often I felt like you wanted to be there, live there with me, I have thought that this happened for a good reason, everything happens for a reason...I believed it was my time. You found me...You looked at me with adoring eyes, said all the endearing things...Things I only dreamed of. And always wondered if they were real. You stole my heart. Even after I told you about me, all about me. Please be careful, please I asked...Maybe still, even with all of that, maybe you just didn't realize the depth. How deeply my soul goes, how real I was. In a way, I tried to, well, warn you, I suppose. Maybe you just didn't see.

Of course....Yes, we both made mistakes. I gave so much, and expected the same in return. That is one way I went wrong. I realize now that I can't expect what I give to be what I receive. What I gave was a gift...I should have never expected the same in return. Of course you will only give to me what you want to give, I learned a painful yet valuable lesson. I can't expect anyone to be like me, we are all our own.

Yes, you said, take it slow. Slow. I heard you, every word you said, EVERY word. I guess I didn't realize the value of some things in relation to others. You said take it slow....But...You said so many other things, all the things I wanted, needed to hear. You swam in the deep blue sea of my emotions, you encouraged my reciprocal nature, you welcomed more, asked for more....And I gave it to you. I meant it, too, with all my heart, all my dedication, all my soul.

Actions and words in life are transactions, there are so many forms of currency. I must be careful to never "pay" more for anything than it is "worth", not in a literal "value" sense, but in a "what can I EXPECT in return" sense, or of course, I risk feeling taken advantage of. And that would be my fault alone. I must also be aware of the fact that every action and word is extended in the understanding of the giver....Not the perception I bestow upon it. So much can be lost in translation.

I gave myself to you so completely, and now.......Now that I am alone, I feel incomplete. Uncomfortable, misunderstood, uncertain, empty, alone.....Alone, not in my previous comfort zone of alone, but alone, as though I don't know where even I have gone. But I do. I am with you. I gave that part of me to you, and I don't think I will ever come back, it's where I feel I belong. This is my emotional bankruptcy.

I gave to you so much. Perhaps more than I had to give, certainly more than you were ready for. You meant so much to me, it was easy. I wanted to give you my world, you made it a heart shaped world, for the first time in my life. And I wanted to give it to you, share it, grow together, you and me, together.....And now, I can't take it back. I can't take me back. And now, I have nothing. Bankrupt.

The worst part...It's like repossession. I put so much into something, only to lose it. I lost you, us... me. Now....Now I have lost everything....And I am frightened by the idea that I will never get it back, I will never recover what I invested...But you took back what I was investing in, unfortunately, I can't take back what I invested.

You will never understand, or maybe you will, maybe you do...Perhaps you feel the same way, this is wrong...So wrong. How in the world could it be right, two people with so much in common, and such a connection...On such a personal level, so intimately, going separate ways. Never the less, here I am and there you are.

I realize I take everything so seriously, too seriously most people say. To me, it is serious. All the things I have experienced in life....Life is serious to me. We have all been through "Life" and we all become who we are as a result of our experiences. You always said the past predicts the future. I think....The past creates the present, and people create the future. I said, Things don't change....People change, and then change things. I know that I am who I am today because of the past. I will be who I become....Because of today...And yesterday, all the days.

Ultimately, hopefully, I will probably recover....But I will never be the same. And I will always, always, always feel an emptiness, where I once was, and where you were, too. I wonder if your energy will ever leave me, if you will leave my dreams, if all the strange coincidences that occur daily, time after time, will stop eventually. My soul is tormented, I wonder how to move on....When you are always here. Lonely. I miss you.