Someday?

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Thursday, September 10, 2009 

Is there such a thing as closure, really, when there is deep pain that seems impossible to heal? Is there such a thing as closure when there is more than 1 party involved, and only 1 person is really trying to let go? When you have a deep connection with someone, someone whom you dream about, and in your dreams you see them as they are now, not how they looked when you last saw them....How do we know these things?! does that connection ever let you rest, does it ever lessen, does it ever go away when it's unhealthy? How do we disconnect from these connections?

I hope I know someday. Because today I don't know, and it eats me up, I don't know how to process this.

A story.....I had a dream last week that my ex-boyfriend/lover/soulmate/partner/best friend/EVERYTHING is here in San Diego. Not that we talked, just that he is here, in my dream, I saw him from a ways away, and he didn't see me. I found out the next day that he is, in fact, in town for the first time since April, and I have not seen him since December. He moved to Portland. He is the last person on my unfinished business list. He's always held onto me saying "Forever is a long time, we'll be together again SOMEDAY." It's made me feel as though I am bound to him in some way. The last time he was in town, I knew before he called. I felt as though he was sitting next to me, like a ghost by my side, for 4 days. I would hear his voice in my mind, and look over but no one would be there. It tormented me. So when he called it was no surprise.

To bring it back to present.....3 nights ago I had another dream that I was face to face with him, talking. And in my dream the most vivid thing was that he had short hair and was clean shaven. Like when we first met. When I saw him last, in December, he had long hair and a beard. And when he called in April, he told me he still had that. But when I ran into him a few days ago, the day after my dream, I wasn't surprised to see him with short hair and clean shaven.

Why do I know these things! Why is he still so present in my life! Why can't I simply disconnect? Why do I feel as though it needs to come from both sides?! After this meeting, I feel so conflicted. He says one thing but I feel another, and I don't know why. He says he's finally willing to let me go, but I don't feel as though the connection has been severed. All that keeps repeating in my mind and heart is SOMEDAY! Maybe SOMEDAY it'll be clear, it'll feel better! Practice patience! Be compassionate with myself! Believe in myself! But my heart hurts, and something I wrote for him so long ago keeps playing in my mind.....

"On this most recent full moon, the 9th of May 2009, a bright Saturday night, I gave up all that binds me, which I always called mine, that was never truly my own, gave it away, free to go, finally, anywhere it belongs. I've committed to the spiritual as opposed to the physical, the future instead of the past, bound mindfully to the present. There is no such thing as forever, I AM today, and in this moment, the only thing that's real, I'm present. I am HERE. I am ALIVE. I'm never looking back, only moving forward. Floating away, wherever my energy takes me. I'm committed. I believe."

But it's hard to believe when it feels like I want to achieve this thing, I've tried to achieve this thing, I've tried to let it go, I've written that I've let it go, I meant to let it go, but it never goes..HE never goes despite what he says..He ALWAYS comes back, whether spiritually or physically and he knows it...So, someday? SOMEDAY?! Fuck someday, what about ME....TODAY?

[Always have, always will. I'm Just Jamie.]