"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

***A Quote From The Velveteen Rabbit


Broken Heart Shaped World, The Emotional Bankruptcy of a Girl

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Monday, March 19, 2007 

No, I don't feel sorry for myself. Not at all. I am not angry, regretful, bitter, resentful...No, none of these. I do not wish harm or unhappiness to you, as I think of you, I focus no negativity, I feel no hate, I have no ill will, I am not spiteful...Ahhhhh, I could spend days listing all the things I am not, maybe to convince you, perhaps some would say to reassure myself, whatever the perception may be....But, regardless of the intent, I don't think it's working. It's not working. So, a new approach. Here is what I AM.

I am adrift, at sea and alone. I am searching for solace, in my most reliable source I find none. I long to retreat, hide in myself, but my most cherished comfort is gone. I can't, I can't, I can't...Live in a broken heart shaped world, all on my own.....For the first time in my life, I can't stand to be just me, all by myself...just Jamie. Without you, I am alone. More than alone.

Something happened with you, something different. You inspired me so, you impressed me more than I ever imagined anyone could. More than anything, you gave to me. Encouragement, you were my muse...You planted seeds...Fractions of ideas, you triggered my interest, then you let me run with them, just to watch them grow. You watched me grow. You made me feel as though.....You were proud.....Like I was proud.

But most of all, you gave me understanding. Something altogether new to me. For the first time, I felt as though I really wasn't meant to walk this earth alone. The things about me that make me different...You showed me we had these things in common. The things that made me distance myself from others, you embraced. So openly, so eagerly....So it was easy for me, so easy...To give you me. Just me, completely, with no return receipt. I gave you my heart shaped world.

So often I felt like you wanted to be there, live there with me, I have thought that this happened for a good reason, everything happens for a reason...I believed it was my time. You found me...You looked at me with adoring eyes, said all the endearing things...Things I only dreamed of. And always wondered if they were real. You stole my heart. Even after I told you about me, all about me. Please be careful, please I asked...Maybe still, even with all of that, maybe you just didn't realize the depth. How deeply my soul goes, how real I was. In a way, I tried to, well, warn you, I suppose. Maybe you just didn't see.

Of course....Yes, we both made mistakes. I gave so much, and expected the same in return. That is one way I went wrong. I realize now that I can't expect what I give to be what I receive. What I gave was a gift...I should have never expected the same in return. Of course you will only give to me what you want to give, I learned a painful yet valuable lesson. I can't expect anyone to be like me, we are all our own.

Yes, you said, take it slow. Slow. I heard you, every word you said, EVERY word. I guess I didn't realize the value of some things in relation to others. You said take it slow....But...You said so many other things, all the things I wanted, needed to hear. You swam in the deep blue sea of my emotions, you encouraged my reciprocal nature, you welcomed more, asked for more....And I gave it to you. I meant it, too, with all my heart, all my dedication, all my soul.

Actions and words in life are transactions, there are so many forms of currency. I must be careful to never "pay" more for anything than it is "worth", not in a literal "value" sense, but in a "what can I EXPECT in return" sense, or of course, I risk feeling taken advantage of. And that would be my fault alone. I must also be aware of the fact that every action and word is extended in the understanding of the giver....Not the perception I bestow upon it. So much can be lost in translation.

I gave myself to you so completely, and now.......Now that I am alone, I feel incomplete. Uncomfortable, misunderstood, uncertain, empty, alone.....Alone, not in my previous comfort zone of alone, but alone, as though I don't know where even I have gone. But I do. I am with you. I gave that part of me to you, and I don't think I will ever come back, it's where I feel I belong. This is my emotional bankruptcy.

I gave to you so much. Perhaps more than I had to give, certainly more than you were ready for. You meant so much to me, it was easy. I wanted to give you my world, you made it a heart shaped world, for the first time in my life. And I wanted to give it to you, share it, grow together, you and me, together.....And now, I can't take it back. I can't take me back. And now, I have nothing. Bankrupt.

The worst part...It's like repossession. I put so much into something, only to lose it. I lost you, us... me. Now....Now I have lost everything....And I am frightened by the idea that I will never get it back, I will never recover what I invested...But you took back what I was investing in, unfortunately, I can't take back what I invested.

You will never understand, or maybe you will, maybe you do...Perhaps you feel the same way, this is wrong...So wrong. How in the world could it be right, two people with so much in common, and such a connection...On such a personal level, so intimately, going separate ways. Never the less, here I am and there you are.

I realize I take everything so seriously, too seriously most people say. To me, it is serious. All the things I have experienced in life....Life is serious to me. We have all been through "Life" and we all become who we are as a result of our experiences. You always said the past predicts the future. I think....The past creates the present, and people create the future. I said, Things don't change....People change, and then change things. I know that I am who I am today because of the past. I will be who I become....Because of today...And yesterday, all the days.

Ultimately, hopefully, I will probably recover....But I will never be the same. And I will always, always, always feel an emptiness, where I once was, and where you were, too. I wonder if your energy will ever leave me, if you will leave my dreams, if all the strange coincidences that occur daily, time after time, will stop eventually. My soul is tormented, I wonder how to move on....When you are always here. Lonely. I miss you.


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