I Can't Even Process This Right Now

ORIGINALLY POSTED:   September 23, 2009   ON SHAKTI YAHOO COMMUNITY

Soooooooo....The Shakti Fall Retreat is this weekend, and my roommate is out of town. I need someone to watch over my dogs for me while I am attending, so I asked the people who live in the separate guest home behind my house today if they could take care of it for a day while I am gone, and they said of course! They know why I am at Shakti, they know about my battle with meth, and have been very supportive of me in my recovery so far. I thought I had this weekend worked out until a few minutes ago.

My girl wanted outside so I went to let her out and to my surprise, my neighbor's door was slightly open, they usually have the door shut at this time. I could see in, it's in my direct line of sight from my back door and I wasn't trying to look, but it just happens that they were sitting right inside with a guest, and low and behold, right in front of the door, one of them was holding a pipe. It was the type of pipe used to smoke crystal meth. It's definitely no mistake on my part, it's an obvious difference from a marijuana pipe, which isn't ok either, but jeeze! I guess they didn't think I could see in, because they didn't try to conceal it at all.

I'm so freaked out right now, I can't even begin to deal with this in my mind. I mean, really? I don't know what to say. I feel sick, and freaked out, and just confused. I can't consciously leave my little ones in their care, I feel so weird knowing that it's right outside my back door. I feel nauseous, I just don't know. I just don't know! I'm feeling upset, confused, sick and like I don't know up from down. I'm going to bed, but I needed to get this off my chest, I can't deal with the thought of what's going on in my own backyard! My mind isn't racing like it usually does, it's almost like I am drawing a blank right now. I don't know what to do. :-(

Group Interview=NEVER AGAIN

ORIGINALLY POSTED:   Sat Nov 7, 2009 8:32 pm   ON SHAKTI YAHOO COMMUNITY

First of all, thank you all for your reassuring and encouraging emails, messages and calls, and for holding space for me. It really helped me get through the day and actually go do something that had me literally shaking in my skin and on the verge of crying even as we pulled up to Good Vibrations. And thank you, Shannon, for responding, although I didn't get your message until I after I got home from the interview. I don't really know what to think about that right now, aparently my mind is on hiatus from logic currently. But it means a lot to hear from you, as always.

Anyways....I have been asked to post about the interview, and despite my strong desire to just curl up in a ball in my bed and hide, I feel that I owe it to everyone to tell the story of tonight, out of gratitude for your support, kindness and love. So here it is.

I have never experienced such a thing as a group interview before, in fact, I didn't even know that there was such a thing until today. I wish I still didn't. The next time I apply for a job and they say the 2 words GROUP INTERVIEW, I'm reply with the two words NO WAY. I think I feel worse right now than I did all day long leading up to this evening's trauma. But in a different way. I'm not nervous about doing something so triggering and scary, now I'm simply incredibly consciously aware of some things I already knew, but just hadn't fully faced yet. And reminded of a few things I don't want to think about.

I am almost 31 years old and I have no idea what the fuck I am doing.

I have gained so much weight since I quit using meth that none of my pants fit anymore, with the exception of 2 pairs of jeans and a pair of khaki pants...But I can't afford to pay my bills let alone buy some new clothes. It became painfully obvious to me tonight just how financially fucked I am right now when I couldn't find anything to wear that fit and that is interview appropriate. I immediately felt judged when I walked into the room with 8 or so other women all there for the same reason as I giving me the once over. Something tells me that the obvious ones probably didn't even realize they were telling me what they were thinking of me without even uttering a word. Normally I wouldn't give a shit, but I actually meant to wear something nicer, I just didn't have anything. My discomfort in this isn't related to how they perceived me, it's all about how I perceive me.

My mind goes blank whenever I am taking a test, it's simply something I have come to understand from taking college classes. But now, apparently, my mind has decided to fail me even when I simply feel as though I am BEING tested or put on the spot. End result = I feel incredibly stupid. (I have felt like that, I have always known that I am just a bad test taker despite being very intelligent) Great! That should definitely mix well with my feelings of inadequacy among other things.

I don't know who the fuck I am anymore. When I was using, I knew exactly who I was, and I was passionate and headstrong about it. Now I just feel uncertain and confused a lot.

I am 31 years old on December 28th.......But I don't view myself as an adult. I look at people around me and in my mind I call them grown ups. Kirsten Keach is a prime example of this. I'm SEVERAL YEARS older than she is. I feel like a little girl still. This is so weird to me. I wonder if my mind is just not right anymore or something. I could give a whole bunch of other examples of my mind doing this to me in the form of my behaviors, the way I communicate sometimes, the way I play and do art.....The list goes on and on, but this piece right here scares the crap out of me and I've had enough of it for tonight.

Jesus, none of this was even the point of this email. The interview. Well, basically, we all sat in a room and they asked up a bunch of questions. We had to write our responses in 10 words or less. There is no reason I should have problems doing this, it's not a bunch of academic stuff that I had to learn or memorize, it's all stuff about me. Who I am. And I KNOW that I know the answers to these questions, because I have answered them all before time and again. AND I even reviewed my worksheets from resume building class a few times, which were the same type of thing. But THIS time, my mind just went blank. And it took me a long time to be able to think of anything to write. So I got behind, which freaked me out because I knew I was failing, and they were watching. And they were watching as I was still filling in the answers for some time after they were done asking the questions and everyone else was done answering them. Which means I wasn't giving the person speaking my full attention, which is just NOT ok. Plus, every time I spoke, it just didn't feel like it came out right. Like my nerves were just short circuiting or something.

I don't know what happened. I DO know, though, that I wasn't impressed at all with myself, I feel like I failed myself, I'm so disappointed in myself because I KNOW I would be great for that job, it's right up my alley. And I invested a lot of time preparing for that interview, getting my resume to what I felt was as good as I could really get it specifically for that job. I also spent a lot of time researching the company, reading every page on their website, taking notes, getting prepared. Also, going over all my stuff from resume and job skills class. I also allowed a MAD amount of time for myself to get ready, usually I always have to rush because I tend to procrastinate or get distracted. But I didn't do that today, I was early and everything. Nervous and scared to death, yes, but I was not only on time, but at least 5 minutes early.

And I asked a question about the company from their website, something they didn't address, that showed I had done my homework. And I shook their hands and thanked them when I left. But I left knowing that I won't get that job. I can just feel it. And I left feeling even worse than before I went, but for different reasons. I don't want to deal with this!

I feel like I'm just trying to get by, trying really hard to do the right thing, and right now, I feel weak. And the last thing I want is to be kicked by whatever just kicked me. I feel like this knocked the wind out of me and I'm having a hard enough time already just breathing normally. This is fucking hard!

A RESPONSE FROM SHANNON!!!

"I don't know who the fuck I am anymore. When I was using, I knew exactly who I was, and I was passionate and headstrong about it. Now I just feel uncertain and confused a lot.

I am 31 years old on December 28th.......But I don't view myself as an adult. I look at people around me and in my mind I call them grown ups. Kirsten Keach is a prime example of this. I'm SEVERAL YEARS older than she is. I feel like a little girl still. This is so weird to me. I wonder if my mind is just not right anymore or something. I could give a whole bunch of other examples of my mind doing this to me in the form of my behaviors, the way I communicate sometimes, the way I play and do art.....The list goes on and on, but this piece right here scares the crap out of me and I've had enough of it for tonight."

your next line says somthing like "jesus, none of this is the point of this email.

Um, Jamie Lee, ALL of this is exactly the point of this entire situation, including the group interview.

This is it, honey, this is the piece to turn into in your recovery work. This is early recovery, and wow, you summed it up so beautifully, in all the pain, angst, confusion, fear, uncertainty. You've taken steps into the unknown, and now, guess what, you don't know. I'm very "proud" of you, if you will, and moved by your honesty.

There are many tangible ways to get support from your email that you wrote- that are smaller chunks than this entire thing (what I quoted above). Might I suggest you print the email and go over it with someone and pick out the places you can get tangible help and/or support? or tangible things to begin working on.

You go, lady, you're doing it.

Shannon

Anger

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Wednesday, January 20, 2010
  

It's 2:25 AM Wednesday, January 20th, 2010....And here I am. The solace of night is comforting, but not as much as usual. Even though late nights/early mornings are becoming less "usual" for me in my recovery, I do have to say. Regardless, I still enjoy this space, on a very deep and intimate level, for what it's worth. Which is still a lot, to me.

Anyways, it's been a while since I have been here, I almost feel delinquent in my participation, and unworthy of posting, since I feel I should be here all the time for the sake of validity or something, I don't know, most likely that's my insecurity echoing around inside my head. I almost always feel as though I am not good enough, for ANYTHING, for one reason or another. Or that I don't do enough to deserve to be heard, or cared for. But that isn't even the real reason I am awake tonight, alone on SR Community.

It's really no surprise to me that I have already spent over 10 minutes typing and thinking on this post, dancing around the subject that brings me back around...ANGER. It's soooo hard to talk about, and even really understand for me. Maybe because more often than actually feeling that emotion, I feel something else. Anything else, really. Where the fuck is my rage, my very real, painful RAGE and ANGER? Why am I so resistant to conjure it, to feel it, to acknowledge, embrace and honor it? I am not so sure that I ever get really ANGRY. Even when I think I should.

More often, like this past evening in Group, I can't process, can't deal with anger. I watched my sisters doing healthy anger practices, I was witness to the beauty and raw expression of women I love and respect stepping through a door, making a conscious decision for change, for something greater. Embracing the strength and courage within. Screaming, crying, struggling, trying, denying only to find the strength to be forthcoming. Embracing the right to change their minds, trusting the process and allowing the women around them to hold space. To give them the energy, the love, the acceptance to commit to a scary, uncertain new reality. That it's ok. It's really just fucking ok just to be with whatever is there. Anything that's there, whether they had deemed it inappropriate or unjust, judgmental or selfish, or whatever else their psyche and all the world's weight may have caused them to labeled their anger. Because no matter what, none of it's bullshit, it's all very real. It's there for a reason. It deserves to be recognized.

And as much as this isn't the point at all, it's everything to me right now. Because in all this, I could feel no anger. I couldn't feel the fire. As the women who are my peers, who are my family, whom I love very much went through this process, one by one, passionately and whole heartedly, participated in this exercise, inspiring and encouraging one another to take the leap of faith by holding space, I held space as well. I wanted to go home so badly. As my sisters, one by one, let out their anger, their screams got more and more distant in my ears. And my heart beat faster and faster. And all I could do is cry silently to myself, the only sound coming from me my sniffles and my tears falling from my down turned face only to land on the cuff of my jeans.

And when it was my turn, when I was the only person left, I couldn't do it. I couldn't find anger. I couldn't even move. When my name was called, I found myself several feet from where I was originally sitting, I'd even left my bag behind, I'd unconsciously migrated toward the door. I probably could have reached the knob without even fully turning around. I couldn't commit, I could barely breathe, let alone speak. And when I did finally respond to being called, my voice sounded weak to my own ears, and I could feel every nerve in my body. And all I could say was that I wasn't going to do it. I would talk to my therapist in session about this, but I had no anger. And I didn't. Nor could I tap into or remember any anger. I couldn't even remember anything that makes or even has made me mad. NOTHING.

First and foremost, I want to acknowledge my main emotion in the heart of the moment. I was scared. Fucking terrified. When people get angry I don't want to be around. I don't feel safe. I feel attacked just to witness it. I'm fucking weak. I'm a big fucking baby. I hang my head, my shoulders slump, my spine grows weak. Grown ups aren't suppose to feel like that, respond like that, aren't suppose to run away. At the same time, I want to acknowledge that the entire time I witnessed what happened, I wanted to run away. I wanted to just get up and leave and it took every fucking ounce of strength to stay. Not because I didn't want to support my sisters, but simply out of terror. And it's not their fault. Of course. I really don't want to seem so fragile that anyone is reluctant to express anything they are going through around me. I want nothing more than to be a pillar for the women I care for to lean on. I want to say "It's ok! I'm STRONG! I can take it! Talk to me! I LOVE YOU!" Because I do love all of them, each and every one of them. And I want to be big, I want to be strong. Pleeeaaaaase!

Also, I felt sad. Maybe even more than I felt scared, I really don't know at this point. Sad to hear my amazing sisters say "I'm angry because I'm not beautiful." Sad to hear my friends say "Why doesn't anybody LOVE ME?" Because each of them, every one of them is fucking perfect. Even now, at 3:15 AM, almost 7 hours after group has ended, thinking about this has me in tears. I don't feel angry at all, not even for whatever has caused them, or even myself, to feel this way about themselves. I just feel heavy hearted, broken hearted, soooo fucking sad that anyone has to feel that way. It isn't right. It's not okay at all. I'm also disappointed in myself. Shouldn't I feel angry? For all that hurts, for anyone that hurts if I can't feel it for myself?

I don't know. I don't know anything. I just don't know. I just ran away, as soon as group was over. I just left I didn't say a word, I couldn't wait to get out the door and go home to the safety of my room, my own very controlled world. Where I can choose what to deal with. And in this very moment, I am choosing to acknowledge my lack of understanding, my disappointment in myself...And in my mind, I keep telling myself that as an adult in the United States of America, an adult who isn't court ordered to be in a recovery program, an adult who's at SR by choice, I have the right to exercise my free will. I have the RIGHT to say no! I don't WANT TO, and I won't!

But is that really serving me?

No....No it isn't, and I'm failing myself. I'm really trying to do the right thing, I'm really trying to show up for myself, for my recovery...But when will I really be able to do that 100%? And until that moment, am I wasting my time? Everyone else's time? I hate failing. I HATE FAILING! It displaces me, failure. It is sad, it hurts, it makes me feel sick. And I feel as though tonight I have failed.