Portland

the thick, humid weight of your words

and the static crack of your voice

what?..stop!..wait...what was that i just heard

in the overly deliberate annunciation of your mumblings

heavily sauced, wavering in and out of audibility 

strain to hear, comprehend, ears now ringing 

tears like dewdrops sliding down petals of a flower

forge southbound over blushing fleshy hills 

little sparkling rivers, fed of a sudden spring shower

my spirit trembling, biting back sobs i can't be rid of

my soul understood your words, i heard from within

your child voice..along with mine...."i just want to be loved"

i want to comfort you..stand by you..witness and honor you

it's the one surviving constant through life's changes of heart

our love is all that remains, binding soulmates through and true

CLM

goosebumps, the taste of salt
memories and a broken heart.
nothing runs deeper than this,
except him. true love is forever.
♥

In Due Time

I know that thinking about the future (or the past, for that matter) too much prevents me from being present RIGHT NOW, which, in reality, is all that really matters. In MY personal opinion, at least. Because I know the past is gone, and the "future" may never come, and who knows what will happen from one second to the next..But knowledge doesn't make me anything greater than human, I live a very human existence. Obviously.

So, sometimes I think about the future. And the past too of course, but that is another story, for a future blog. Or 13,013 future blogs, perhaps!  ヅ  God knows I could go on forever about the past, who couldn't, right? Anyways.....This blog is about the future, and my feelings about MY future. Relationship wise, where I want to be, the potential of parenting, these ideas inspire this blog, and what I am experiencing.

Remarkable, isn't it, that I recently came to the conclusion that setting goals is, YES, a good thing, a GREAT thing...But at the same time, getting into the details in goal setting isn't so good. Because that's how we develop expectations, and expectations, I am learning, are what cause disappointment. Yes, it's true. Painfully obvious, but incredibly difficult to avoid. Again, it's part of the human existence.

Lately, when I get caught up in the great bear trap of my mind, the notion of the future and how I want things to be, and my thoughts carry on just a little longer than they should and my mental picture of my future grows less fuzzy and more specific..I'm left with something new. Instead of continuing on in my daydream, if you will, something else is happening.

The internal chatter ceases, my soul's buzz halts. All that normally fills me vanishes, leaving me so full of empty that it seems there isn't even room for comfort. Instead, I'm experiencing feelings of uncertainty, loneliness, a feeling that life is passing me by and an urgency that goes unanswered. Because I simply don't have the solution yet. It's something that comes with time.

I know that I could have someone to keep me warm at night. It could be someone different every night, if so desired. And there have been times in my life when it didn't matter, as long as someone was there. Any port in the storm, as they say. But it matters now. It REALLY fucking matters. Love, connection, chemistry, attraction, passion, trust, safety, inspiration..Suddenly, ALL of these things matter to me.

I know, I know, in due time. And honestly, I'm not even looking anymore. Not only do I realize I have work to do and intend on honoring myself by doing this work, I already know where I belong. It's something I just know, like a person just knows how to breathe. My past and my future are so intertwined, with the exception of my addiction, it's all very easy to see. Moreover, I feel it in my soul. I KNOW it in my spirit.

In due time. On a lighter note, like my mom says, I always get what I want..Soooo..In due time. 

HOME

Home is where the heart is

I want to go home

Wherever that is

One Wish

if i could have just 1 wish right now....i would wish for a snuggle
i want to be held now, right now. i need to be loved in this very moment,
i hate the early mornings of the day following a bad day...

could i snuggle in as close as possible, bury my self in your neck

wiggling and feeling around til i find the perfect spot

where the shape of your shoulder fits the curves of my face..

where i can't see anything, where nothing can see me,

but i can still breathe through my nose.....

can i wrap my feet around your legs, flattening myself to your skin 

til a part of you is touching every single part of me

wrap some of your hair round my fingers a few times..

rub it's softness between the pads of my first and middle finger

i'd put my other hand on your chest so i could feel you breathe..

and your heartbeat..

would i finally find the safety and comfort i need, i so desperately want

in this space..this love space

could i finally just feel loved and let go of all my judgment

and experience what i just KNOW exists..i believe it's out there 

something bigger than life, and i want it..to truly love and be loved 

to truly believe and feel it

Someday?

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Thursday, September 10, 2009 

Is there such a thing as closure, really, when there is deep pain that seems impossible to heal? Is there such a thing as closure when there is more than 1 party involved, and only 1 person is really trying to let go? When you have a deep connection with someone, someone whom you dream about, and in your dreams you see them as they are now, not how they looked when you last saw them....How do we know these things?! does that connection ever let you rest, does it ever lessen, does it ever go away when it's unhealthy? How do we disconnect from these connections?

I hope I know someday. Because today I don't know, and it eats me up, I don't know how to process this.

A story.....I had a dream last week that my ex-boyfriend/lover/soulmate/partner/best friend/EVERYTHING is here in San Diego. Not that we talked, just that he is here, in my dream, I saw him from a ways away, and he didn't see me. I found out the next day that he is, in fact, in town for the first time since April, and I have not seen him since December. He moved to Portland. He is the last person on my unfinished business list. He's always held onto me saying "Forever is a long time, we'll be together again SOMEDAY." It's made me feel as though I am bound to him in some way. The last time he was in town, I knew before he called. I felt as though he was sitting next to me, like a ghost by my side, for 4 days. I would hear his voice in my mind, and look over but no one would be there. It tormented me. So when he called it was no surprise.

To bring it back to present.....3 nights ago I had another dream that I was face to face with him, talking. And in my dream the most vivid thing was that he had short hair and was clean shaven. Like when we first met. When I saw him last, in December, he had long hair and a beard. And when he called in April, he told me he still had that. But when I ran into him a few days ago, the day after my dream, I wasn't surprised to see him with short hair and clean shaven.

Why do I know these things! Why is he still so present in my life! Why can't I simply disconnect? Why do I feel as though it needs to come from both sides?! After this meeting, I feel so conflicted. He says one thing but I feel another, and I don't know why. He says he's finally willing to let me go, but I don't feel as though the connection has been severed. All that keeps repeating in my mind and heart is SOMEDAY! Maybe SOMEDAY it'll be clear, it'll feel better! Practice patience! Be compassionate with myself! Believe in myself! But my heart hurts, and something I wrote for him so long ago keeps playing in my mind.....

"On this most recent full moon, the 9th of May 2009, a bright Saturday night, I gave up all that binds me, which I always called mine, that was never truly my own, gave it away, free to go, finally, anywhere it belongs. I've committed to the spiritual as opposed to the physical, the future instead of the past, bound mindfully to the present. There is no such thing as forever, I AM today, and in this moment, the only thing that's real, I'm present. I am HERE. I am ALIVE. I'm never looking back, only moving forward. Floating away, wherever my energy takes me. I'm committed. I believe."

But it's hard to believe when it feels like I want to achieve this thing, I've tried to achieve this thing, I've tried to let it go, I've written that I've let it go, I meant to let it go, but it never goes..HE never goes despite what he says..He ALWAYS comes back, whether spiritually or physically and he knows it...So, someday? SOMEDAY?! Fuck someday, what about ME....TODAY?

[Always have, always will. I'm Just Jamie.]

Howling at the Full Moon

ORIGINAL POST:   Thursday, May 14, 2009

A friend told me, just when I needed to hear it, needed to hear SOMETHING, anything, as long as it was real, that the full moon brings closure. And with the new moon comes new beginnings. Simply stated, thoughtfully related, desperately needed...I was ready, AM ready, steady, GO! Just let it go, give it away, it's not mine to keep, not my responsibility, karma will dictate accountability....But it's not on me, not anymore. It was never mine, I held it close simply to hold onto SOMETHING. But I don't want something, don't need SOMETHING, I deserve everything. So I let go of that which was never mine to begin with, but was the security I created for myself, to validate my pain, to keep a grip on hope, to hold myself down...I'm just like a balloon.........

On this most recent full moon, the 9th of May 2009, a bright Saturday night, I gave up all that binds me, which I always called mine, that was never truly my own, gave it away, free to go, finally, anywhere it belongs. I've committed to the spiritual as opposed to the physical, the future instead of the past, bound mindfully to the present. There is no such thing as forever, I AM today, and in this moment, the only thing that's real, I'm present. I am HERE. I am ALIVE. I'm never looking back, only moving forward. Floating away, wherever my energy takes me. I'm commited. I believe.

A friend told me that the full moon brings closure, as the full moon was shining brightly, visible from the window we were watching the world through. A world that now looks different, inviting, washed clean..Pure in the perfect illumination of the big moon. And finally, for the first time, my attempt at self initiated closure was successful....A breakthrough. A relief. A victory. A landmark....A sign of change, evolution.

And with the new moon comes new beginnings.....

I BELIEVE