In Due Time

I know that thinking about the future (or the past, for that matter) too much prevents me from being present RIGHT NOW, which, in reality, is all that really matters. In MY personal opinion, at least. Because I know the past is gone, and the "future" may never come, and who knows what will happen from one second to the next..But knowledge doesn't make me anything greater than human, I live a very human existence. Obviously.

So, sometimes I think about the future. And the past too of course, but that is another story, for a future blog. Or 13,013 future blogs, perhaps!  ヅ  God knows I could go on forever about the past, who couldn't, right? Anyways.....This blog is about the future, and my feelings about MY future. Relationship wise, where I want to be, the potential of parenting, these ideas inspire this blog, and what I am experiencing.

Remarkable, isn't it, that I recently came to the conclusion that setting goals is, YES, a good thing, a GREAT thing...But at the same time, getting into the details in goal setting isn't so good. Because that's how we develop expectations, and expectations, I am learning, are what cause disappointment. Yes, it's true. Painfully obvious, but incredibly difficult to avoid. Again, it's part of the human existence.

Lately, when I get caught up in the great bear trap of my mind, the notion of the future and how I want things to be, and my thoughts carry on just a little longer than they should and my mental picture of my future grows less fuzzy and more specific..I'm left with something new. Instead of continuing on in my daydream, if you will, something else is happening.

The internal chatter ceases, my soul's buzz halts. All that normally fills me vanishes, leaving me so full of empty that it seems there isn't even room for comfort. Instead, I'm experiencing feelings of uncertainty, loneliness, a feeling that life is passing me by and an urgency that goes unanswered. Because I simply don't have the solution yet. It's something that comes with time.

I know that I could have someone to keep me warm at night. It could be someone different every night, if so desired. And there have been times in my life when it didn't matter, as long as someone was there. Any port in the storm, as they say. But it matters now. It REALLY fucking matters. Love, connection, chemistry, attraction, passion, trust, safety, inspiration..Suddenly, ALL of these things matter to me.

I know, I know, in due time. And honestly, I'm not even looking anymore. Not only do I realize I have work to do and intend on honoring myself by doing this work, I already know where I belong. It's something I just know, like a person just knows how to breathe. My past and my future are so intertwined, with the exception of my addiction, it's all very easy to see. Moreover, I feel it in my soul. I KNOW it in my spirit.

In due time. On a lighter note, like my mom says, I always get what I want..Soooo..In due time. 

One Wish

if i could have just 1 wish right now....i would wish for a snuggle
i want to be held now, right now. i need to be loved in this very moment,
i hate the early mornings of the day following a bad day...

could i snuggle in as close as possible, bury my self in your neck

wiggling and feeling around til i find the perfect spot

where the shape of your shoulder fits the curves of my face..

where i can't see anything, where nothing can see me,

but i can still breathe through my nose.....

can i wrap my feet around your legs, flattening myself to your skin 

til a part of you is touching every single part of me

wrap some of your hair round my fingers a few times..

rub it's softness between the pads of my first and middle finger

i'd put my other hand on your chest so i could feel you breathe..

and your heartbeat..

would i finally find the safety and comfort i need, i so desperately want

in this space..this love space

could i finally just feel loved and let go of all my judgment

and experience what i just KNOW exists..i believe it's out there 

something bigger than life, and i want it..to truly love and be loved 

to truly believe and feel it

The Right Thing

My close girlfriend hit me up on instant messenger last night, we chat often since she moved back home to the east coast from San Diego, some time ago. I cherish these moments I'm privileged to have with her, even if only online and lacking the majority of the nonverbal interpersonal communication that is often necessary for deep understanding between 2 individuals. As kindred spirits, our connection is always present, despite the physical distance between and the passage of time, spiritually we are always within reach of one another.

I miss and love her dearly, she is a GOOD person, she is REAL, she is growing and evolving in ways one can only hope to witness throughout the lives of ALL the people they love, which, ironically, are commonly the same ways we often resist, refuse to acknowledge, and just plain deny ourselves personal growth in our own lives. It's The Hard Stuff, the parts of us that we don't want to admit, don't have the confidence to take a look at, the things which trigger our shame, insecurity, anger, sadness and all the other emotions which are a natural part of our soulful existence as human beings, but are regarded, unfortunately, as negative and unattractive.

Every time I talk to my friend, she's working hard to achieve a deeper understanding, or at least a deeper acceptance of herself and others, she's creating space for growth..And LOVE..I'm so proud of her. She's amazing, beautiful and brave, an inspiration...I'm blessed to have this space with her, it's always a learning experience in some way. It's so easy to love my Bean, and she deserves it.

We talk about a variety of topics, anything that comes up. There is no need to filter what is communicated, there is no judgment. How nice to have a friend to tell anything to, that can be truly and infinitely trusted, who's feedback is immeasurably valuable but who offers advice without expectation, honoring and supporting your right to make your own decisions based on whatever criteria you've determined pertinent to the outcome of the situation in question. Someone who may not always understand your needs, but at least respects them, and encourages you to do so as well.

As amazing as this is, I sometimes don't do a good job of honoring the woman she is in my life..And I end up feeling guilty, irritable and exhausted, not to mention inadequate. There are 2 contributing factors in this and both have the same central theme, which is that I rarely take space for myself when I need it, They are:

1) I am almost always there when she calls on me, even when I feel it's not in my best interest to be emotionally..I have a really difficult time setting boundaries, I often experience a feeling of intense guilt when I'm trying to determine appropriate boundaries, plus I become consumed with my inability to communicate that, sometimes, I am not in the space to take anything else on..OR that I simply don't have the energy necessary to be there for her if she (or anyone, this is a common issue for me) needs someone.

2) I also struggle with resistance to asking someone to just hear me every now and then, especially when I need it to just be about ME. There are times when I feel like I just need to talk, vent, empty myself of what's creating pressure, and I don't want to take in anything to replace what I'm releasing. Sometimes I don't want to be related to, I want my experience to be acknowledged as it's own, honored for what it is individually, in relation to ME, despite the similar experiences of anyone else. I really want to be heard, and sometimes I feel as though I'm not being listened to and truly acknowledged when I try to express myself as a way of asking to be supported, only to be answered with a story of how the person I am speaking with has been through the same thing. It's nice to be related to, I certainly don't want to seem ungrateful or selfish, but even if EVERYONE in the world has been through what I have been through, it doesn't make my personal experience any less significant or easy to deal with for me. I'm working on this, but I still rarely ask for help or support when I need it, from anyone, even her, even though I suspect I am taking away from her experience in our relationship by holding back.

Sooooo.....A few days ago I got to talk to her for the first time in probably a week, I was really glad to hear from her, we usually talk more than this, I think. Anyways, I was feeling lonely for her attention, to be perfectly honest. But on this day, as has been the case fairly often lately, I was not feeling well.

Depressed, bouts of crying out of nowhere, that feeling that life is passing me by, somehow...Loneliness, shame, longing, guilt, even regret. Yes...There IT is finally, I have decided there IS something, at least 1 thing, I have done in my life that I regret. It makes me nauseous to admit that, even now. 

Uncertainty, worthlessness, undeserving...I could go on with the list of the emotions I was experiencing, AM experiencing, but I don't know how self serving that would be, and I'm sure I've gotten my point across. I wasn't, haven't been, and still am not feeling good about myself, and of course, it is all in relation to the central theme and need in my life...Love. To love and be loved, to be in relationship mindfully and fruitfully. Fuuuuuuu! And now, the tears again. Ugghhhhhhhhhh.......

Ok, so.....One thing we ALWAYS talk about is where she's at dating and relationship wise. It's usually the first thing we talk about, and as usual, last night's conversation was started with an update about her guy and their relationship. Which I normally welcome and am eager to hear....But last night, I was not in the mood to talk to her about anything relationship related.

Because I was hurting so badly, and this particular wound I am working so hard to heal is so very deep, it was really hard for me to be open to her. It's like a wound to my spirit that, over time, couldn't heal and festered into a raging infection of my soul. And it hurts. It even encompasses my physical body, and it clouds my thoughts, sometimes even persuades my feelings. But I'm always trying to be a good friend, trying to have patience for her and myself..She deserves for me to be the same friend I always am, she deserves stability and a reliable confidante, even if I don't feel tolerant emotionally.

So I conversed with her about how things are going, how she is feeling, read about how happy she is and what her experience of being in love is like. And I still can't put words to how happy I am for her, this is such good news! I responded to her questions, gave her my honest opinion when asked, I was a good friend, as I feel I always am..All the while feeling as though I'm dying inside, still crying off and on. Instant messenger texting doesn't convey emotion, it's a very godless thing...So she never even knew.

In my recovery, and as I'm learning how to care for myself, I've come to realize that not only is it a healthy practice for me to set boundaries for MYSELF, inevitably all parties involved receive something from it. So at the same time I was being a "good" friend, I was failing her..And myself. It makes me feel so good to be helpful, to always be available, to be a "good" friend..And at the same time, in situations like this, I end up crushing myself. I can see both things, I can relate to both things..Maybe someday I'll be able to choose just one thing. The RIGHT thing.

Starting Over {Complete honesty with yourself is the way to get what you really want and need.}

FIRST POSTED:  Wednesday, April 23, 2008  

Note:This is an ongoing blog story, a journey of a girl searching for love.

Time goes on, the smoke from the burning bridges has mostly cleared, the rain has come and extinguished the fire of emotions. Enough restless days and lonely, sleepless nights have gone by, and over time, the realization that what's been done is the right thing finally settled in a bit. It's a sad, hard reality, but no matter how much I loved him, OR we loved each other, neither of us were happy, it's better this way. The aching inside was nearly suffocating, the memories endlessly daunting, the failure has been hard to swallow, but it's better this way, it's better this way. And the more time passed, the easier the days became, and I've moved on. The truest form of love, I suppose, is doing what's best when it feels the worst. And this certainly DID feel the worst, but I've moved on. It IS best this way.

Mostly forgotten personal values begin to creep back from the spiderwebs of my mind...Self confidence from the understanding that this was the correct decision, independence since there is no one else to consider first, the serenity that grows as stress lessens.....Relief. The relief that it's over, and a certainty that none of this will be my concern forever, my hope that perhaps it won't be much longer, final closure is within my grasp, my soul's full recovery is imminent. My heart's freedom has been regained...And thankfully there is little left to do in order to put all of this behind me, completely. I'm all on my own, all on my own.

It's long past time for MY time, but it's never too late, no matter how far overdue. Introspect is a dear old friend of mine, that it was dismissed for so long is quite a shame. I've welcomed it like a long lost friend I have missed tremendously, this opportunity for true reflection. So many questions, things to consider. How did we go so painfully wrong? What could I have done to better accommodate the needs of our relationship? Was I giving too much or was it not enough? How much truth is there in the things he said that hurt the most? They wouldn't have stung so badly if there weren't some truth to them. What can I learn from him/us/this and how can I evolve and become better? I don't want to go through anything like this ever EVER again, I am determined to take as much as I can from this experience, understand it, and apply it to myself. I want to give myself every chance to be successful in life....And love. Everyday, just a little better.

Moreover...How can I make myself stronger, and learn to avoid the same mistakes? What do I want in life? What do I truly truly need? How can I achieve my goals? I want to live my dream.

Reality has suddenly become very clear. There is one thing that bothers me most from all of this. I can learn from the mistakes I believe I've made, I can grow, and I have. Time will mend my wounds, I'm still a whole person, I was never less. I can recover the confidence that was somehow lost along the way, and never again will I lose it. I'm beginning to believe in myself and my dreams again, I know that I'm not asking too much, it's a matter of patience and diligence. I'm confident about all of this.

But one thing I really want is to love......and to be loved. I'm actually convinced that this is something I NEED, but not in an unhealthy way, not right this second, and definitely not if it isn't fulfilling to me as well as the other person. I've simply realized I do want to find that one person, THE one person I could spend my life with. Share life with. Build a life with. Finally I'm ready to work on settling down, find happiness in love, be comfortable. I don't want to spend my life alone. No one should be alone. Happiness, love comfort.

Funny thing to note here.....To me, it's just one more indication that your energy opens doors for you when you truly realize and embrace your deepest feelings. I started writing this blog a while back. I originally titled it "Starting Over (Why I Hate the Thought of Dating)" and kept it personal for some reason, I guess I knew somehow I wasn't quite finished writing it yet. And perhaps I still am not, as I am writing now the third update in this saga. But, since admitting not only in writing, but consciously to myself, as well, how I truly feel about love and what I'm honestly looking for, a few things have happened that make me believe even more that everything happens for a reason, and we all end up EXACTLY where we are suppose to be, eventually.

After posting the initial diary entry of this blog story, I met someone, dated them a few times. They gave me a great place to have my birthday party, and they tried really hard to keep me...But it wasn't meant to be. The energy of the universe was determined for all the little discrepancies and non-truths to be out in the open, for me not to ignore the signs. It was too bad. But it was a great stepping stone emotionally for me, staying true to myself even when someone else is doing their best to be convincing in their intentions. It didn't feel right, and I wasn't giving in.

And then I met someone else....Someone that I have a LOT in common with....Someone fun and super cute and interesting....And the fire burned at about a million degrees.....for about a few weeks. LOL! I guess that's the way it goes sometimes. The easy way out with that was that the boy's phone got broken...And apparently he doesn't email, haha, so I didn't hear from him for almost 2 weeks. So by the time he came around to getting a new phone and messaging me to hang out, it was easy to cut the ties. I was already displaced from the comfort of the situation.

I had a date with another boy, a first date, with someone I'd never met in real life. He made the decision to cancel on me the day of our plans......

And thank god. Because that was when the universe smacked me with something I was beginning to doubt was real. He didn't just walk into my life and say "Here I am." He was already there, for something like a year, in the background, chasing and waiting. Quietly. And I knew it, but wasn't sure either of us was ready. Because he is different...Like I am different. But cosmically the energy of the universes of 2 people finally aligned, ready or not. Here we come.

He is someone outspoken about his own desires in life and love, and what he's been looking for in the girl he wants to experience these things with. I've looked for the same things in my search for my guy. To me, it's the strange things like this - being with someone that recites almost exactly my values and desires as his own, without even knowing these things about me - that are the biggest things, the stuff that matters most.

I feel so fortunate. Simply to finally walk next to someone that can put a smile on my face with such ease, someone that arrived just when I needed a little reminder that humanity is not all so bad, so I should not lose all faith. Someone happy to have just me, as happy as I am to have just them. It's reciprocal, this new relationship, in everything we've experienced so far. Maybe, just maybe.... We'll see. It's easy to not rush, when there's a mutual comfort and understanding that needs not be spoken. And it's easy to take things as they come, and not worry about the proper time line when you just feel each other. Timing is everything. And what will be will be.

And what will be......Determines what won't be, as well. I believe in acceptance, having an open mind, compromising when it's appropriate, when it's reciprocal....But I don't believe that people should compromise their integrity. Their key ideals, their deepest beliefs. And on the same note, I don't think that others should disrespect or discredit these things about their mates.

The last time, for the first time, starting over was just what I wanted to do. I welcomed my new love, I'd been waiting for him...It's true. An incredible person, wonderful and amazing, intelligent, driven, headstrong and inspiring. There's nothing wrong with him....It's just that we are too different. His ideals and what drives him are opposite my own. To the point that compromising about it would mean adjusting my own standards and beliefs, in a deep and emotional way. In a way I am not willing to redirect them. I would have to accept things that hurt or frighten me in the deepest part of my soul, things I have never been able to adjust myself to. So that is that. And it is what it is. We are still friends. Which is just where we started. I can deal with that.

I'm a true romantic at heart. I have been looking for the person that's as crazy about me as I am about them, the person that IT just happens with effortlessly, but that realizes how much effort it takes to build an empire. Someone with the same values as me, that will allow me to make them the most important person in my life and award me the same. Someone loyal and kind, honest, considerate, some one to walk next to. Someone that's proud of me and supportive, encouraging and that will share my triumphs as well as my shortcomings. And allow me to share in their's. Don't think for a second I'm asking for anything I'm not willing and happy to give in return. Equality in love.

Who knows what the future will bring. There is so much to do. So many things to say. But for the moment, I'm going to let this one ride, and see where it takes me. Who knows? Maybe I WILL end up keeping a promise and marrying DC when I turn 35, because maybe we'll both still be unmarried. But I doubt that. I KNOW my person, the person for me is near. I just know, because what I am asking for is not too much.

And I am worth it.