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Thirteen years ago today, my grampa died. He had cancer, I'll never forget. I lived with him, and my gramma at the time, in the home where they raised their family, in my hometown. I didn't have a relationship with either of my parents at the time, I was a senior in high school, ready to graduate in a month. I was a full blown addict by this time. 

I will never forget what happened that morning. I will never forget the look on my gramma's face. I will never forget feeling like I let time slip away, like I didn't take the time to say my goodbyes, like I could have been there with him more. 

I will also never forget that he was my hero, he loved me and was gentle with me, his stories or the things he loved. The way his shop smelled and the ham radio he built from bits with his own hands. I will never forget his laugh, his eyes, his jokes. Or the way he was respected and admired. He was a good man. Truly.

I could go on forever but what I really want to say is this....I am so glad to be honoring his life completely sober today. I can't remember ever spending this day 100% sober. It is painful, the memories are vivid, but goddammit, he deserves it and so do I. 

The last several years this day has often come and gone without me even noticing what day it was consciously. Because I was fucked up. Never again. I already called my gramma, dad and aunt today. Because it's a day of family, he held us together. Now, we have to hold each other. Because it's important.

I will never forget.

Memory Flash

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Monday, April 23, 2007  

"I have 2 of those!!!!" I called out as I pointed to the beautiful little white one, I was pumping gas, but I was so excited to see another that looked so much like my little girl, such a rare thing. I gave the girl and her boyfriend my number and told her to call me, we should hang out, and then they left. I watched them walk away, I watched the little one mostly. She looked so much like mine it had startled me at first glance.

The girl actually called a few days later, to my surprise and excitement. My boyfriend and I took my two over to her house to play, while we talked to the girl and her boyfriend. They played together once, the three of them. My girl got jealous when my boy played with the other girl, the one that looked so much like herself. She snapped at the other, caught a bit of skin, causing her face to bleed a bit. My new friend gracefully and calmly quieted the situation, I felt so bad. My new friend reassured me that all was well...Please come back, everything is fine, we aren't mad. And she meant it. So I did, I went back, and we became very good friends, the girl I met at 7-11 and I.

Sometime around the New Year of 2007 I was petting her and rubbing her, the other white one, telling her how pretty she was and that she was such a good girl. It was so easy to grow attached to her, with her loving personality and such a physical similarity to my own. She was like a member of our family to me. As I was looking in her big, beautiful dark eyes, with my fingers running through the unbelievably soft white of her neck, all I could think was, how could she never lose her baby softness, this little girl of 8 and a half, and what a remarkable resemblance she bore to my own snowy little girl. If you weren't paying attention, you could almost easily mistake them for each other, even I did a double take of them more than once. Very special this was to me, to be so fortunate as to experience a most beautiful nearly matching set, in a reality determined to make such beauty extinct.

I looked into her huge dark eyes and ran my hands upwards and under her jaw, smiling at her and drifting along in my happiness, enjoying my visit. Her mom was in the kitchen preoccupied with something for a few moments, it was just me and her. "You're so pretty!" I always talked to her, just like I talk to mine. Smiling and rubbing, I rubbed her under the chin and my body went cold. A large lump on either side. Ice in my stomach, I gently felt them. She showed no indication of discomfort at all, but I was uncomfortable.

I looked up at my friend in the kitchen, still preoccupied. I can't tell her....I can't tell her. I looked back into the little girl's eyes. And I told her "Wow, Princess! You're such a big girl! Your neck is much bigger than my doggies' necks! You're so good!!" I knew my friend could hear.

A few days later, maybe 5 days, at night, the phone rang. It was my friend. She sounded heartbroken. It was stage 3 lymphoma. There are only 5 stages.

Raw food, real bones, so many suppliments and prednisone. Lots of love and rest, rest, rest. The lumps come, the lumps go, more symptoms, less symptoms. Accupuncture, Reiki, Holistic Vet. Months go by. An emotional roller coaster.

Tuesday morning, April 17th. 9:45. The phone rings. Will you come please, I don't want to be alone. Yes, of course.

I petted her and petted her, told her what a good girl she was, and how pretty she was. She looked up at me, lifted her head. Laid her face in my hand. I cried silently, I couldn't look at my friend. She was crying, heartbroken, didn't know what to do with herself. I didn't know what to do, I just didn't know, so I petted the little girl that looked so much like my little girl. I just kept petting.

The lady came. It was so peaceful and quick, and I am so glad, glad for my friend, and glad for the little white one. Glad for my friend's boyfriend and glad for me. My poor friend. It was over. But she's still everywhere.



***This affected me so deeply, everyday this runs through my mind. Our memories run through my mind, these bits and pieces. This little girl touched my life in such a special way, not to mention my friend's and all the others who love her. Thank you Princess. White Boxers Forever <3

The Reality: Love What You've Got Today

ORIGINALLY POSTED:   Tuesday, April 17, 2007      

Today is a challenge. I fought the clock nearly all night long, even now I try to pull the blinds more tightly shut, maybe if I can keep the light out...Maybe if the sun can't get in...Maybe if I just squeeze my eyes shut as tightly as I can and lie very still...Maybe time will stop. I won't have  to see my friend's heart broken. Maybe 10:00 won't come. Please don't let 10:00 come.

I wish that day months ago could just be erased. It seems like yesterday, there is never enough time. But it has been much longer than anyone expected, so much longer. Still...It's so hard to see my friend hurting, frightened and uncertain. All this time we knew it was coming, but how do you prepare? How do you accept something so life changing gracefully? How can I help her through this, it feels like the end of the world to her.

In one more hour one of my dearest friends will say goodbye to her little girl. They will come and put her to sleep, and then take her away, and that will be the end of her fight, poor little girl. She was so strong and made it so much longer than anyone imagined. I wonder if she fought so hard because she didn't want to leave my friend, a special kind of loyalty, true love.

My friend, I'm so proud of her, was strong through all this, she has done everything so selflessly, I admire her for her ability to put her girl's comfortability and best interests before her own needs. She has done her best to make everyday the best day, even when she felt like her world was crashing down. She tried so hard to never let her girl see her breaking. I wonder if I could be as strong as she has been, it hits so close to home and I feel for her so deeply that it makes me doubt that I could. But today...Today I have to be strong for my friend, I have to be there for her, that is what today is for.

Love what you've got today. Days go by and things are usual and comfortable, we grow accustomed to this and take the most special parts of our lives for granted. Because the most special things are almost always the things that are always there, the things we love, that love us. I have found through all of this that I am guilty. I have often taken advantage of the comfort that my most cherished things will be there when I get home, and the days will continue to slip by just as they have. It's a dangerous mistake. There may always be tomorrow...But, if there isn't, yesterday is gone too. I don't want to let the days slip by anymore.

In 45 minutes a little white angel will get her wings. She has always been an angel, my friend's guardian angel, and soon she will be just that in the truest sense. My friend wondered, "Will she come visit me in my dreams?" Of course. I know that she will never leave, she will always be right by my friend's side, bouncing along on a leash of love. True love never dies. 

This blog is dedicated to Princess, without her, I would have never met a truly wonderful and inspiring friend, someone I admire and care for deeply. Love Always. <3<3<3

 
 

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