Where I Am, Where Do I Want To Be?

ORIGINALLY POSTED: September 13, 2009 8:09:03 PM ON SHAKTI YAHOO COMMUNITY

This week, as many of you already know, has been a hard one for me. And yes, although I have been clean from meth for 102 days, I did relapse on alcohol this week. There, I said it. 

I didn't like it Friday night when a fellow apprentice told others that I had relapsed on alcohol immediately after I told her. She asked me a question and I was honest in my answer, and yes, it's true that Shakti is open with issues like these, that they are public knowledge. But I feel like I deserved the opportunity to own my relapse, to tell the others myself, and that's something I still feel. I thought everyone deserved a chance to tell their "shit" first, and if in good time it hadn't been done, then out with it from anyone who may know. To me, 15 minutes or so just doesn't seem like "good time."

However, in retrospect, I recognize that I am not necessarily the authority on situations like these. I mean, if it was going to be known, who cares where it came from, right? God, I wish it were that simple, I wish all of this were simple, but nothing in life right now is easy. Or simple for that matter. 

This is all I've got right now, I'm spent. Another long day in a short life.

About a Girl...A New Chapter

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Monday, October 19, 2009
  

Sometimes I drink to stifle my feelings
I know it's wrong but I don't always wanna think about that
And more often I just don't care enough not to
Often I don't want to sit with what I feel
But I'm always I'm addicted to my shit
I never fail to get mad when someone tries to caretake me and take some responsibility for what I am going through
Because it's always mine
I'm very selfish like that
Sometimes the urge to smoke meth is almost unbearable
I always think that 15 years is long enough to have an addiction
But sometimes I don't care
And at the same time, I practice not committing to that desire
And I am sure that all of these things can exist at the same time
I always want to smoke a cigarette
But I'm also always trying to quit
I never buy cigarettes anymore
I know that's the first step
I always long for that special someone
But the desire's even stronger when I listen to music with a piano
And when I drink
And sometimes even when I am just sitting with myself
It's really always there
Such a strong feeling of need
Need to do something with myself that involves another
I find myself wondering why I haven't found that person yet
And then I remember.....I'm not fucking ready
But still I always want it
And sometimes I even cry for it
But more often I cry for myself
Not out of pity but out of relief
Even though sometimes I don't want to feel, I love knowing that I am alive
Sometimes I am shy
Yes, me, even I am shy
I am uncertain, I'm learning who I am
Without my best friend, my addiction, I am someone completely different than I have thought for so many years
I require a lot of patience
Sometimes I act out
I'm amazed to find that despite my immaturity and uncertainty, I am still loved
I feel selfish when I remember that I am loved but realize that I still want MORE
I often think of heartache past
And try to convince myself that it wasn't so bad
So that maybe if I call him, reconcile with him, I won't feel so lonely
Because it wasn't that bad....Was it?
It wasn't so bad it was unbearable....And then I wonder, What does that mean?
What does that say about me? I don't want to settle!
 I am weak!
And why am I so selfish to not be able to replace that unhealthy attention with the fullness and genuineness of what I am receiving now?
Because it's real. Can I accept what's real?
I have never known such a thing. Or if I have, I have dismissed it as boring and unfulfilling
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I know there is potential, but I grow weary
Comfort in immediate gratification
Even when it's really not gratifying but at least I knew what to expect
I hate to be let down
I have low standards
But I'm trying to raise them!
Everyday, even when I don't do the right thing sometimes, I'm always thinking of change
Evolution
I'm always thinking of someday
But trying to be present today
Be conscious in my body
It's so hard to live in the moment when the moment sucks
I often want to fast forward to the day when I am who I want to be
But when I think of it I remember that if I could do that
I wouldn't appreciate any of it
Because what is the future worth
Without the pilgrimage to the mecca
And who the hell is it that I want to really be?!
I don't even know that yet
I am guilty of not valuing things that are simply handed to me
I am guilty of taking advantage of ease
I am guilty of not loving myself
So how can I love anyone else
I am guilty of knowing all these things but still expecting more
I am guilty of insanity
I am guilty of lying
More to myself than to others, but what's worse when it all comes down to it?
And are those 2 things really different?
I have relapsed on coke
I have relapsed on alcohol
I have relapsed on marijuana
I have have even run to men
I have committed to doing things I know are not good for me
Sometimes I eat fast food
That in itself is terrible since I preach organic whole foods
I am a hypocrite
I am not as strong as I try to convince others and myself that I  am
I love yoga but I refuse to do it
Same with dance
I am lazy
I am mostly honest
Or at least I try to be
And I try to accept and understand my own discrepancies
I'm always working on that one
The longer I sit with who I am the more that shit comes up
But...Bottom line...I am just me
Trying to work to the best I can be
It's fucking hard goddammit.

Clarity

FIRST POSTED:  Tuesday, April 15, 2008 

Sometimes, yes, even now, after all the years of insanity via repeated behavior, I learn things the hard way. Important things. It's never a small thing that I end up coming to terms with through these incidences, and usually it ends up a painful lesson, going in the direction I absolutely DIDN'T want it to go. Valuable life lessons. Oooooohhhhhhhh....Bah.

I took a big fat leap off the wagon into a giant puddle of clarity last week. I thought, why not? It's just for fun, not something I'll return to regularly, everything in moderation. A time and place for everything. But I was wrong. It wasn't the time. I didn't enjoy it. And I realized it right away. It didn't turn out like I thought it would, but I did get to think about what I had done, why I had done it, and how I felt about it a lot. Which was one good result of my bad decision.

I realized that when I am fulfilling that desire within myself, I am actually taking so much of myself away. It's a pretty selfish thing, when all these years I have considered myself fairly selfless. What I couldn't see before, when I was in my comfort zone, which was nonstop, was that when I was in that space that I reserved only for myself, I wasn't capable of being even half of the person that I am when I am out of that space. I am robbing humanity of.....Well, really now, who knows just what. Because even I, after so many years of this shit, am not sure what I am truly capable of accomplishing.

I have always thought I am a kind person, the type of girl that would help anyone out if they only asked, sometimes even if they hadn't said a word but just needed it, and yet other times when it would just accommodate them and I had it in me to put forth the effort. I've always tried to go out of my way to contribute to the positive side of humanity, I've always tried to grow flowers. I realized that this is great, it's nice. But what if I had been at 100% instead of a mere 50% at most?

I just realized that although all these years weren't wasted energy and effort, they were, however, a great deal of wasted time. Time I could have used to achieve so much more. I see my little flowers growing around me....Yay! But damn. I wish that instead of a collection of potted plants, I had a prairie infected with the uncontrollable spread of wildflowers. Who knows what could have been, but it makes me excited to see what will be.

The real wake up call here was when my guy asked me how my wagon ride had been going. And I told him I'd jumped off. Just for a minute! I can catch up! He already knew. He was disappointed, after being so patient and encouraging, I hadn't fallen, I'd jumped. Why? Because I'd wanted to. And as a result, I wasn't my normal affectionate, sweet, positive self. I couldn't give him what he deserved, which was 100% of me. Instead, he got a distracted, shifty, distraught me. I shouldn't have seen him that day. But in my selfish-ness, I put me first, and didn't even consider him.

What he said to me was this, something no one's ever said to me before. And it sealed the deal. He said, in a nutshell, that he wanted to fall in love with a sweet, happy midwest girl. The REAL me. Not someone that wouldn't look him in the eye, kiss him, be there with him. Damn, was I confused. After so many years, I thought this WAS me. Soooooooo wrong. And for the first time, for the FIRST TIME, I found clarity. Right when I landed, head first, in a river of it. I had already realized it, I had found it and embraced it within myself, but now I was being baptized in it, held under the surface, feeling helpless and uncertain.

Why had I not seen this before? Why had I avoided it, ignored it, despised it, rejected it? Because I had WANTED to. No wonder karma hadn't been on my side for such a long time. It's almost cruel, like giving the world a taste of my candy soul, only a taste, and then taking it away. Have I been selfless? I would like to think. But I cannot lie. What a horrible thing to deprive the world, my world. Me. How can I live and not give all of me?

I wasn't living. I was just being. And I was wrong.