Portland

the thick, humid weight of your words

and the static crack of your voice

what?..stop!..wait...what was that i just heard

in the overly deliberate annunciation of your mumblings

heavily sauced, wavering in and out of audibility 

strain to hear, comprehend, ears now ringing 

tears like dewdrops sliding down petals of a flower

forge southbound over blushing fleshy hills 

little sparkling rivers, fed of a sudden spring shower

my spirit trembling, biting back sobs i can't be rid of

my soul understood your words, i heard from within

your child voice..along with mine...."i just want to be loved"

i want to comfort you..stand by you..witness and honor you

it's the one surviving constant through life's changes of heart

our love is all that remains, binding soulmates through and true

Do You REALLY Mean Everything You Say?

He said, "Let me ask you a question..Do you really mean everything you say?"

*Neutral posture, no body language, emotionless gaze.*

((Where did that question come from, and why can't I "hear" what he's really asking me?))

"Well, with the exception of when I'm "talking shit," which is completely obvious....Yes..I believe I do..Why? Is there a reason you're asking me this?"

"Well, it's just something you said earlier..About how you may feel THIS way about something today....But tomorrow, you may feel completely different.."

((Ahhhh...!))

*Smile*

((I love it when people really listen to what I'm saying..And how nice to have my most recent epiphany addressed..))

**Nod acknowledging the question while processing the answer**

"Yes..It's true! As hypocritical as that may look in this moment, I have come to a deeper understanding of "Beliefs" recently. I'm able to see now that how I feel about anything, and what I believe about anything, is determined by what I have learned about it. So it is not reasonable to refuse to re-examine my beliefs when new information is introduced to me, THAT would not be living authentically."

*Breathe*

**Inventory what I've said..And what I still need to convey**

((I'm doing it! This is making sense!))

"It does not mean that what I think/feel TODAY is wrong, because it isn't, it's just what is true for me IN THIS MOMENT. BUT I am learning new things, all day everyday. So many things I've always thought I deeply understood often look different now, because I'm open to accepting new information about these very important beliefs. I have recently noticed a shift in how I feel about my beliefs and being open to making adjustments, even when it's uncomfortable or hard." 

((Here it is...I'm actually gonna get it all out!))

"In my opinion, the privilege to change our minds whenever we want to is one of the greatest gifts of being human. And the biggest hypocrisy would be to not allow myself to evolve by shutting things out that could shift my beliefs, which would be a huge insult to myself and the people around me, it would not be mindful, it would not be conscious. It would be judgmental, it would be self sabotage, it would definitely be failure. It is our right and responsibility as humans to lead as full an existence as possible, and to accomplish that, nothing can be overlooked or ignored."

*Breathe*

((That wasn't so bad...I think I did it!))

"....You've changed....So much about you is different, you've really changed."

*Neutral posture, no body language, emotionless gaze* 

((Why can't I "hear" what he's really telling me?))

*Breathe, create space, stop trying to judge his words*

"Not just your appearance, something deep about you has changed.."

 ((As good as truly being listened to right now feels, this is getting uncomfortable, he's known me for years and I feel like I'm under his magnifying glass..Well, I meant all of what I said, so it is what it is. It will be ok, I'm being authentic. That's the best I can do. It's ok!))

"You've definitely changed, and only in a GOOD way."

*Nod*

*Breathe....*

((WHEW!!!))

*Smile*

"Thank you...."

In Due Time

I know that thinking about the future (or the past, for that matter) too much prevents me from being present RIGHT NOW, which, in reality, is all that really matters. In MY personal opinion, at least. Because I know the past is gone, and the "future" may never come, and who knows what will happen from one second to the next..But knowledge doesn't make me anything greater than human, I live a very human existence. Obviously.

So, sometimes I think about the future. And the past too of course, but that is another story, for a future blog. Or 13,013 future blogs, perhaps!  ヅ  God knows I could go on forever about the past, who couldn't, right? Anyways.....This blog is about the future, and my feelings about MY future. Relationship wise, where I want to be, the potential of parenting, these ideas inspire this blog, and what I am experiencing.

Remarkable, isn't it, that I recently came to the conclusion that setting goals is, YES, a good thing, a GREAT thing...But at the same time, getting into the details in goal setting isn't so good. Because that's how we develop expectations, and expectations, I am learning, are what cause disappointment. Yes, it's true. Painfully obvious, but incredibly difficult to avoid. Again, it's part of the human existence.

Lately, when I get caught up in the great bear trap of my mind, the notion of the future and how I want things to be, and my thoughts carry on just a little longer than they should and my mental picture of my future grows less fuzzy and more specific..I'm left with something new. Instead of continuing on in my daydream, if you will, something else is happening.

The internal chatter ceases, my soul's buzz halts. All that normally fills me vanishes, leaving me so full of empty that it seems there isn't even room for comfort. Instead, I'm experiencing feelings of uncertainty, loneliness, a feeling that life is passing me by and an urgency that goes unanswered. Because I simply don't have the solution yet. It's something that comes with time.

I know that I could have someone to keep me warm at night. It could be someone different every night, if so desired. And there have been times in my life when it didn't matter, as long as someone was there. Any port in the storm, as they say. But it matters now. It REALLY fucking matters. Love, connection, chemistry, attraction, passion, trust, safety, inspiration..Suddenly, ALL of these things matter to me.

I know, I know, in due time. And honestly, I'm not even looking anymore. Not only do I realize I have work to do and intend on honoring myself by doing this work, I already know where I belong. It's something I just know, like a person just knows how to breathe. My past and my future are so intertwined, with the exception of my addiction, it's all very easy to see. Moreover, I feel it in my soul. I KNOW it in my spirit.

In due time. On a lighter note, like my mom says, I always get what I want..Soooo..In due time. 

13

Thirteen years ago today, my grampa died. He had cancer, I'll never forget. I lived with him, and my gramma at the time, in the home where they raised their family, in my hometown. I didn't have a relationship with either of my parents at the time, I was a senior in high school, ready to graduate in a month. I was a full blown addict by this time. 

I will never forget what happened that morning. I will never forget the look on my gramma's face. I will never forget feeling like I let time slip away, like I didn't take the time to say my goodbyes, like I could have been there with him more. 

I will also never forget that he was my hero, he loved me and was gentle with me, his stories or the things he loved. The way his shop smelled and the ham radio he built from bits with his own hands. I will never forget his laugh, his eyes, his jokes. Or the way he was respected and admired. He was a good man. Truly.

I could go on forever but what I really want to say is this....I am so glad to be honoring his life completely sober today. I can't remember ever spending this day 100% sober. It is painful, the memories are vivid, but goddammit, he deserves it and so do I. 

The last several years this day has often come and gone without me even noticing what day it was consciously. Because I was fucked up. Never again. I already called my gramma, dad and aunt today. Because it's a day of family, he held us together. Now, we have to hold each other. Because it's important.

I will never forget.

HOME

Home is where the heart is

I want to go home

Wherever that is

Happy as I Wanna Be

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Tuesday, April 10, 2007 

I am no good at baseball, and even worse at softball, which sucks, because sometimes life throws you a curve ball. Who knows why, maybe to show you something you were unaware of previously; perhaps it is for the entertainment of someone or something out there watching us, as sick as that sounds, as we are unaware; then there is always at least one person who claims it is due to nothing, just a random event; could it be to teach us a lesson; or could it be karmic payback?

I don't know exactly why this happens, but I do know that I don't think that there is any such thing as random occurrence. I believe that everything happens for a reason, I believe in destiny, fate. What will be will be. I believe that everyone eventually ends up exactly where they are suppose to end up, one way or another, no matter what.

Yes, in this life we all have choices to make. We all have to make decisions that shape our current situations as well as our futures. I believe that as we travel along the paths of life, side by side sometimes, yet still alone, we must make choices, and it is these choices that determine how difficult our pilgrimage will be, how easily we will reach our mecca. But we will all reach our destination, eventually.

Since this is my belief, I am forced to admit that in my life, until quite recently, I have made bad choices. Consistently. This is my comfort zone, and as much as it doesn't make any sense to say this, in a way, I guess I have felt that at least I knew what to expect. Even if that is just knowing that I can expect more unhappiness and discomfort, more personal disappointment as well as disappointment for the ones that care about me. As hard as it is to admit that, I can't deny it, I must embrace it.

So what do you do when life throws you a curve ball, and, like something from a dream, you watch the ball speeding toward you, in slow motion. You watch the ball as you swing the bat, you see the ball. You see the ball connect with your bat, connect with the sweet spot. You feel an earthquake move through your body, the sound of the bat and ball colliding pierces your eardrums, it's deafening, like the report of a gun, tremors still shaking your arms as the ball hurtles through the air away from your bat. But still, the tremors don't stop. And your ears still ring. It's so surreal, your eyes long to blink, stinging from dryness and strain, but you can't tear them from the ball, it may be gone in that split second that you look away. It's like a very real feeling dream. Did it really happen?

Something is different. Something out of my comfort zone has recently taken place. I have used good decision making skills for once, and everything is different. Like a pebble breaking the glassy still surface of a quiet pond when a child tosses it in, ripples and ripples, spreading far and wide, ripples of change. The living things in the pond are scared, they dart away, startled. Sometimes I wish I would run away, scared, I think of hiding. But something keeps me near, I can't even turn away or close my eyes.

Is destiny calling me, Jamie Lee...Jamie Lee...

Nothing is wrong, nothing in my world is wrong right now.

This is the single most frightening thing I have ever experienced.