I Can't Even Process This Right Now

ORIGINALLY POSTED:   September 23, 2009   ON SHAKTI YAHOO COMMUNITY

Soooooooo....The Shakti Fall Retreat is this weekend, and my roommate is out of town. I need someone to watch over my dogs for me while I am attending, so I asked the people who live in the separate guest home behind my house today if they could take care of it for a day while I am gone, and they said of course! They know why I am at Shakti, they know about my battle with meth, and have been very supportive of me in my recovery so far. I thought I had this weekend worked out until a few minutes ago.

My girl wanted outside so I went to let her out and to my surprise, my neighbor's door was slightly open, they usually have the door shut at this time. I could see in, it's in my direct line of sight from my back door and I wasn't trying to look, but it just happens that they were sitting right inside with a guest, and low and behold, right in front of the door, one of them was holding a pipe. It was the type of pipe used to smoke crystal meth. It's definitely no mistake on my part, it's an obvious difference from a marijuana pipe, which isn't ok either, but jeeze! I guess they didn't think I could see in, because they didn't try to conceal it at all.

I'm so freaked out right now, I can't even begin to deal with this in my mind. I mean, really? I don't know what to say. I feel sick, and freaked out, and just confused. I can't consciously leave my little ones in their care, I feel so weird knowing that it's right outside my back door. I feel nauseous, I just don't know. I just don't know! I'm feeling upset, confused, sick and like I don't know up from down. I'm going to bed, but I needed to get this off my chest, I can't deal with the thought of what's going on in my own backyard! My mind isn't racing like it usually does, it's almost like I am drawing a blank right now. I don't know what to do. :-(

BRU'S NEWS and Canine Ear Candling

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Friday, June 05, 2009 

First and foremost I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who commented, messaged, called or thought of my little family over the last week, this has been an incredibly trying and emotionally exhausting situation, but hearing from everyone really made a big difference, helped me deal with it a little better, which obviously made things easier for her, so thank you all, your kindness will not be forgotten. All our love to each of you. :-)

So....On to the update! Yesterday was the 6th day Bruti refused food, and after managing to keep the water she was drinking down since Sunday, she started throwing up again. After speaking to the puppy doctor on the phone, I made the decision to wait to go back to the hospital, because she was still drinking, and more than she had been the previous days, she was keeping most of it down, and she seemed stronger and happier. However, I decided to candle her ears, something I had been planning to do when she became sick because she had a bit of an ear infection and that's what we do when Bru's ears start bothering her. It's a great alternative to pharmaceuticals, it works amazingly well, and immediately. But when she got sick, I decided to wait, since she was so weak and sleeping all the time, I didn't want to disturb her rest, she needed it to heal. But last night, she was feeling noticeably better, so it seemed a good time to candle.

Now, a personal opinion I have about ear candling....Not only is it an amazing thing for the ears and sinuses, as it draws out everything that's in there....It does wonders for the recipient as a whole. Without going into my personal analysis of why ear candling is such an incredibly healing and good thing for someone to do for their entire body, let me just say that, from my own personal experience, the experience I've gained from candling others and their reactions to it, and of course, the experience I've gotten from candling my dogs and the noticeable benefits they have from it, it's definitely a great thing to do for yourself. Bru, for example, has always suffered from ear infections, and she's gotten so use to them that she doesn't show any of the usual symptoms until the infection is REALLY bad. When she was little she had to have special ear drops and take days of meds from the vet when she would get an infection, until I decided that we weren't going to take pharms anymore unless it is absolutely necessary. So I decided to try candling when the need would arise, and amazingly, even with her worst infections, 1 session clears it up completely, and she's good to go for months. No drops, no meds, no vet. Just a set of good candles and an hour out of your day, tops. Not to mention that she LOVES it, she totally relaxes and just let's me do my thing. Imagine a dog with a long flaming cone sticking out of her ear, just laying there, not a care in the world...

Anyways, my friend John was visiting, checking in on Bruti and I, and agreed to sit in so I could do it, I never candle alone, LoL....Flames....Hair....Yeah. You never know, better safe than sorry I believe. Before I started, I told him that I had a feeling that after candling, she would be way better this morning...So we started the process. And while I candled her ears, I focused on her energy, my energy, and helping her heal, envisioned my hands transferring good, loving, healthy energy into Bruti's body as I rubbed her, and thought deeply of our love and my desire for her to recover. About how much she means to me and how much I need her. I gave her all my attention, all my love, all of me. And guess what? Today, there's another new believer in energy healing, my friend John, who saw her yesterday and was witness to what I did last night, is amazed by her condition today...It's as though Bruti was never sick. She's running, jumping, barking, (I haven't heard her sweet voice in a week!) EATING, met me at the door earlier, in fact, she beat me there! You'd never know that she'd been unwell, if she hadn't lost so much weight. Can you believe it?! Amazing, huh? :D

It's no doubt that the power of our love and energy and the effect it can have is incredible. That's why I say "Love what you've got today, because yesterday's gone..And tomorrow may never come. Love truly, love deeply, love fiercely & boundlessly, but most of all, love consciously & outwardly. Do it NOW." Just imagine, think of what the world may be if we all did this just a little more....Then throw in some ear candles and who KNOWS what might be possible, LoL!

All our love......<3

Love What You've Got Today...Re-Lived, Even More Up Close and Personal-Bruti's Reminder

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Tuesday, June 02, 2009 

"Love what you've got today. Days go by and things are usual and
comfortable, we grow accustomed to this and take the most special parts
of our lives for granted. Because the most special things are almost
always the things that are always there, the things we love, that love
us. I have found through all of this that I am guilty. I have often
taken advantage of the comfort that my most cherished things will be
there when I get home, and the days will continue to slip by just as
they have. It's a dangerous mistake. There may always be
tomorrow...But, if there isn't, yesterday is gone too. I don't want to
let the days slip by anymore..."
The Reality: Love What You've Got Today, originally written by myself for Princess the White Boxer, who was the girl of my close friend Franny. We lost Prinny to cancer a few years ago, it was and is something that affects me deeply, so close to home. And now this is revisited on an even more personal level, the lesson I learned so invaluable, I have to pay homage, have to be mindful.

The days that have passed since I woke up Friday, to the sound of my little girl vomiting on the floor next to my bed, have been some of the hardest I have ever lived. Yes, ever, in all the things I have experienced in my life, this definitely rates up at the top of the list of "The Worst Things I Have Ever Been Through" and it reminds me, there's no way it couldn't, of something a few years ago that took me a long time to deal with, a long time to put away. In retrospect, I shouldn't have ever completely put that away, there are some things so painful...We want to forget. But I am beginning to believe it's these things we should keep closest, to remind us to be mindful, life is so short and the days go by so fast. I want to make every day, every second, every THING the best it can be, no regrets that way...When you do your best and give it all you've got. I have no regrets, more importantly, I don't want any, either.

Friday morning, I woke up early, Butch and Bruti were already awake so I let them out and prepared their breakfast. When they came inside I went back to bed, assuming they would eat and then come in as they always do. Bruti came into my room much sooner than normal, but I was drifting along, neither awake nor asleep, somewhere in a half dream in between. She started trying to get my attention, I could hear her pacing and coming toward the edge of my bed and then away, again and again, sorta whining just a little, I told myself she was being a brat, she wanted up in the bed with me as she often does so I ignored her, I wasn't ready to dismiss my half dream to get up and let her in the bed with me. But I should have known, shouldn't have dismissed her behavior, her persistance with me was obvious, she never tries that hard, she really doesn't ever bother me for anything, she's a very good girl. And then I heard it..The warm, wet sound that you can't ever mistake, a sound that makes your stomach almost turn....Vomit making contact with the hardwood floor.

I was up instantly, "Oh Bru! What's wrong, PuppyGirl? Ohhhh nooooo! Come here little one," and she tried, took a step and a half and started heaving again. "Something's wrong, something's wrong," whispers through my mind, but all I could focus on is how bad I felt for not acknowledging her when she was trying to rouse me, she just wanted out. Poor puppy daughter, poor sweet Bru. So we headed toward the back door, she out into the yard heaving, and me to get cleaning supplies. The day, the entire day went on just like this, and Friday night most of the night, more of the same. Bru heaving, me cleaning. Water...Vomit, too much movement...Vomit, for no reason...Vomit. Bru hadn't eaten since Thursday night and hadn't kept any water down since then either. She couldn't get comfortable, just when you thought she was going to settle down, she would jump up and pace around, quickly, uncertainly. She wanted to be held but couldn't sit still. She fought sleep so hard that I had to pull an old school Baby Bru trick outta my hat and rub circles around her ears to get her down. When I did, I thought to myself that she would sleep it off, whatever it was. But even as she slept, she woke up a number of times heaving, throwing up on me, since she was sleeping with her head on my chest, twice. It didn't matter, it would wash off. My girl...After vomiting 13 or 14 times, I was wondering what could be wrong with my girl.

Saturday...She woke up a little happier. She drank a little water, refused food, as she had done on Friday, but drank a little water and didn't throw up. I went to the store, for pedialite and some eggs for her, she likes eggs and they're bland, and pedialite just to help rehydrate. Happy that she seemed better, I didn't worry about what had upset her the day before. When I got home, to my dismay, it started again. So now it was over 24 hours since she really hadn't been able to keep anything down, even water. 24 hours seems like an eternity when one of the most important things in your life is sick and hurting...But can't tell you what's wrong. My stress level nearly reached the panic stage when she threw up A LOT of watery fluid the color of healthy grass when I knew there was nothing in her stomach. She'd already thrown it all up. It was time to go to the puppy hospital.

Around 1:30 or so we went to the hospital in La Mesa. Something was on our side for that, they weren't busy at all, we didn't have too wait long. When the Dr came in I was sitting on the floor crosslegged, with Bru in my lap, her head resting on my shoulder. He looked like he wasn't expecting that, but to my surprise and approval, he sat on the floor as well when we started talking, eye to eye with us. He listened and was very interested in her lifestyle and the care I give her, and was very happy with the information I gave him, about that and the details of what had been going on the last couple of days. He wanted to do xrays and blood work. Fine. He wanted to take her into another room for all of that, and obvioiusly for the xrays that's necessary, but I wasn't going to let him have anyone put needles in my little girl if I wasn't present, and although he told me that was the rule, he made an exception and bent the rule for us, sending a lab tech in to get the blood. Then they took her to xray.

It really didn't take long until the doctor returned with Bruti, and they had the results ready really quickly. The doctor explained that in situations like this, we actually hope for no diagnosis, for no sign of pancreantitis or some liver problem that's apparently common, and that the dog just responds to whatever treatment and gets better, in which case we could presume it was the flu or something. Her xrays didn't show anything abnormal, I had thought she was constipated because she had been straining really hard to go potty, but nothing would happen. That can cause vomiting if things get too backed up. That wasn't the case. No blockage or tumors or anything. Blood work was mostly normal, with the exception of a few things that could have been from dehydration, but nothing to really go off of. No diagnosis. Just what we were told to hope for.

So, there was now the issue of treatment. Obviously, the Dr recommended that she be admitted and kept on an IV over night, there was obviously the risk of severe dehydration. But Bru is never away from us...I couldn't do that to any of us. We're like 3 peas in a pod...And peas don't change their pods. The vet was expecting this, and told me that, although he never offers it as an option, especially in situations like ours, there was outpatient treatment. He said that upon seeing her with me and hearing about her lifestyle, he would be ok with allowing that, but wanted to give her fluid under her skin, to combat dehydration, as well as a shot for the nausea. There's a time and a place for pharmaceuticals, even for those of us that do not use them, and obviously I accepted. I was just so glad to be taking her home with me. So, $550 and 6+ hours later, I left the puppy hospital with my poor little hunchback Bru, (They put the fluid under the skin in the shoulder area, LoL) no diagnosis, and instructions on how to care for her. At the bottom the doctor wrote, "Thank you for taking such good care of Bruti, she is a very sweet dog." Even now, just as it did the first time, reading or even thinking it makes me cry. She's my everything, of course I do all I can for her, she counts on me. She loves ME..I LOVE her. More than life.

The last few days have been trying. She's holding water down but not drinking enough. She sleeps nonstop. She's still feverish, and in 5 days she's only accepted 4 tablespoons of the chicken and rice that I am allowed to give her. I find myself spending a lot of time watching her sleep, the rise and fall of her ribcage...Watching her gradually get thinner. Begging her to eat, please drink more Bruti! I cry a lot, I'm not ready for this, not ready for anything with her unless it's happy. She's my one reliable, unconditional love. She's never let me down, I've always been able to count on her. Through some of the hardest times in my life, she was my rock, she kept me here. 6.5 years, the best and worst times of my life, just me and her. And Butchy for 5 of those years, but Butchy loves everyone. Bruti's like.....My palest shadow, my flag, my soul embodied outside of my self. She's my everything, and to see her like this is crushing.

I can only
say..It's humbling to hold something you love more than anything when the
future's uncertain, looking down at her sleeping in my arms reminds me that these 6.5 years haven't been enough..I'll never ever ever have enough of Bruti. I think back over the time, have I really appreciated it? Yes. But can you ever appreciate it enough??!.....So..Love what you've got today, because yesterday's
gone..And tomorrow may never come. Love truly, love deeply, love
fiercely & boundlessly, but most of all, love consciously &
outwardly. Do it NOW. Be mindful of the opportunity you have, time is short, there's never enough. It will never be enough.

True love NEVER dies, but....

Please let my girl get well now.

Memory Flash

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Monday, April 23, 2007  

"I have 2 of those!!!!" I called out as I pointed to the beautiful little white one, I was pumping gas, but I was so excited to see another that looked so much like my little girl, such a rare thing. I gave the girl and her boyfriend my number and told her to call me, we should hang out, and then they left. I watched them walk away, I watched the little one mostly. She looked so much like mine it had startled me at first glance.

The girl actually called a few days later, to my surprise and excitement. My boyfriend and I took my two over to her house to play, while we talked to the girl and her boyfriend. They played together once, the three of them. My girl got jealous when my boy played with the other girl, the one that looked so much like herself. She snapped at the other, caught a bit of skin, causing her face to bleed a bit. My new friend gracefully and calmly quieted the situation, I felt so bad. My new friend reassured me that all was well...Please come back, everything is fine, we aren't mad. And she meant it. So I did, I went back, and we became very good friends, the girl I met at 7-11 and I.

Sometime around the New Year of 2007 I was petting her and rubbing her, the other white one, telling her how pretty she was and that she was such a good girl. It was so easy to grow attached to her, with her loving personality and such a physical similarity to my own. She was like a member of our family to me. As I was looking in her big, beautiful dark eyes, with my fingers running through the unbelievably soft white of her neck, all I could think was, how could she never lose her baby softness, this little girl of 8 and a half, and what a remarkable resemblance she bore to my own snowy little girl. If you weren't paying attention, you could almost easily mistake them for each other, even I did a double take of them more than once. Very special this was to me, to be so fortunate as to experience a most beautiful nearly matching set, in a reality determined to make such beauty extinct.

I looked into her huge dark eyes and ran my hands upwards and under her jaw, smiling at her and drifting along in my happiness, enjoying my visit. Her mom was in the kitchen preoccupied with something for a few moments, it was just me and her. "You're so pretty!" I always talked to her, just like I talk to mine. Smiling and rubbing, I rubbed her under the chin and my body went cold. A large lump on either side. Ice in my stomach, I gently felt them. She showed no indication of discomfort at all, but I was uncomfortable.

I looked up at my friend in the kitchen, still preoccupied. I can't tell her....I can't tell her. I looked back into the little girl's eyes. And I told her "Wow, Princess! You're such a big girl! Your neck is much bigger than my doggies' necks! You're so good!!" I knew my friend could hear.

A few days later, maybe 5 days, at night, the phone rang. It was my friend. She sounded heartbroken. It was stage 3 lymphoma. There are only 5 stages.

Raw food, real bones, so many suppliments and prednisone. Lots of love and rest, rest, rest. The lumps come, the lumps go, more symptoms, less symptoms. Accupuncture, Reiki, Holistic Vet. Months go by. An emotional roller coaster.

Tuesday morning, April 17th. 9:45. The phone rings. Will you come please, I don't want to be alone. Yes, of course.

I petted her and petted her, told her what a good girl she was, and how pretty she was. She looked up at me, lifted her head. Laid her face in my hand. I cried silently, I couldn't look at my friend. She was crying, heartbroken, didn't know what to do with herself. I didn't know what to do, I just didn't know, so I petted the little girl that looked so much like my little girl. I just kept petting.

The lady came. It was so peaceful and quick, and I am so glad, glad for my friend, and glad for the little white one. Glad for my friend's boyfriend and glad for me. My poor friend. It was over. But she's still everywhere.



***This affected me so deeply, everyday this runs through my mind. Our memories run through my mind, these bits and pieces. This little girl touched my life in such a special way, not to mention my friend's and all the others who love her. Thank you Princess. White Boxers Forever <3

The Reality: Love What You've Got Today

ORIGINALLY POSTED:   Tuesday, April 17, 2007      

Today is a challenge. I fought the clock nearly all night long, even now I try to pull the blinds more tightly shut, maybe if I can keep the light out...Maybe if the sun can't get in...Maybe if I just squeeze my eyes shut as tightly as I can and lie very still...Maybe time will stop. I won't have  to see my friend's heart broken. Maybe 10:00 won't come. Please don't let 10:00 come.

I wish that day months ago could just be erased. It seems like yesterday, there is never enough time. But it has been much longer than anyone expected, so much longer. Still...It's so hard to see my friend hurting, frightened and uncertain. All this time we knew it was coming, but how do you prepare? How do you accept something so life changing gracefully? How can I help her through this, it feels like the end of the world to her.

In one more hour one of my dearest friends will say goodbye to her little girl. They will come and put her to sleep, and then take her away, and that will be the end of her fight, poor little girl. She was so strong and made it so much longer than anyone imagined. I wonder if she fought so hard because she didn't want to leave my friend, a special kind of loyalty, true love.

My friend, I'm so proud of her, was strong through all this, she has done everything so selflessly, I admire her for her ability to put her girl's comfortability and best interests before her own needs. She has done her best to make everyday the best day, even when she felt like her world was crashing down. She tried so hard to never let her girl see her breaking. I wonder if I could be as strong as she has been, it hits so close to home and I feel for her so deeply that it makes me doubt that I could. But today...Today I have to be strong for my friend, I have to be there for her, that is what today is for.

Love what you've got today. Days go by and things are usual and comfortable, we grow accustomed to this and take the most special parts of our lives for granted. Because the most special things are almost always the things that are always there, the things we love, that love us. I have found through all of this that I am guilty. I have often taken advantage of the comfort that my most cherished things will be there when I get home, and the days will continue to slip by just as they have. It's a dangerous mistake. There may always be tomorrow...But, if there isn't, yesterday is gone too. I don't want to let the days slip by anymore.

In 45 minutes a little white angel will get her wings. She has always been an angel, my friend's guardian angel, and soon she will be just that in the truest sense. My friend wondered, "Will she come visit me in my dreams?" Of course. I know that she will never leave, she will always be right by my friend's side, bouncing along on a leash of love. True love never dies. 

This blog is dedicated to Princess, without her, I would have never met a truly wonderful and inspiring friend, someone I admire and care for deeply. Love Always. <3<3<3

 
 

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