Do You REALLY Mean Everything You Say?

He said, "Let me ask you a question..Do you really mean everything you say?"

*Neutral posture, no body language, emotionless gaze.*

((Where did that question come from, and why can't I "hear" what he's really asking me?))

"Well, with the exception of when I'm "talking shit," which is completely obvious....Yes..I believe I do..Why? Is there a reason you're asking me this?"

"Well, it's just something you said earlier..About how you may feel THIS way about something today....But tomorrow, you may feel completely different.."

((Ahhhh...!))

*Smile*

((I love it when people really listen to what I'm saying..And how nice to have my most recent epiphany addressed..))

**Nod acknowledging the question while processing the answer**

"Yes..It's true! As hypocritical as that may look in this moment, I have come to a deeper understanding of "Beliefs" recently. I'm able to see now that how I feel about anything, and what I believe about anything, is determined by what I have learned about it. So it is not reasonable to refuse to re-examine my beliefs when new information is introduced to me, THAT would not be living authentically."

*Breathe*

**Inventory what I've said..And what I still need to convey**

((I'm doing it! This is making sense!))

"It does not mean that what I think/feel TODAY is wrong, because it isn't, it's just what is true for me IN THIS MOMENT. BUT I am learning new things, all day everyday. So many things I've always thought I deeply understood often look different now, because I'm open to accepting new information about these very important beliefs. I have recently noticed a shift in how I feel about my beliefs and being open to making adjustments, even when it's uncomfortable or hard." 

((Here it is...I'm actually gonna get it all out!))

"In my opinion, the privilege to change our minds whenever we want to is one of the greatest gifts of being human. And the biggest hypocrisy would be to not allow myself to evolve by shutting things out that could shift my beliefs, which would be a huge insult to myself and the people around me, it would not be mindful, it would not be conscious. It would be judgmental, it would be self sabotage, it would definitely be failure. It is our right and responsibility as humans to lead as full an existence as possible, and to accomplish that, nothing can be overlooked or ignored."

*Breathe*

((That wasn't so bad...I think I did it!))

"....You've changed....So much about you is different, you've really changed."

*Neutral posture, no body language, emotionless gaze* 

((Why can't I "hear" what he's really telling me?))

*Breathe, create space, stop trying to judge his words*

"Not just your appearance, something deep about you has changed.."

 ((As good as truly being listened to right now feels, this is getting uncomfortable, he's known me for years and I feel like I'm under his magnifying glass..Well, I meant all of what I said, so it is what it is. It will be ok, I'm being authentic. That's the best I can do. It's ok!))

"You've definitely changed, and only in a GOOD way."

*Nod*

*Breathe....*

((WHEW!!!))

*Smile*

"Thank you...."

In Due Time

I know that thinking about the future (or the past, for that matter) too much prevents me from being present RIGHT NOW, which, in reality, is all that really matters. In MY personal opinion, at least. Because I know the past is gone, and the "future" may never come, and who knows what will happen from one second to the next..But knowledge doesn't make me anything greater than human, I live a very human existence. Obviously.

So, sometimes I think about the future. And the past too of course, but that is another story, for a future blog. Or 13,013 future blogs, perhaps!  ヅ  God knows I could go on forever about the past, who couldn't, right? Anyways.....This blog is about the future, and my feelings about MY future. Relationship wise, where I want to be, the potential of parenting, these ideas inspire this blog, and what I am experiencing.

Remarkable, isn't it, that I recently came to the conclusion that setting goals is, YES, a good thing, a GREAT thing...But at the same time, getting into the details in goal setting isn't so good. Because that's how we develop expectations, and expectations, I am learning, are what cause disappointment. Yes, it's true. Painfully obvious, but incredibly difficult to avoid. Again, it's part of the human existence.

Lately, when I get caught up in the great bear trap of my mind, the notion of the future and how I want things to be, and my thoughts carry on just a little longer than they should and my mental picture of my future grows less fuzzy and more specific..I'm left with something new. Instead of continuing on in my daydream, if you will, something else is happening.

The internal chatter ceases, my soul's buzz halts. All that normally fills me vanishes, leaving me so full of empty that it seems there isn't even room for comfort. Instead, I'm experiencing feelings of uncertainty, loneliness, a feeling that life is passing me by and an urgency that goes unanswered. Because I simply don't have the solution yet. It's something that comes with time.

I know that I could have someone to keep me warm at night. It could be someone different every night, if so desired. And there have been times in my life when it didn't matter, as long as someone was there. Any port in the storm, as they say. But it matters now. It REALLY fucking matters. Love, connection, chemistry, attraction, passion, trust, safety, inspiration..Suddenly, ALL of these things matter to me.

I know, I know, in due time. And honestly, I'm not even looking anymore. Not only do I realize I have work to do and intend on honoring myself by doing this work, I already know where I belong. It's something I just know, like a person just knows how to breathe. My past and my future are so intertwined, with the exception of my addiction, it's all very easy to see. Moreover, I feel it in my soul. I KNOW it in my spirit.

In due time. On a lighter note, like my mom says, I always get what I want..Soooo..In due time. 

13

Thirteen years ago today, my grampa died. He had cancer, I'll never forget. I lived with him, and my gramma at the time, in the home where they raised their family, in my hometown. I didn't have a relationship with either of my parents at the time, I was a senior in high school, ready to graduate in a month. I was a full blown addict by this time. 

I will never forget what happened that morning. I will never forget the look on my gramma's face. I will never forget feeling like I let time slip away, like I didn't take the time to say my goodbyes, like I could have been there with him more. 

I will also never forget that he was my hero, he loved me and was gentle with me, his stories or the things he loved. The way his shop smelled and the ham radio he built from bits with his own hands. I will never forget his laugh, his eyes, his jokes. Or the way he was respected and admired. He was a good man. Truly.

I could go on forever but what I really want to say is this....I am so glad to be honoring his life completely sober today. I can't remember ever spending this day 100% sober. It is painful, the memories are vivid, but goddammit, he deserves it and so do I. 

The last several years this day has often come and gone without me even noticing what day it was consciously. Because I was fucked up. Never again. I already called my gramma, dad and aunt today. Because it's a day of family, he held us together. Now, we have to hold each other. Because it's important.

I will never forget.

Thank You!

I have mad gratitude for everyone who's been reading my blog, my views have gone way up lately and that's awesome and encouraging!!!! Please, please, please subscribe and comment on my posts if you like what you see here or with any feedback at all! It really means a lot to me! And you don't even have to be a member of blogger to subscribe, anyone can follow me via Google Friend Connect, etc.....Once again, thank you! It really means a lot! XoXoX

One Wish

if i could have just 1 wish right now....i would wish for a snuggle
i want to be held now, right now. i need to be loved in this very moment,
i hate the early mornings of the day following a bad day...

could i snuggle in as close as possible, bury my self in your neck

wiggling and feeling around til i find the perfect spot

where the shape of your shoulder fits the curves of my face..

where i can't see anything, where nothing can see me,

but i can still breathe through my nose.....

can i wrap my feet around your legs, flattening myself to your skin 

til a part of you is touching every single part of me

wrap some of your hair round my fingers a few times..

rub it's softness between the pads of my first and middle finger

i'd put my other hand on your chest so i could feel you breathe..

and your heartbeat..

would i finally find the safety and comfort i need, i so desperately want

in this space..this love space

could i finally just feel loved and let go of all my judgment

and experience what i just KNOW exists..i believe it's out there 

something bigger than life, and i want it..to truly love and be loved 

to truly believe and feel it

Someday?

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Thursday, September 10, 2009 

Is there such a thing as closure, really, when there is deep pain that seems impossible to heal? Is there such a thing as closure when there is more than 1 party involved, and only 1 person is really trying to let go? When you have a deep connection with someone, someone whom you dream about, and in your dreams you see them as they are now, not how they looked when you last saw them....How do we know these things?! does that connection ever let you rest, does it ever lessen, does it ever go away when it's unhealthy? How do we disconnect from these connections?

I hope I know someday. Because today I don't know, and it eats me up, I don't know how to process this.

A story.....I had a dream last week that my ex-boyfriend/lover/soulmate/partner/best friend/EVERYTHING is here in San Diego. Not that we talked, just that he is here, in my dream, I saw him from a ways away, and he didn't see me. I found out the next day that he is, in fact, in town for the first time since April, and I have not seen him since December. He moved to Portland. He is the last person on my unfinished business list. He's always held onto me saying "Forever is a long time, we'll be together again SOMEDAY." It's made me feel as though I am bound to him in some way. The last time he was in town, I knew before he called. I felt as though he was sitting next to me, like a ghost by my side, for 4 days. I would hear his voice in my mind, and look over but no one would be there. It tormented me. So when he called it was no surprise.

To bring it back to present.....3 nights ago I had another dream that I was face to face with him, talking. And in my dream the most vivid thing was that he had short hair and was clean shaven. Like when we first met. When I saw him last, in December, he had long hair and a beard. And when he called in April, he told me he still had that. But when I ran into him a few days ago, the day after my dream, I wasn't surprised to see him with short hair and clean shaven.

Why do I know these things! Why is he still so present in my life! Why can't I simply disconnect? Why do I feel as though it needs to come from both sides?! After this meeting, I feel so conflicted. He says one thing but I feel another, and I don't know why. He says he's finally willing to let me go, but I don't feel as though the connection has been severed. All that keeps repeating in my mind and heart is SOMEDAY! Maybe SOMEDAY it'll be clear, it'll feel better! Practice patience! Be compassionate with myself! Believe in myself! But my heart hurts, and something I wrote for him so long ago keeps playing in my mind.....

"On this most recent full moon, the 9th of May 2009, a bright Saturday night, I gave up all that binds me, which I always called mine, that was never truly my own, gave it away, free to go, finally, anywhere it belongs. I've committed to the spiritual as opposed to the physical, the future instead of the past, bound mindfully to the present. There is no such thing as forever, I AM today, and in this moment, the only thing that's real, I'm present. I am HERE. I am ALIVE. I'm never looking back, only moving forward. Floating away, wherever my energy takes me. I'm committed. I believe."

But it's hard to believe when it feels like I want to achieve this thing, I've tried to achieve this thing, I've tried to let it go, I've written that I've let it go, I meant to let it go, but it never goes..HE never goes despite what he says..He ALWAYS comes back, whether spiritually or physically and he knows it...So, someday? SOMEDAY?! Fuck someday, what about ME....TODAY?

[Always have, always will. I'm Just Jamie.]

Howling at the Full Moon

ORIGINAL POST:   Thursday, May 14, 2009

A friend told me, just when I needed to hear it, needed to hear SOMETHING, anything, as long as it was real, that the full moon brings closure. And with the new moon comes new beginnings. Simply stated, thoughtfully related, desperately needed...I was ready, AM ready, steady, GO! Just let it go, give it away, it's not mine to keep, not my responsibility, karma will dictate accountability....But it's not on me, not anymore. It was never mine, I held it close simply to hold onto SOMETHING. But I don't want something, don't need SOMETHING, I deserve everything. So I let go of that which was never mine to begin with, but was the security I created for myself, to validate my pain, to keep a grip on hope, to hold myself down...I'm just like a balloon.........

On this most recent full moon, the 9th of May 2009, a bright Saturday night, I gave up all that binds me, which I always called mine, that was never truly my own, gave it away, free to go, finally, anywhere it belongs. I've committed to the spiritual as opposed to the physical, the future instead of the past, bound mindfully to the present. There is no such thing as forever, I AM today, and in this moment, the only thing that's real, I'm present. I am HERE. I am ALIVE. I'm never looking back, only moving forward. Floating away, wherever my energy takes me. I'm commited. I believe.

A friend told me that the full moon brings closure, as the full moon was shining brightly, visible from the window we were watching the world through. A world that now looks different, inviting, washed clean..Pure in the perfect illumination of the big moon. And finally, for the first time, my attempt at self initiated closure was successful....A breakthrough. A relief. A victory. A landmark....A sign of change, evolution.

And with the new moon comes new beginnings.....

I BELIEVE

No Space to Blog

ORIGINALLY POSTED:    Saturday, September 06, 2008
  

It's been some time since I've blogged, I know. So long that it's being brought to my attention, and when asked why, all I can say is that I'm in No Space to Blog. Yes, it's true, but as shocking as it may be, this woman who's usually overflowing with thoughts formed into neat little sentence buckets has suffered a drought. With the lack of inspirational clouds, there has been no rain drop words, and the proverbial well has been dipping dry. Man, this land is becoming baron......And I'm so thirsty.

Very late one night (or quite early in the morning, depending on perception, not definition) there was a very brief shower, just a teaser really, so I hadn't made the time to blog it, since the drought continued like nothing had happened. But tonight.....This night I'm praying for more, doing a rain dance begging for relief. So, as an offering to the sky of insight, I put this out there and hope for change.


Took a pre-dawn cruise searchin' 4 peace within. Scenery blew past as though without a care and before long i rolled to a stop.

A glance over my right shoulder, a house. A dark, lonely house. YOUR house. A full driveway but still lonely. Although I miss u so...I was weak. I drove away & reached the safety of home just in time.....

Inside I quickly duck, to escape the sun's rays on my cheeks, from my tears twisting the rays of light into brilliant prisms and blinding me. For seein' things as they truly are must be the most painful form of relief.

Chivalry is Fucking Dead

ORIGINALLY POSTED:   Monday, June 30, 2008
   

Yeah, you heard me. Ms. Believe in the Goodness of Humanity Until She's Practically Suffocated by the Stench of the Rotten-ness of Society....Hating Sobriety.....Spewing Profanity.....Fucking Emotional Calamity.....Mental Sterility.....Reasoning Incapability.....Toes Curled Over the Sheer Cliff-Edge of Sanity....Or (I don't recall any longer) is it Insanity...... Goddamit Injinji.......Spiritual Catastrophe......How Many Times can one Claim Emotional Bankruptcy?.....No Comfort Even Within Adversity.....Diversity.......Creativity...... Individuality.....Or My Own Usual Perversity....Self Inflicted Brutality......I FUCKING HATE this City....America's Finest Pity....I've Forgotten the Meaning of the Word Anonymity.....Question My Own Mortality Versus Everyone Elses' Fatality... Here I am Becoming, Once Again, My Own Worst Adversary.....Pop My Schizophrenia Cherry....Bring out the Clowns Toting Contagious Deadly Anxiety.... MotherFucking Normalcy....THERE'S NO SUCH THING, YOU ASSHOLE POSER WANNABES....Drinkin Wine, Every Night, Getting Shitty.....FUCK YOU CLARITY!!!! Nothing Better to do to Entertain Me....I've Learned to Let Myself Be.....Free.....Now to Teach Myself to See....And Never Forget, JmeLee.....There's no me in we.....And no we in me.......A Dead Institution, to Marry....Sometimes These Ideas Grow Scary.....But It's Not Your Destiny....Is There Such a Thing as True Intimacy?....Reliability, Dependability, Integrity, Security, Responsibility, Accountability, Trustworthy.....Comfortability....How About Stone Cold Honesty.....Through the Smoke and Mirrors it's so Hard to See....Fuck This Paranoia Conspiracy......I'm manifesting a new theory....Search for Something More in Reality.....Stop being so Goddamn Flighty....Come Down a Few Peaks Dear Cappy.....Just TRY a Little Harder to be Happy....Let go of the Tunnel Vision Mentality.....Or You'll Lose Site of the Trophy....The Only Things I've Left to do, Consciously.....Fight When They Come to Change Me......Harness it When it Comes, the Energy......Live out My Meaning All My Life, Fulfill My Prophecy.....Embrace When It Comes, the Misery.....Weather the Storm When It Hits, However Lonely....Snuggle When It Comes, What Makes Me Happy.....Love Only When He Loves, My Destiny.....Fuck Until it Hurts, Whenever it Inspires, the Ecstasy.....Revel When I Can in the Fantasy...Strength in my Convictions When They Try to Break Me....Believe in Who I am When They Judge Me Unjustly......Maintain Passion in My Soul When They Scorn Me Spiritually....Always Remain Unjaded, Don't Succumb to the Negativity. But never, ever, ever Believe...Because It's not Fucking Reality....No One is Selfless or Wants to be......It's Dead, It really is, Chivalry.

What is chivalry? Depends on who you ask. Some say, usually guys, of course, that walking an elderly lady across the street is chivalrous. FINE! That's true I suppose, one definition of chivalry is "kindness toward women." Blah Blah Blah. In this day and age, I would love to hope that "kindness toward women," or ANYONE is just a common standard we have established in our society. Of course, that's bullshit. But I'm not in the mood to call anyone who employs common courtesy and respect, a minimal level of kindness and compassion, chivalrous. Try a little harder, although something tells me that if you don't get it already, you never will.

So, fuck the current common understanding of the definition of chivalry. Here's a little Word History for ya:

"The Age of Chivalry was also the age of the horse. Bedecked in elaborate armor and other trappings, horses were certainly well dressed, although they might have wished for lighter loads. That the horse should be featured so prominently during the Age of Chivalry is etymologically appropriate, because chivalry goes back to the Latin word caballus, "horse, especially a riding horse or packhorse." Borrowed from French, as were so many other important words having to do with medieval English culture, the English word chivalry is first recorded in works composed around the beginning of the 14th century and is found in several senses, including "a body of armored mounted warriors serving a lord" and "knighthood as a ceremonially conferred rank in the social system." Our modern sense, "the medieval system of knighthood," could not exist until the passage of several centuries had allowed the perspective for such a conceptualization, with this sense being recorded first in 1765."

Hmmmmmm....Neato. In Chinese Astrology I am a horse. And in Western Astrology I am a Capricorn.....A goat. Seems to me that in the development of this word, it traditionally had more to do with hard work than the proper behavior and good manners of folks.

"The concept of chivalry in the sense of "honourable and courteous conduct expected of a knight" was perhaps at its height in the 12th and 13th centuries and was strengthened by the Crusades, which led to the founding of the earliest orders of chivalry, the Order of the Hospital of St. John of Jerusalem (Hospitalers) and the Order of the Poor Knights of Christ and of the Temple of Solomon (Templars), both originally devoted to the service of pilgrims to the Holy Land. In the 14th and 15th centuries the ideals of chivalry came to be associated increasingly with aristocratic display and public ceremony rather than service in the field."

And blah blah blah. So anyway....None of this matters. I just find it interesting, the evolution of a word and it's effect on behavior. Or lack there of...Or, to the point.....The evolution of humans and our willfulness to do something, pretty much anything only until it's good enough. Only until we achieve the desired effect, "It's good enough for now." We'll take the immediate gratification, and when that runs out, if we're not bored with it yet, we'll see if we can figure out a way to squeeze a little bit more out, and a little bit more, and a little bit more, until it's either too much of a hassle to deal with anymore, or it's just plain exhausted or broken beyond any recoverability.

This is why chivalry is dead. In romance, in business, in friendship, in life. For example. In a relationship, in the beginning, the partners do little things for each other. Little things that are simply thoughtful and pleasant. Unnecessary things, but the action is what counts, the thought is what matters, making sure they know you are concerned with their happiness, comfort, with THEM! This is chivalry.

So, after a while, the "honeymoon" phase wears off, and the comfort zone is established. And somehow, people forget. They grow complacent in their chivalrous efforts, after all, they have what they want, they've grown into the comfort zone beyond the realm of "The Little Things." Who needs the little things when all the bigger things have started coming together? "This stuff doesn't matter anymore! We're waaaaaay beyond this! We're interacting daily. That should be enough for you to be satisfied!"

I'll say this. I've been on both ends of this situation. In many different instances, both personal and professional. And each time, I NEEDED the little things. When I was the one that found myself trying to pick up the pieces, I needed the little things to remind the other party of the reasons we nurtured a relationship to begin with, to reel them back in again, hook line and sinker, right? And when I was the one drifting away, I needed the little things for the same reason. To remember why I swallowed it, hook line and sinker. And here's my insight, for the moment, on the little things.

A relationship is like a car. There's always going to be a need for servicing, and even with the most well maintained vehicle, more than likely, eventually, there will be a need for repair. If you're constantly mindful of the responsibility of owning a vehicle, chances are you're considerate of how vital proper maintenance is, and your repairs are going to be far less dramatic than if you just constantly do what's "good enough for now." But when you start neglecting that regular maintenance, bigger problems start to arise, it becomes more costly and time consuming, and harder to recover that reliability. And at that point, you probably just try to do what you can to make the car last as long as possible, but you've given up on making it right. It's too far gone.

Just like in a relationship. Do what you have to do to get by for now, tell yourself some bullshit that it's gonna get better even though you know inevitably with is coming, and forget the hard work of repairing what's really broken. As long as you get through today, and hopefully you'll get through the rest of the days until you've gotten all you want, or until you're comfortable with the change, then that's "Good enough."

Fuck that.

Chivalry IS DEAD.

They Say I Give REALLY GOOD....

ORIGINALLY POSTED:   Saturday, June 21, 2008
   

They say I give REALLY GOOD gifts. Thoughtful, special birthday presents, the kind that leave a person wide eyed and wondering just where did I come from...And with not a lot more to say than "Thank you..." accompanied by a tight, passionate hug, the kind that makes me feel so much closer to where I want to be, again, just the kind I was looking for. And this was way more than I needed in order to know I was appreciated and adored, in that moment, because it was all in the eyes. Everything I wanted to hear, came from your soul, loud and clear.

They say I give REALLY GOOD advice, I'm a talented problem solver. A knack for attention to detail and less conventional but just as logical simple solutions to complex problems. A gift to be able to look inside the box just as much as outside the circle, and the ability to maintain simple innocence in the dream that a square peg really will fit into a round hole if you just try hard enough and never give up. Everything is subject to our own perception, nothing is ever as it initially seems, time grows comfort and familiarity, planting seeds of devotion.

They say I give REALLY GOOD love....I always put it all out there, it's all or nothing with me. I have no time to waste in matters of the heart, there's never enough love in the world, to me, or so many days in this life that time should be spent only taking all I can get, or just giving all I have...Or even sitting on the fencepost watching the world go by. I wear my heart on the outside...If I find myself growing complacent in my responsibility to myself, not to mention humanity, only one thing will result. I'll run away, in my determination I've grown flighty.

They say I give REALLY GOOD support, I always want to lend a hand, help out, whatever it takes to help maintain the focus just where it should be. Let ME get more wine for you, anyone else need some? Want some of my snack? Let me light that for you...Are you hungry? ...Apples? You want some apples? Sure I can get the bongos for ya, want a Number 9 while you're waiting? I'll wrap those, let me show you how...And I love doing it, miss it when I don't. They're nothing necessary, my efforts, rather like a bandaid covering a minor cut, but the appreciation was always there, none the less, and I always felt a part of it all. Bandaids never last long , temporary things that they are, but they always leave behind a lingering reminder, like sticky, gooey tar.

They say I give REALLY GOOD time. Memories that last an entire life. Some stories to be told for generations to come, some spoken of only in time spent just between us. And it's a blessing to have spread those seeds along the way, a charmed existence to leave behind a trail of wild flowers to mark my journey on this pilgrimage, but it's not enough. It's time to choose a plot, finally get dirt beneath my fingernails as I claim my place, sunburn my shoulders as we nurture our garden, love the rain in our faces as we're wrapped around each other with no where better to be, and no longing in our heart for something else, because for you and I it'll no longer be just about our "me"s. There will be nothing left but everything, and we.

This is where I'm going. This is where I want to be. I feel you watching, thinking. Come with me, please?

Starting Over {Complete honesty with yourself is the way to get what you really want and need.}

FIRST POSTED:  Wednesday, April 23, 2008  

Note:This is an ongoing blog story, a journey of a girl searching for love.

Time goes on, the smoke from the burning bridges has mostly cleared, the rain has come and extinguished the fire of emotions. Enough restless days and lonely, sleepless nights have gone by, and over time, the realization that what's been done is the right thing finally settled in a bit. It's a sad, hard reality, but no matter how much I loved him, OR we loved each other, neither of us were happy, it's better this way. The aching inside was nearly suffocating, the memories endlessly daunting, the failure has been hard to swallow, but it's better this way, it's better this way. And the more time passed, the easier the days became, and I've moved on. The truest form of love, I suppose, is doing what's best when it feels the worst. And this certainly DID feel the worst, but I've moved on. It IS best this way.

Mostly forgotten personal values begin to creep back from the spiderwebs of my mind...Self confidence from the understanding that this was the correct decision, independence since there is no one else to consider first, the serenity that grows as stress lessens.....Relief. The relief that it's over, and a certainty that none of this will be my concern forever, my hope that perhaps it won't be much longer, final closure is within my grasp, my soul's full recovery is imminent. My heart's freedom has been regained...And thankfully there is little left to do in order to put all of this behind me, completely. I'm all on my own, all on my own.

It's long past time for MY time, but it's never too late, no matter how far overdue. Introspect is a dear old friend of mine, that it was dismissed for so long is quite a shame. I've welcomed it like a long lost friend I have missed tremendously, this opportunity for true reflection. So many questions, things to consider. How did we go so painfully wrong? What could I have done to better accommodate the needs of our relationship? Was I giving too much or was it not enough? How much truth is there in the things he said that hurt the most? They wouldn't have stung so badly if there weren't some truth to them. What can I learn from him/us/this and how can I evolve and become better? I don't want to go through anything like this ever EVER again, I am determined to take as much as I can from this experience, understand it, and apply it to myself. I want to give myself every chance to be successful in life....And love. Everyday, just a little better.

Moreover...How can I make myself stronger, and learn to avoid the same mistakes? What do I want in life? What do I truly truly need? How can I achieve my goals? I want to live my dream.

Reality has suddenly become very clear. There is one thing that bothers me most from all of this. I can learn from the mistakes I believe I've made, I can grow, and I have. Time will mend my wounds, I'm still a whole person, I was never less. I can recover the confidence that was somehow lost along the way, and never again will I lose it. I'm beginning to believe in myself and my dreams again, I know that I'm not asking too much, it's a matter of patience and diligence. I'm confident about all of this.

But one thing I really want is to love......and to be loved. I'm actually convinced that this is something I NEED, but not in an unhealthy way, not right this second, and definitely not if it isn't fulfilling to me as well as the other person. I've simply realized I do want to find that one person, THE one person I could spend my life with. Share life with. Build a life with. Finally I'm ready to work on settling down, find happiness in love, be comfortable. I don't want to spend my life alone. No one should be alone. Happiness, love comfort.

Funny thing to note here.....To me, it's just one more indication that your energy opens doors for you when you truly realize and embrace your deepest feelings. I started writing this blog a while back. I originally titled it "Starting Over (Why I Hate the Thought of Dating)" and kept it personal for some reason, I guess I knew somehow I wasn't quite finished writing it yet. And perhaps I still am not, as I am writing now the third update in this saga. But, since admitting not only in writing, but consciously to myself, as well, how I truly feel about love and what I'm honestly looking for, a few things have happened that make me believe even more that everything happens for a reason, and we all end up EXACTLY where we are suppose to be, eventually.

After posting the initial diary entry of this blog story, I met someone, dated them a few times. They gave me a great place to have my birthday party, and they tried really hard to keep me...But it wasn't meant to be. The energy of the universe was determined for all the little discrepancies and non-truths to be out in the open, for me not to ignore the signs. It was too bad. But it was a great stepping stone emotionally for me, staying true to myself even when someone else is doing their best to be convincing in their intentions. It didn't feel right, and I wasn't giving in.

And then I met someone else....Someone that I have a LOT in common with....Someone fun and super cute and interesting....And the fire burned at about a million degrees.....for about a few weeks. LOL! I guess that's the way it goes sometimes. The easy way out with that was that the boy's phone got broken...And apparently he doesn't email, haha, so I didn't hear from him for almost 2 weeks. So by the time he came around to getting a new phone and messaging me to hang out, it was easy to cut the ties. I was already displaced from the comfort of the situation.

I had a date with another boy, a first date, with someone I'd never met in real life. He made the decision to cancel on me the day of our plans......

And thank god. Because that was when the universe smacked me with something I was beginning to doubt was real. He didn't just walk into my life and say "Here I am." He was already there, for something like a year, in the background, chasing and waiting. Quietly. And I knew it, but wasn't sure either of us was ready. Because he is different...Like I am different. But cosmically the energy of the universes of 2 people finally aligned, ready or not. Here we come.

He is someone outspoken about his own desires in life and love, and what he's been looking for in the girl he wants to experience these things with. I've looked for the same things in my search for my guy. To me, it's the strange things like this - being with someone that recites almost exactly my values and desires as his own, without even knowing these things about me - that are the biggest things, the stuff that matters most.

I feel so fortunate. Simply to finally walk next to someone that can put a smile on my face with such ease, someone that arrived just when I needed a little reminder that humanity is not all so bad, so I should not lose all faith. Someone happy to have just me, as happy as I am to have just them. It's reciprocal, this new relationship, in everything we've experienced so far. Maybe, just maybe.... We'll see. It's easy to not rush, when there's a mutual comfort and understanding that needs not be spoken. And it's easy to take things as they come, and not worry about the proper time line when you just feel each other. Timing is everything. And what will be will be.

And what will be......Determines what won't be, as well. I believe in acceptance, having an open mind, compromising when it's appropriate, when it's reciprocal....But I don't believe that people should compromise their integrity. Their key ideals, their deepest beliefs. And on the same note, I don't think that others should disrespect or discredit these things about their mates.

The last time, for the first time, starting over was just what I wanted to do. I welcomed my new love, I'd been waiting for him...It's true. An incredible person, wonderful and amazing, intelligent, driven, headstrong and inspiring. There's nothing wrong with him....It's just that we are too different. His ideals and what drives him are opposite my own. To the point that compromising about it would mean adjusting my own standards and beliefs, in a deep and emotional way. In a way I am not willing to redirect them. I would have to accept things that hurt or frighten me in the deepest part of my soul, things I have never been able to adjust myself to. So that is that. And it is what it is. We are still friends. Which is just where we started. I can deal with that.

I'm a true romantic at heart. I have been looking for the person that's as crazy about me as I am about them, the person that IT just happens with effortlessly, but that realizes how much effort it takes to build an empire. Someone with the same values as me, that will allow me to make them the most important person in my life and award me the same. Someone loyal and kind, honest, considerate, some one to walk next to. Someone that's proud of me and supportive, encouraging and that will share my triumphs as well as my shortcomings. And allow me to share in their's. Don't think for a second I'm asking for anything I'm not willing and happy to give in return. Equality in love.

Who knows what the future will bring. There is so much to do. So many things to say. But for the moment, I'm going to let this one ride, and see where it takes me. Who knows? Maybe I WILL end up keeping a promise and marrying DC when I turn 35, because maybe we'll both still be unmarried. But I doubt that. I KNOW my person, the person for me is near. I just know, because what I am asking for is not too much.

And I am worth it.

NiteLite

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Is it dark in your closet

Do you keep the door closed tight

Lean on it with your shoulder while you lock it

Are you afraid something might

Slip out of the darkness

exposing, Spilling, you onto the floor

or are you concerned that when you're least expecting

someone might open the door

The door to your closet...

The place where you hide.

Where you are all alone.

In all your depth and true desire, the things you keep inside.

The deepest rooted shadows

all the things you can't outwardly be

The things you aren't allowed

to let anyone see

What's in there lurking in the dark

So black as moonless night

if i felt your raw bare soul

would I tremble with fright?

Crawl to your closet on my knees

Press my face to the floor

This doesn't scare me

Peer through the crack under the door

In the stillness, senses heightened

I hear you thinking, wondering,

can she feel it

i'm enlightened

Your mind is rolling

She'll run away, afraid of this dark

She'll never look back

the click of heels is how this time will be marked

No, no, no, my love....I won't flee

To Revel in your darkest secrets

let you see me

bask in the deepest of you

all the unsaid, already known, it's just right

It doesn't have to be dark anymore, it's true

For I, I am your NiteLite.

Letting Go

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Friday, December 07, 2007 

I try to do the things I use to do
But still I find I'm only looking 'round for you
The people you use to work with at your old bar
I can tell they're wonderin' just where you are
Maybe you'll walk right through that door
Just the thing we've all been looking for

But you don't….And that's good

Because where would I run, where would I hide
I couldn't stand to look into your eyes

I lay awake, alone at night
I squeeze my eyes shut and hope that I just might
Finally drift off to sleep and sometimes I do
But you're haunting me, I dream of you
Maybe one time I'll wake up and you'll really be here
Holding me tight, I feel your heartbeat, you're so near

But I don't…..And I cry

Because thinking of you and the good times we had
I wonder what happened, it's driving me mad

I put away all the photos and reminders of us
I gently hide them away, deep down I feel I must
Preserve the precious memories that we made
How special it once was, I never want that to fade
I wish I could stand to leave it out all along
This time around I'm just not that strong

So I don't…..And I'm weak

Because my heart's broken, my soul is bruised
Realizing the dreams I had for us will never come true

Someday down the road I know I'll see you again
I really do miss you, you were my very best friend
I wonder what will happen when that time arrives
Will I be strong, or will I run and hide
I want to call you, hear your voice even over the phone
Together make it work, without you I'm so alone

But we don't…..I wish we could

Because all my life I truly never knew
Anyone capable of making me feel the way you use to

So thank you for all that you've given me
I believe in you, I know you'll become everything you've wanted to be
I hope that every now and then, you'll stop and think of me
And remember how much I love you, happily
You'll never know just how much you've changed me
I sometimes wish I could just let it go, be free

But I won't…...I just can't

Because when you're in love that's the hardest part
Letting go of a broken heart

Broken Heart Shaped World, The Emotional Bankruptcy of a Girl

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Monday, March 19, 2007 

No, I don't feel sorry for myself. Not at all. I am not angry, regretful, bitter, resentful...No, none of these. I do not wish harm or unhappiness to you, as I think of you, I focus no negativity, I feel no hate, I have no ill will, I am not spiteful...Ahhhhh, I could spend days listing all the things I am not, maybe to convince you, perhaps some would say to reassure myself, whatever the perception may be....But, regardless of the intent, I don't think it's working. It's not working. So, a new approach. Here is what I AM.

I am adrift, at sea and alone. I am searching for solace, in my most reliable source I find none. I long to retreat, hide in myself, but my most cherished comfort is gone. I can't, I can't, I can't...Live in a broken heart shaped world, all on my own.....For the first time in my life, I can't stand to be just me, all by myself...just Jamie. Without you, I am alone. More than alone.

Something happened with you, something different. You inspired me so, you impressed me more than I ever imagined anyone could. More than anything, you gave to me. Encouragement, you were my muse...You planted seeds...Fractions of ideas, you triggered my interest, then you let me run with them, just to watch them grow. You watched me grow. You made me feel as though.....You were proud.....Like I was proud.

But most of all, you gave me understanding. Something altogether new to me. For the first time, I felt as though I really wasn't meant to walk this earth alone. The things about me that make me different...You showed me we had these things in common. The things that made me distance myself from others, you embraced. So openly, so eagerly....So it was easy for me, so easy...To give you me. Just me, completely, with no return receipt. I gave you my heart shaped world.

So often I felt like you wanted to be there, live there with me, I have thought that this happened for a good reason, everything happens for a reason...I believed it was my time. You found me...You looked at me with adoring eyes, said all the endearing things...Things I only dreamed of. And always wondered if they were real. You stole my heart. Even after I told you about me, all about me. Please be careful, please I asked...Maybe still, even with all of that, maybe you just didn't realize the depth. How deeply my soul goes, how real I was. In a way, I tried to, well, warn you, I suppose. Maybe you just didn't see.

Of course....Yes, we both made mistakes. I gave so much, and expected the same in return. That is one way I went wrong. I realize now that I can't expect what I give to be what I receive. What I gave was a gift...I should have never expected the same in return. Of course you will only give to me what you want to give, I learned a painful yet valuable lesson. I can't expect anyone to be like me, we are all our own.

Yes, you said, take it slow. Slow. I heard you, every word you said, EVERY word. I guess I didn't realize the value of some things in relation to others. You said take it slow....But...You said so many other things, all the things I wanted, needed to hear. You swam in the deep blue sea of my emotions, you encouraged my reciprocal nature, you welcomed more, asked for more....And I gave it to you. I meant it, too, with all my heart, all my dedication, all my soul.

Actions and words in life are transactions, there are so many forms of currency. I must be careful to never "pay" more for anything than it is "worth", not in a literal "value" sense, but in a "what can I EXPECT in return" sense, or of course, I risk feeling taken advantage of. And that would be my fault alone. I must also be aware of the fact that every action and word is extended in the understanding of the giver....Not the perception I bestow upon it. So much can be lost in translation.

I gave myself to you so completely, and now.......Now that I am alone, I feel incomplete. Uncomfortable, misunderstood, uncertain, empty, alone.....Alone, not in my previous comfort zone of alone, but alone, as though I don't know where even I have gone. But I do. I am with you. I gave that part of me to you, and I don't think I will ever come back, it's where I feel I belong. This is my emotional bankruptcy.

I gave to you so much. Perhaps more than I had to give, certainly more than you were ready for. You meant so much to me, it was easy. I wanted to give you my world, you made it a heart shaped world, for the first time in my life. And I wanted to give it to you, share it, grow together, you and me, together.....And now, I can't take it back. I can't take me back. And now, I have nothing. Bankrupt.

The worst part...It's like repossession. I put so much into something, only to lose it. I lost you, us... me. Now....Now I have lost everything....And I am frightened by the idea that I will never get it back, I will never recover what I invested...But you took back what I was investing in, unfortunately, I can't take back what I invested.

You will never understand, or maybe you will, maybe you do...Perhaps you feel the same way, this is wrong...So wrong. How in the world could it be right, two people with so much in common, and such a connection...On such a personal level, so intimately, going separate ways. Never the less, here I am and there you are.

I realize I take everything so seriously, too seriously most people say. To me, it is serious. All the things I have experienced in life....Life is serious to me. We have all been through "Life" and we all become who we are as a result of our experiences. You always said the past predicts the future. I think....The past creates the present, and people create the future. I said, Things don't change....People change, and then change things. I know that I am who I am today because of the past. I will be who I become....Because of today...And yesterday, all the days.

Ultimately, hopefully, I will probably recover....But I will never be the same. And I will always, always, always feel an emptiness, where I once was, and where you were, too. I wonder if your energy will ever leave me, if you will leave my dreams, if all the strange coincidences that occur daily, time after time, will stop eventually. My soul is tormented, I wonder how to move on....When you are always here. Lonely. I miss you.