Howling at the Full Moon

ORIGINAL POST:   Thursday, May 14, 2009

A friend told me, just when I needed to hear it, needed to hear SOMETHING, anything, as long as it was real, that the full moon brings closure. And with the new moon comes new beginnings. Simply stated, thoughtfully related, desperately needed...I was ready, AM ready, steady, GO! Just let it go, give it away, it's not mine to keep, not my responsibility, karma will dictate accountability....But it's not on me, not anymore. It was never mine, I held it close simply to hold onto SOMETHING. But I don't want something, don't need SOMETHING, I deserve everything. So I let go of that which was never mine to begin with, but was the security I created for myself, to validate my pain, to keep a grip on hope, to hold myself down...I'm just like a balloon.........

On this most recent full moon, the 9th of May 2009, a bright Saturday night, I gave up all that binds me, which I always called mine, that was never truly my own, gave it away, free to go, finally, anywhere it belongs. I've committed to the spiritual as opposed to the physical, the future instead of the past, bound mindfully to the present. There is no such thing as forever, I AM today, and in this moment, the only thing that's real, I'm present. I am HERE. I am ALIVE. I'm never looking back, only moving forward. Floating away, wherever my energy takes me. I'm commited. I believe.

A friend told me that the full moon brings closure, as the full moon was shining brightly, visible from the window we were watching the world through. A world that now looks different, inviting, washed clean..Pure in the perfect illumination of the big moon. And finally, for the first time, my attempt at self initiated closure was successful....A breakthrough. A relief. A victory. A landmark....A sign of change, evolution.

And with the new moon comes new beginnings.....

I BELIEVE

Happy as I Wanna Be

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Tuesday, April 10, 2007 

I am no good at baseball, and even worse at softball, which sucks, because sometimes life throws you a curve ball. Who knows why, maybe to show you something you were unaware of previously; perhaps it is for the entertainment of someone or something out there watching us, as sick as that sounds, as we are unaware; then there is always at least one person who claims it is due to nothing, just a random event; could it be to teach us a lesson; or could it be karmic payback?

I don't know exactly why this happens, but I do know that I don't think that there is any such thing as random occurrence. I believe that everything happens for a reason, I believe in destiny, fate. What will be will be. I believe that everyone eventually ends up exactly where they are suppose to end up, one way or another, no matter what.

Yes, in this life we all have choices to make. We all have to make decisions that shape our current situations as well as our futures. I believe that as we travel along the paths of life, side by side sometimes, yet still alone, we must make choices, and it is these choices that determine how difficult our pilgrimage will be, how easily we will reach our mecca. But we will all reach our destination, eventually.

Since this is my belief, I am forced to admit that in my life, until quite recently, I have made bad choices. Consistently. This is my comfort zone, and as much as it doesn't make any sense to say this, in a way, I guess I have felt that at least I knew what to expect. Even if that is just knowing that I can expect more unhappiness and discomfort, more personal disappointment as well as disappointment for the ones that care about me. As hard as it is to admit that, I can't deny it, I must embrace it.

So what do you do when life throws you a curve ball, and, like something from a dream, you watch the ball speeding toward you, in slow motion. You watch the ball as you swing the bat, you see the ball. You see the ball connect with your bat, connect with the sweet spot. You feel an earthquake move through your body, the sound of the bat and ball colliding pierces your eardrums, it's deafening, like the report of a gun, tremors still shaking your arms as the ball hurtles through the air away from your bat. But still, the tremors don't stop. And your ears still ring. It's so surreal, your eyes long to blink, stinging from dryness and strain, but you can't tear them from the ball, it may be gone in that split second that you look away. It's like a very real feeling dream. Did it really happen?

Something is different. Something out of my comfort zone has recently taken place. I have used good decision making skills for once, and everything is different. Like a pebble breaking the glassy still surface of a quiet pond when a child tosses it in, ripples and ripples, spreading far and wide, ripples of change. The living things in the pond are scared, they dart away, startled. Sometimes I wish I would run away, scared, I think of hiding. But something keeps me near, I can't even turn away or close my eyes.

Is destiny calling me, Jamie Lee...Jamie Lee...

Nothing is wrong, nothing in my world is wrong right now.

This is the single most frightening thing I have ever experienced.