SurReality

The last couple of days have been very interesting for me. A lot of things have happened in my life, I've had a lot to take in. Some of it happy, some of it difficult, some of it incredibly surreal. Some of it so out of the ordinary for me, it's almost like the universe shifted, just a tiny bit, just enough to make a little space...For me. A tiny, little, surreal Jamie Lee space...

Surreal as in, WOW! Is this....CAN THIS BE, is it possible that this is really happening? What are the chances of this actually occurring? Things like this NEVER happen to me! Surreal like a dream...That's exactly how I can relate to you what I'm feeling....I can only describe this as a dream come true....Because it actually IS a dream come true, for me.

On Tuesday the 18th I posted the following blog at http://itsmejamielee.blogspot.com and put links to it on MySpace, FaceBook, Twitter and InTheRooms, just as I always do, asking people to read and let me know what they think. I have had an enormous response to this piece, so I hope you read and enjoy it as well. Authoring this piece IS STILL changing my life, which I will detail immediately following the blog itself.

Live Life With Childlike Abandon

Sooo, while on hiatus this past weekend, I stayed with a friend I've known for a few years. Despite the length of time we've known each other, we've never spent much one on one time together, at least not enough to get to know the little bits and pieces of one another that really make us the people we are, deep down. 

I'm talking about the habits and beliefs one only sees when they look closely, when they are afforded the time, interest and attention span necessary to truly witness someone else...In the raw. Over the weekend there was definitely plenty of time, and I'm fairly certain I was under the microscope. After all, I'm a rare and interesting specimen, unique indeed!  *wink wink*

Throughout the days, my friend repeatedly told me how much fun I am, and I often caught him watching me play and explore with a look of (what I interpreted to be) awe on his face. The kind of awe people get when they watch a child having fun playing with a string or a box, a sort of amusement at the simplicity of a child's pleasure, maybe even a bit of longing, a brief reminder of when life was so much easier. A wistfulness that things could be so simple for them again, perhaps. 

All weekend long I let it all go. For the most part. There was a brief moment as I was reading some email when I was temporarily pulled back into the stresses that create walls in our lives. And as I felt my body tense up, my face get squinchy and tears well up in my eyes, I immediately fell into Child's Pose, a yoga pose of pure surrender, and I allowed myself to be held by Mother (Earth) until I could remind myself, "I am taking a break to take in what is..And not worry about what will be." 

So I walked away from my email, separating myself from my electronic leashes. I'm learning how to be more present in my life. And with the exception of that situation, I spent the days and nights I was away listening to music constantly, dancing, singing, playing with my pups, photographing bugs, feeding and petting Horsey, admiring his strength and beauty, spoiling him with more carrots and oranges than I was suppose to give him. 

I noticed tiny flowers and spent time examining them closely, noting their smallest characteristics. I ate fresh oranges from the same tree I searched for spiders, hoping to examine their beautiful webs, all the while allowing my hands and face to get sticky as I relished the sweet, intense flavor, thankful for the cool, refreshing nourishment of the citrus fruit. I always ache to feel the earth beneath my feet, so I walked around the yard barefoot, carefully since there were lots of thistles, and enjoyed the feeling of a small splinter piercing the flesh of my right food, it was refreshing to be reminded just how alive I am. 

I played hide and seek with my friend, and tag..We had so much fun running away from each other, me yelling and screaming, both of us laughing, having tickle wars when we would catch one another. Of course the pups had to get involved, what fun would a game of tag be without even teams of 2 dogs and 2 humans? We boxed with Butchy and got besos from Bru and instigated leg biting between the two pups..To say the least, all 4 of us burned a lot of energy, and were in great spirits all weekend long.

On Saturday night, we returned to the city for a DubStep show at The Kava Lounge. This was (for the most part) the first time I have gone out to a club just to dance since being in recovery, actually, for well over a year. I have been so nervous that I would not connect to the music the same way, or enjoy it as much as I use to when I would go dancing high. On the way in, a guy my friend knew walked past and asked if we wanted to roll..Anything was possible, as it always is. 

However, I spent this night drug free, danced for 3 hours straight. You couldn't have lured me away from the dance floor no matter what. I was having so much fun that even when my friend would step outside for a cigarette nothing could distract me. Social anxiety smocial anxiety..In this moment it just didn't matter. What I noticed was this: When I dance and I'm really feeling it, my eyes are closed most of the time, I laugh a lot, and I get really excited when the music oscillates. 

Sunday upon returning to San Diego, my friend and I decided to get sushi for lunch. We went to Zensei, a sushi joint I really like, not far from my home in North Park. We had Miso Soup, a Spicy Tuna Roll and Caterpillar Roll, Seared Albacore Nigiri and something new to me....New Zealand Pearl White Tuna Nigiri. 

As I was chewing the first piece of this new to me treat, my eyes got big and I pointed at my mouth while I said 'MmmmmHmmmmmmm!!!! MMMMMM!!!" and smiled the best I could, full mouthed and closed lipped. My friend, smiling, said something about how cute and obvious it is when I really enjoy something, sort of like a little kid. 

When I swallowed my food, I said thank you..And briefly explained my thoughts on enjoying life to the fullest. Which went something(but not exactly) like this: 

I want to experience everything in life with childlike awe and wonder. I want to truly enjoy every second as though I haven't been conditioned by society, I want to be amazed by what I'm experiencing, full of love, happiness and appreciation. Why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't anyone? It may, indeed, be the fountain of youth. Because we are only as old as we make ourselves out to be..Age is a matter of perception. 

I don't care what the number game says, I want to live and love every second of life with childlike abandon.

 Almost immediately after this post went live on my blog, I started receiving feedback. From every possible direction. And still am, I've had decent responses to my writing before, but never anything like this. People emailing me about it, commenting on the blog itself, commenting on MySpace, FaceBook and InTheRooms about it, instant messaging me, a friend I haven't spoken to in at least probably 7 years tweeted about how she was blown away by my post...I've had a few phone calls and texts...And even from a few new friends while out in public. 

So awesome, so encouraging, I was just loving it, basking in it...And then on Wednesday morning, I got an instant message on InTheRooms...From one of the founders of the site itself..Much to my surprise. Here is a shortened account of what happened from there. This is where everything became, and still is, very surreal for me...

MC:  I'm MC, one of the co founders of InTheRooms. I just checked out your blog...wanna get 10X the numbers you're getting now?

MC:  Are you in recovery?

JmeLee:  yes....and yes.

MC:  Listen...you interested in doing a blog for us? Our Alexa is around 30K vs the 10Million you're at right now

JmeLee:  yes, but i'm new at this blogging thing

MC:  I like your style...it just needs to be chanelled better

JmeLee:  what is alexa

MC:  we can help. Alexa is a rating site. Go to www.alexa.com and type in the adress you want to check out. What would you like to write about? What's your passion?

JmeLee:  it depends on the moment....i write a lot about life...like the blog called live life with childlike abandon.....it's getting a lot of attention, more than most

MC:  I agree with you about the getting attention part. You're a natural! What are you in recovery from? It isn't listed

JmeLee:  ...15 year meth addiction...clean for 1 year on the 5th of june

MC:  Are you going to meetings?

JmeLee:  no i go to an intensive holistic 2 year program here in san diego called shakti rising

MC:  Cool! THAT's what you can write about!

JmeLee:  it's awesome!

MC:  Great! You can touch on whatever else is going on with you but we focus on the Holistic lifestyle and recovery...We would set you up in your own blog with some link backs to us and we help each other..I want our web design guy TDM to check this out and give me his ideas...so we're checking out your blog now...

MC:  Ok, I've put TDM in charge of this and once he gets something together...we get our PR firm in NYC involved...and get you some readership. We can point everyone that's going to your present blog automatically to your new blog! It would take you years to do what we'll do for you in weeks!

JmeLee:  thank you...so, my own blog with it's own url and it's own facebook page..and i will blog about holistic recovery....

MC:  yep!

JmeLee:  wow, you actually own mystoryofrecovery.com..that's a pretty good url to have

MC:  yep...it can be yours! let TDM know...I like it!

TDM: ok JamieLee -- what domain were you thinking 

JmeLee: your original suggestion -- www.mystoryofrecovery.com

TDM: ok perfect...now pick out a template for your site and i'll install it for you....

TDM: http://mystoryofrecovery.com/

JmeLee: holy crap you're fast

TDM: i know..i'm good with my internetz ;-0

JmeLee: AWESOME!!! thank you! so do my (few) readers that have already subscribed need to resubscribe?

TDM: yeah

JmeLee: ok...thank you thank you!!!

TDM: your welcome!!!!!

JmeLee: ugh i wish i had time to christen it....but i do not

TDM: what u up 2, where u headed today

JmeLee: therapy 3-4...then meeting for some stuff for my program 4-5.....then group 5-7.....then skills 7-9:30 at least...then dubstep show downtown and dancing yay...and it's the weekend at that point....wooohoooo

TDM: whoa..you're intense...thats a lot

JmeLee: soooo...is this whole thing.....kinda like my blog got.....syndicated? sorta? like a show on PBS that gets popular and gets picked up by nbc?

TDM: yeah we picked it up...you're official now

So, to put it all simply, I offer my recent FaceBook status:

"So the big news is my blog got picked up by a site ranking round 30,000 on Alexa..Which is awesome compared to my blog's rank of 10,155,000. Basically, I got syndicated this morning. I get my own website, and a facebook fan page for it, a webdesigner and pr company nyc to market me. just to keep blogging about my recovery..Except..I'm a REAL writer now. Officially."

 ITR has members all over the world, there is so much potential here. I'm scared to death and on a rollercoaster of emotions, STILL..And this IS a dream come true, indeed..It was a goal of mine, when I began my original blog back in February, to eventually have an amazing following and perhaps even get paid to write more often. Which I knew would most likely take YEARS..But all of a sudden, a few months later, I basically get sponsored, for lack of a better term, and now have worldwide exposure. Scared? ME?!? HELL YES, SCARED NEARLY TO DEATH...But...I'm getting better. 

As a side note, I also just wanted to announce to the Shakti Yahoo Community Group what is going on for me. Actually, Kirstin told me I NEEDED to. At the risk of sounding like a needy, whiney bitch, I will mention that I stopped posting anything to do with my blog on community a long time ago...Because I NEVER got any response, really. And even after posting about my blog here on community a number of times as well as on FaceBook, etc...I only had 2 apprentice subscribers, and 1 community member subscriber, and not even so much as an acknowledgement from anyone else at shakt, (If my memory serves me well) Which hurt my feelings, honestly, and made me feel like an ass for even mentioning it, since obviously, (it felt like) no one cared. 

So....Setting all that aside, here's my post, to satisfy KK's request, and offer the community the info once again...Especially since I'm a REAL writer now...Officially. My new website IS live, however, we are still working on it's formatting and functionality, and I am not sure when it will be working completely...But it works well enough to take a peek at, if you're so inspired. 

http://mystoryofrecovery.com 

Or, you can check out my old blog, which is where I am actually posting THIS. For all my subscribers. Please make sure to subscribe to the new site, when the links are working! Sorry for the inconvenience...Anyways, here's the link to my old Blogger site...

http://itsmejamielee.blogspot.com

Please.....Grab My RSS......ASAP!

Last night I was stalking around in my Google Analytics, checking out my blog stats. Basically, I was making a study of my statistics since I installed Analytics, which was back when I was posting regularly (before I took that nice little month long-ish break from writing) all the way up to the present.

It was interesting to notice my averages when I was posting a lot, then then I wasn't posting at all, and now how they've been making a pretty speedy recovery since I've been posting again. Pretty neat, really, and inspiring. When I post I'm getting a good response, and I noticed that even in between posts, there's SOME traffic. Which is definitely a feel good, smile inducing kinda thing to notice.

As I was smiling over this, just sorta being grateful for everyone's interest and support, I clicked to another page and my stats updated...My numbers from the day before came in. AND BURIED ALL THE PREVIOUS NUMBERS! Basically, the day I posted Hiatus and Abandon, I got my highest number of readers in one day, ever. PLUS...My bounce rate dropped dramatically, which means people are reading more and staying longer...WooooHooooooo!!!!

I knew that my Abandon post was stirring a lot of stuff up for people, not only was I getting blog comments, I was receiving posts on FaceBook, Myspace, Instant Messenger, InTheRooms and even Twitter. It would be awesome if all the comments related to a particular blog post could be posted on the blog itself, simply because I'd like to keep track of everyone's feedback in an organized manner....Regardless, it means so much to me I'll take it anyway I can get it. THANK YOU EVERYONE!

However, in the spirit of blogging and simplicity, I would like to ask that, at the risk of sounding ungrateful and bitchy, in the future, everyone PLEASE leave any feedback/comments related to my blog...ON MY BLOG. That's what it's there for, honestly, and it means a lot to me to be able to go back and re-read those comments later...So please, don't stop letting me know what you think! Your investment into my writing is priceless to me!

Anyways....

Also on the topic of blogs and simplicity, I am, and have been, well aware that subscribing to / following my blog hasn't been the easiest for some of my readers! So, I did some work on the functionality and user-friendliness of my blog last night, as a gift...From me to you. So now you don't HAVE to have a Google account to follow my writing anymore..Although that still works for all of you who already subscribed that way. I just added a few other options for people to choose from when they decide to stalk my blog.

The first thing I did was install an email form on the right side of the page, which allows you to subscribe to my blog simply by putting your email address (any email will work) in the box and pressing "Subscribe." After you do that, you will probably have to type in a CAPTCHA to ensure you're not a machine, but that's it! From then on, anytime I post a blog or an update, you will receive an email with the details, directly in your own inbox. This option is for all my lazy stalkers...I know you're out there!

The other addition is my new RSS button, so you can "Stalk my RSS." There's a number of ways to follow my RSS...For example, you can subscribe using an RSS reader, OutLook or AppleMail, Google, Flock Browser, etc. You'll figure it out, it's the melty ice cube looking red RSS feedicon, just under My Stalkers and right by the email form. So, if you are a FeedReader, grab my RSS and enjoy it! There's plenty of my RSS to go around, and it should be a lot of fun!

So basically, there's no reason anyone should have issues subscribing anymore. You can subscribe via Google, AIM, RSS, the email of your choice, etc etc. Please subscribe if you enjoy my blog, and comment whenever you're inspired! Whether you like what you're reading or not...Either way, I love the feedback.

And of course, thank you all again, so very much! Your support and encouragement is truly amazing, it means more than I can put into words. I appreciate and love each and every one of you...And that's all for now! So go subscribe, over to your right, before you go...Do it, do it! <3

Do You REALLY Mean Everything You Say?

He said, "Let me ask you a question..Do you really mean everything you say?"

*Neutral posture, no body language, emotionless gaze.*

((Where did that question come from, and why can't I "hear" what he's really asking me?))

"Well, with the exception of when I'm "talking shit," which is completely obvious....Yes..I believe I do..Why? Is there a reason you're asking me this?"

"Well, it's just something you said earlier..About how you may feel THIS way about something today....But tomorrow, you may feel completely different.."

((Ahhhh...!))

*Smile*

((I love it when people really listen to what I'm saying..And how nice to have my most recent epiphany addressed..))

**Nod acknowledging the question while processing the answer**

"Yes..It's true! As hypocritical as that may look in this moment, I have come to a deeper understanding of "Beliefs" recently. I'm able to see now that how I feel about anything, and what I believe about anything, is determined by what I have learned about it. So it is not reasonable to refuse to re-examine my beliefs when new information is introduced to me, THAT would not be living authentically."

*Breathe*

**Inventory what I've said..And what I still need to convey**

((I'm doing it! This is making sense!))

"It does not mean that what I think/feel TODAY is wrong, because it isn't, it's just what is true for me IN THIS MOMENT. BUT I am learning new things, all day everyday. So many things I've always thought I deeply understood often look different now, because I'm open to accepting new information about these very important beliefs. I have recently noticed a shift in how I feel about my beliefs and being open to making adjustments, even when it's uncomfortable or hard." 

((Here it is...I'm actually gonna get it all out!))

"In my opinion, the privilege to change our minds whenever we want to is one of the greatest gifts of being human. And the biggest hypocrisy would be to not allow myself to evolve by shutting things out that could shift my beliefs, which would be a huge insult to myself and the people around me, it would not be mindful, it would not be conscious. It would be judgmental, it would be self sabotage, it would definitely be failure. It is our right and responsibility as humans to lead as full an existence as possible, and to accomplish that, nothing can be overlooked or ignored."

*Breathe*

((That wasn't so bad...I think I did it!))

"....You've changed....So much about you is different, you've really changed."

*Neutral posture, no body language, emotionless gaze* 

((Why can't I "hear" what he's really telling me?))

*Breathe, create space, stop trying to judge his words*

"Not just your appearance, something deep about you has changed.."

 ((As good as truly being listened to right now feels, this is getting uncomfortable, he's known me for years and I feel like I'm under his magnifying glass..Well, I meant all of what I said, so it is what it is. It will be ok, I'm being authentic. That's the best I can do. It's ok!))

"You've definitely changed, and only in a GOOD way."

*Nod*

*Breathe....*

((WHEW!!!))

*Smile*

"Thank you...."

In Due Time

I know that thinking about the future (or the past, for that matter) too much prevents me from being present RIGHT NOW, which, in reality, is all that really matters. In MY personal opinion, at least. Because I know the past is gone, and the "future" may never come, and who knows what will happen from one second to the next..But knowledge doesn't make me anything greater than human, I live a very human existence. Obviously.

So, sometimes I think about the future. And the past too of course, but that is another story, for a future blog. Or 13,013 future blogs, perhaps!  ヅ  God knows I could go on forever about the past, who couldn't, right? Anyways.....This blog is about the future, and my feelings about MY future. Relationship wise, where I want to be, the potential of parenting, these ideas inspire this blog, and what I am experiencing.

Remarkable, isn't it, that I recently came to the conclusion that setting goals is, YES, a good thing, a GREAT thing...But at the same time, getting into the details in goal setting isn't so good. Because that's how we develop expectations, and expectations, I am learning, are what cause disappointment. Yes, it's true. Painfully obvious, but incredibly difficult to avoid. Again, it's part of the human existence.

Lately, when I get caught up in the great bear trap of my mind, the notion of the future and how I want things to be, and my thoughts carry on just a little longer than they should and my mental picture of my future grows less fuzzy and more specific..I'm left with something new. Instead of continuing on in my daydream, if you will, something else is happening.

The internal chatter ceases, my soul's buzz halts. All that normally fills me vanishes, leaving me so full of empty that it seems there isn't even room for comfort. Instead, I'm experiencing feelings of uncertainty, loneliness, a feeling that life is passing me by and an urgency that goes unanswered. Because I simply don't have the solution yet. It's something that comes with time.

I know that I could have someone to keep me warm at night. It could be someone different every night, if so desired. And there have been times in my life when it didn't matter, as long as someone was there. Any port in the storm, as they say. But it matters now. It REALLY fucking matters. Love, connection, chemistry, attraction, passion, trust, safety, inspiration..Suddenly, ALL of these things matter to me.

I know, I know, in due time. And honestly, I'm not even looking anymore. Not only do I realize I have work to do and intend on honoring myself by doing this work, I already know where I belong. It's something I just know, like a person just knows how to breathe. My past and my future are so intertwined, with the exception of my addiction, it's all very easy to see. Moreover, I feel it in my soul. I KNOW it in my spirit.

In due time. On a lighter note, like my mom says, I always get what I want..Soooo..In due time. 

Thank You!

I have mad gratitude for everyone who's been reading my blog, my views have gone way up lately and that's awesome and encouraging!!!! Please, please, please subscribe and comment on my posts if you like what you see here or with any feedback at all! It really means a lot to me! And you don't even have to be a member of blogger to subscribe, anyone can follow me via Google Friend Connect, etc.....Once again, thank you! It really means a lot! XoXoX

HOME

Home is where the heart is

I want to go home

Wherever that is

One Wish

if i could have just 1 wish right now....i would wish for a snuggle
i want to be held now, right now. i need to be loved in this very moment,
i hate the early mornings of the day following a bad day...

could i snuggle in as close as possible, bury my self in your neck

wiggling and feeling around til i find the perfect spot

where the shape of your shoulder fits the curves of my face..

where i can't see anything, where nothing can see me,

but i can still breathe through my nose.....

can i wrap my feet around your legs, flattening myself to your skin 

til a part of you is touching every single part of me

wrap some of your hair round my fingers a few times..

rub it's softness between the pads of my first and middle finger

i'd put my other hand on your chest so i could feel you breathe..

and your heartbeat..

would i finally find the safety and comfort i need, i so desperately want

in this space..this love space

could i finally just feel loved and let go of all my judgment

and experience what i just KNOW exists..i believe it's out there 

something bigger than life, and i want it..to truly love and be loved 

to truly believe and feel it

The Right Thing

My close girlfriend hit me up on instant messenger last night, we chat often since she moved back home to the east coast from San Diego, some time ago. I cherish these moments I'm privileged to have with her, even if only online and lacking the majority of the nonverbal interpersonal communication that is often necessary for deep understanding between 2 individuals. As kindred spirits, our connection is always present, despite the physical distance between and the passage of time, spiritually we are always within reach of one another.

I miss and love her dearly, she is a GOOD person, she is REAL, she is growing and evolving in ways one can only hope to witness throughout the lives of ALL the people they love, which, ironically, are commonly the same ways we often resist, refuse to acknowledge, and just plain deny ourselves personal growth in our own lives. It's The Hard Stuff, the parts of us that we don't want to admit, don't have the confidence to take a look at, the things which trigger our shame, insecurity, anger, sadness and all the other emotions which are a natural part of our soulful existence as human beings, but are regarded, unfortunately, as negative and unattractive.

Every time I talk to my friend, she's working hard to achieve a deeper understanding, or at least a deeper acceptance of herself and others, she's creating space for growth..And LOVE..I'm so proud of her. She's amazing, beautiful and brave, an inspiration...I'm blessed to have this space with her, it's always a learning experience in some way. It's so easy to love my Bean, and she deserves it.

We talk about a variety of topics, anything that comes up. There is no need to filter what is communicated, there is no judgment. How nice to have a friend to tell anything to, that can be truly and infinitely trusted, who's feedback is immeasurably valuable but who offers advice without expectation, honoring and supporting your right to make your own decisions based on whatever criteria you've determined pertinent to the outcome of the situation in question. Someone who may not always understand your needs, but at least respects them, and encourages you to do so as well.

As amazing as this is, I sometimes don't do a good job of honoring the woman she is in my life..And I end up feeling guilty, irritable and exhausted, not to mention inadequate. There are 2 contributing factors in this and both have the same central theme, which is that I rarely take space for myself when I need it, They are:

1) I am almost always there when she calls on me, even when I feel it's not in my best interest to be emotionally..I have a really difficult time setting boundaries, I often experience a feeling of intense guilt when I'm trying to determine appropriate boundaries, plus I become consumed with my inability to communicate that, sometimes, I am not in the space to take anything else on..OR that I simply don't have the energy necessary to be there for her if she (or anyone, this is a common issue for me) needs someone.

2) I also struggle with resistance to asking someone to just hear me every now and then, especially when I need it to just be about ME. There are times when I feel like I just need to talk, vent, empty myself of what's creating pressure, and I don't want to take in anything to replace what I'm releasing. Sometimes I don't want to be related to, I want my experience to be acknowledged as it's own, honored for what it is individually, in relation to ME, despite the similar experiences of anyone else. I really want to be heard, and sometimes I feel as though I'm not being listened to and truly acknowledged when I try to express myself as a way of asking to be supported, only to be answered with a story of how the person I am speaking with has been through the same thing. It's nice to be related to, I certainly don't want to seem ungrateful or selfish, but even if EVERYONE in the world has been through what I have been through, it doesn't make my personal experience any less significant or easy to deal with for me. I'm working on this, but I still rarely ask for help or support when I need it, from anyone, even her, even though I suspect I am taking away from her experience in our relationship by holding back.

Sooooo.....A few days ago I got to talk to her for the first time in probably a week, I was really glad to hear from her, we usually talk more than this, I think. Anyways, I was feeling lonely for her attention, to be perfectly honest. But on this day, as has been the case fairly often lately, I was not feeling well.

Depressed, bouts of crying out of nowhere, that feeling that life is passing me by, somehow...Loneliness, shame, longing, guilt, even regret. Yes...There IT is finally, I have decided there IS something, at least 1 thing, I have done in my life that I regret. It makes me nauseous to admit that, even now. 

Uncertainty, worthlessness, undeserving...I could go on with the list of the emotions I was experiencing, AM experiencing, but I don't know how self serving that would be, and I'm sure I've gotten my point across. I wasn't, haven't been, and still am not feeling good about myself, and of course, it is all in relation to the central theme and need in my life...Love. To love and be loved, to be in relationship mindfully and fruitfully. Fuuuuuuu! And now, the tears again. Ugghhhhhhhhhh.......

Ok, so.....One thing we ALWAYS talk about is where she's at dating and relationship wise. It's usually the first thing we talk about, and as usual, last night's conversation was started with an update about her guy and their relationship. Which I normally welcome and am eager to hear....But last night, I was not in the mood to talk to her about anything relationship related.

Because I was hurting so badly, and this particular wound I am working so hard to heal is so very deep, it was really hard for me to be open to her. It's like a wound to my spirit that, over time, couldn't heal and festered into a raging infection of my soul. And it hurts. It even encompasses my physical body, and it clouds my thoughts, sometimes even persuades my feelings. But I'm always trying to be a good friend, trying to have patience for her and myself..She deserves for me to be the same friend I always am, she deserves stability and a reliable confidante, even if I don't feel tolerant emotionally.

So I conversed with her about how things are going, how she is feeling, read about how happy she is and what her experience of being in love is like. And I still can't put words to how happy I am for her, this is such good news! I responded to her questions, gave her my honest opinion when asked, I was a good friend, as I feel I always am..All the while feeling as though I'm dying inside, still crying off and on. Instant messenger texting doesn't convey emotion, it's a very godless thing...So she never even knew.

In my recovery, and as I'm learning how to care for myself, I've come to realize that not only is it a healthy practice for me to set boundaries for MYSELF, inevitably all parties involved receive something from it. So at the same time I was being a "good" friend, I was failing her..And myself. It makes me feel so good to be helpful, to always be available, to be a "good" friend..And at the same time, in situations like this, I end up crushing myself. I can see both things, I can relate to both things..Maybe someday I'll be able to choose just one thing. The RIGHT thing.

Howling at the Full Moon

ORIGINAL POST:   Thursday, May 14, 2009

A friend told me, just when I needed to hear it, needed to hear SOMETHING, anything, as long as it was real, that the full moon brings closure. And with the new moon comes new beginnings. Simply stated, thoughtfully related, desperately needed...I was ready, AM ready, steady, GO! Just let it go, give it away, it's not mine to keep, not my responsibility, karma will dictate accountability....But it's not on me, not anymore. It was never mine, I held it close simply to hold onto SOMETHING. But I don't want something, don't need SOMETHING, I deserve everything. So I let go of that which was never mine to begin with, but was the security I created for myself, to validate my pain, to keep a grip on hope, to hold myself down...I'm just like a balloon.........

On this most recent full moon, the 9th of May 2009, a bright Saturday night, I gave up all that binds me, which I always called mine, that was never truly my own, gave it away, free to go, finally, anywhere it belongs. I've committed to the spiritual as opposed to the physical, the future instead of the past, bound mindfully to the present. There is no such thing as forever, I AM today, and in this moment, the only thing that's real, I'm present. I am HERE. I am ALIVE. I'm never looking back, only moving forward. Floating away, wherever my energy takes me. I'm commited. I believe.

A friend told me that the full moon brings closure, as the full moon was shining brightly, visible from the window we were watching the world through. A world that now looks different, inviting, washed clean..Pure in the perfect illumination of the big moon. And finally, for the first time, my attempt at self initiated closure was successful....A breakthrough. A relief. A victory. A landmark....A sign of change, evolution.

And with the new moon comes new beginnings.....

I BELIEVE

Starting Over {Complete honesty with yourself is the way to get what you really want and need.}

FIRST POSTED:  Wednesday, April 23, 2008  

Note:This is an ongoing blog story, a journey of a girl searching for love.

Time goes on, the smoke from the burning bridges has mostly cleared, the rain has come and extinguished the fire of emotions. Enough restless days and lonely, sleepless nights have gone by, and over time, the realization that what's been done is the right thing finally settled in a bit. It's a sad, hard reality, but no matter how much I loved him, OR we loved each other, neither of us were happy, it's better this way. The aching inside was nearly suffocating, the memories endlessly daunting, the failure has been hard to swallow, but it's better this way, it's better this way. And the more time passed, the easier the days became, and I've moved on. The truest form of love, I suppose, is doing what's best when it feels the worst. And this certainly DID feel the worst, but I've moved on. It IS best this way.

Mostly forgotten personal values begin to creep back from the spiderwebs of my mind...Self confidence from the understanding that this was the correct decision, independence since there is no one else to consider first, the serenity that grows as stress lessens.....Relief. The relief that it's over, and a certainty that none of this will be my concern forever, my hope that perhaps it won't be much longer, final closure is within my grasp, my soul's full recovery is imminent. My heart's freedom has been regained...And thankfully there is little left to do in order to put all of this behind me, completely. I'm all on my own, all on my own.

It's long past time for MY time, but it's never too late, no matter how far overdue. Introspect is a dear old friend of mine, that it was dismissed for so long is quite a shame. I've welcomed it like a long lost friend I have missed tremendously, this opportunity for true reflection. So many questions, things to consider. How did we go so painfully wrong? What could I have done to better accommodate the needs of our relationship? Was I giving too much or was it not enough? How much truth is there in the things he said that hurt the most? They wouldn't have stung so badly if there weren't some truth to them. What can I learn from him/us/this and how can I evolve and become better? I don't want to go through anything like this ever EVER again, I am determined to take as much as I can from this experience, understand it, and apply it to myself. I want to give myself every chance to be successful in life....And love. Everyday, just a little better.

Moreover...How can I make myself stronger, and learn to avoid the same mistakes? What do I want in life? What do I truly truly need? How can I achieve my goals? I want to live my dream.

Reality has suddenly become very clear. There is one thing that bothers me most from all of this. I can learn from the mistakes I believe I've made, I can grow, and I have. Time will mend my wounds, I'm still a whole person, I was never less. I can recover the confidence that was somehow lost along the way, and never again will I lose it. I'm beginning to believe in myself and my dreams again, I know that I'm not asking too much, it's a matter of patience and diligence. I'm confident about all of this.

But one thing I really want is to love......and to be loved. I'm actually convinced that this is something I NEED, but not in an unhealthy way, not right this second, and definitely not if it isn't fulfilling to me as well as the other person. I've simply realized I do want to find that one person, THE one person I could spend my life with. Share life with. Build a life with. Finally I'm ready to work on settling down, find happiness in love, be comfortable. I don't want to spend my life alone. No one should be alone. Happiness, love comfort.

Funny thing to note here.....To me, it's just one more indication that your energy opens doors for you when you truly realize and embrace your deepest feelings. I started writing this blog a while back. I originally titled it "Starting Over (Why I Hate the Thought of Dating)" and kept it personal for some reason, I guess I knew somehow I wasn't quite finished writing it yet. And perhaps I still am not, as I am writing now the third update in this saga. But, since admitting not only in writing, but consciously to myself, as well, how I truly feel about love and what I'm honestly looking for, a few things have happened that make me believe even more that everything happens for a reason, and we all end up EXACTLY where we are suppose to be, eventually.

After posting the initial diary entry of this blog story, I met someone, dated them a few times. They gave me a great place to have my birthday party, and they tried really hard to keep me...But it wasn't meant to be. The energy of the universe was determined for all the little discrepancies and non-truths to be out in the open, for me not to ignore the signs. It was too bad. But it was a great stepping stone emotionally for me, staying true to myself even when someone else is doing their best to be convincing in their intentions. It didn't feel right, and I wasn't giving in.

And then I met someone else....Someone that I have a LOT in common with....Someone fun and super cute and interesting....And the fire burned at about a million degrees.....for about a few weeks. LOL! I guess that's the way it goes sometimes. The easy way out with that was that the boy's phone got broken...And apparently he doesn't email, haha, so I didn't hear from him for almost 2 weeks. So by the time he came around to getting a new phone and messaging me to hang out, it was easy to cut the ties. I was already displaced from the comfort of the situation.

I had a date with another boy, a first date, with someone I'd never met in real life. He made the decision to cancel on me the day of our plans......

And thank god. Because that was when the universe smacked me with something I was beginning to doubt was real. He didn't just walk into my life and say "Here I am." He was already there, for something like a year, in the background, chasing and waiting. Quietly. And I knew it, but wasn't sure either of us was ready. Because he is different...Like I am different. But cosmically the energy of the universes of 2 people finally aligned, ready or not. Here we come.

He is someone outspoken about his own desires in life and love, and what he's been looking for in the girl he wants to experience these things with. I've looked for the same things in my search for my guy. To me, it's the strange things like this - being with someone that recites almost exactly my values and desires as his own, without even knowing these things about me - that are the biggest things, the stuff that matters most.

I feel so fortunate. Simply to finally walk next to someone that can put a smile on my face with such ease, someone that arrived just when I needed a little reminder that humanity is not all so bad, so I should not lose all faith. Someone happy to have just me, as happy as I am to have just them. It's reciprocal, this new relationship, in everything we've experienced so far. Maybe, just maybe.... We'll see. It's easy to not rush, when there's a mutual comfort and understanding that needs not be spoken. And it's easy to take things as they come, and not worry about the proper time line when you just feel each other. Timing is everything. And what will be will be.

And what will be......Determines what won't be, as well. I believe in acceptance, having an open mind, compromising when it's appropriate, when it's reciprocal....But I don't believe that people should compromise their integrity. Their key ideals, their deepest beliefs. And on the same note, I don't think that others should disrespect or discredit these things about their mates.

The last time, for the first time, starting over was just what I wanted to do. I welcomed my new love, I'd been waiting for him...It's true. An incredible person, wonderful and amazing, intelligent, driven, headstrong and inspiring. There's nothing wrong with him....It's just that we are too different. His ideals and what drives him are opposite my own. To the point that compromising about it would mean adjusting my own standards and beliefs, in a deep and emotional way. In a way I am not willing to redirect them. I would have to accept things that hurt or frighten me in the deepest part of my soul, things I have never been able to adjust myself to. So that is that. And it is what it is. We are still friends. Which is just where we started. I can deal with that.

I'm a true romantic at heart. I have been looking for the person that's as crazy about me as I am about them, the person that IT just happens with effortlessly, but that realizes how much effort it takes to build an empire. Someone with the same values as me, that will allow me to make them the most important person in my life and award me the same. Someone loyal and kind, honest, considerate, some one to walk next to. Someone that's proud of me and supportive, encouraging and that will share my triumphs as well as my shortcomings. And allow me to share in their's. Don't think for a second I'm asking for anything I'm not willing and happy to give in return. Equality in love.

Who knows what the future will bring. There is so much to do. So many things to say. But for the moment, I'm going to let this one ride, and see where it takes me. Who knows? Maybe I WILL end up keeping a promise and marrying DC when I turn 35, because maybe we'll both still be unmarried. But I doubt that. I KNOW my person, the person for me is near. I just know, because what I am asking for is not too much.

And I am worth it.