As a Result of the Result

Soooo, some of you know that recently I've been depressed. Deeply depressed, clearly, and suffering some scary physical issues (ie narcolepsy, it would seem) as a result of emotional turmoil, being in constant reaction, trying to heal extremely deep and painful wounds and constantly processing all of this and everything else. 

As a result of the result of this (ha) I haven't been doing art, haven't had the creative possess or desire, not to mention the self confidence to even finish things started long ago let alone start anything new....Until recently. I finished some art. Which felt really good, and was a big confidence booster, especially since I was actually excited about the result.

I also have not been blogging, OBVIOUSLY, which is tragic! But writing is one of the things that was triggering me the most. Blogging. It's what brought the scary sleep problem back after 4 or 5 years of not having an episode. Basically, at risk of sounding like I'm self diagnosing here, I can only compare my experience to my understanding of narcolepsy. 

This IS a trauma response for me, and is definitely triggered by really powerful, hurtful emotions, it always has been. This use to happen every now and again, but until about a month ago I hadn't had to deal with it in about 4 years. But it happened a number of times, when it happened before. I would get upset, and just straight up pass out, no matter where I was or what was going on around me. 

When this would happen, 4 or 5 years ago, it was really intense and scary. Basically, I would experience a complete loss of control and function. Even over the ability to speak. The last thing that would happen is my eyes would shut, and up until that point, I remember being fully aware of everything, just unable to move. People would be trying to talk to me, ask if I was ok, but I wouldn't be able to answer. I would just go to sleep.

The difference with the most intense (and first) of my more recent experiences was that I noticed early on that I was starting to feel funny, presumably because I'm so much more conscious and present in my body. Because of this heightened sense of awareness, I was able to catch the symptoms in the beginning stages, stop what I was doing, which was blogging, and give myself my full attention. And I was able to take control of the situation, instead of losing control.

After a few seconds of just paying attention, I remembered when I had felt that way before, a heavy, achy sorta feeling in my body, indescribable feeling of discomfort in my stomach and tired eyed, a strange feeling of gradual loss of control..Helplessness..And I knew what was most likely coming. So I made myself get up and go do something with my dogs, to kinda distract from what I was writing, ie what was most likely causing that to happen. It was really hard to do, but it worked, I didn't pass out.

After this, when I would start to experience the symptoms, I would divert myself. I would say something to someone if I was in group or session, or make myself get up and move until it passed. I have been very much on an emotional edge lately, and haven't really been able take much before I start to react. Involuntarily. These kinda things tend to creep up on ya.

Lately, it hasn't been so intense as it was there for a little while, but I find that I still sorta shut down..When people get upset around me and raise their voices, I suddenly feel very small, scared, and it's not unusual for me to start crying. Or just get really quiet and basically distance myself in whatever way possible. Even if it's just to tune everything out.

I decided to take a break from writing for a while, as this was primarily when I would go into reaction. I have 8 or 9 unfinished blogs now. A lot comes up for me when I write, and I try to process all that arises by acknowledging it in my writing, and working with it by just allowing it to be there. But since this doesn't seem to be working, I'm not sure when I will revisit and attempt to finish the incomplete writing. All I can say is, when the time is right.

Maybe you've picked up on this with me, maybe you haven't, either way I just have to say out loud, to someone other than myself and my pups, that without creativity, I don't feel alive. It's definitely (obviously) been a struggle through my various attempts at sobriety, and many many many times in the past, creativity, or the lack thereof, has been a huge reason I started using again after being sober for x amount of time.

This particular attempt at recovery, however, has been different in that I have not suffered the level of severity I am accustomed to regarding lack of creativity while I'm sober. I know it's a big part of what's kept me going. Creativity and my dogs....They are the 2 main things. So my recent lack of inspiration was pretty intense and difficult to deal with. But here we are. And almost a year deep, none the less.

I'm baaaaaaaaaack.....Or, at least, trying very genuinely to be.

In Due Time

I know that thinking about the future (or the past, for that matter) too much prevents me from being present RIGHT NOW, which, in reality, is all that really matters. In MY personal opinion, at least. Because I know the past is gone, and the "future" may never come, and who knows what will happen from one second to the next..But knowledge doesn't make me anything greater than human, I live a very human existence. Obviously.

So, sometimes I think about the future. And the past too of course, but that is another story, for a future blog. Or 13,013 future blogs, perhaps!  ヅ  God knows I could go on forever about the past, who couldn't, right? Anyways.....This blog is about the future, and my feelings about MY future. Relationship wise, where I want to be, the potential of parenting, these ideas inspire this blog, and what I am experiencing.

Remarkable, isn't it, that I recently came to the conclusion that setting goals is, YES, a good thing, a GREAT thing...But at the same time, getting into the details in goal setting isn't so good. Because that's how we develop expectations, and expectations, I am learning, are what cause disappointment. Yes, it's true. Painfully obvious, but incredibly difficult to avoid. Again, it's part of the human existence.

Lately, when I get caught up in the great bear trap of my mind, the notion of the future and how I want things to be, and my thoughts carry on just a little longer than they should and my mental picture of my future grows less fuzzy and more specific..I'm left with something new. Instead of continuing on in my daydream, if you will, something else is happening.

The internal chatter ceases, my soul's buzz halts. All that normally fills me vanishes, leaving me so full of empty that it seems there isn't even room for comfort. Instead, I'm experiencing feelings of uncertainty, loneliness, a feeling that life is passing me by and an urgency that goes unanswered. Because I simply don't have the solution yet. It's something that comes with time.

I know that I could have someone to keep me warm at night. It could be someone different every night, if so desired. And there have been times in my life when it didn't matter, as long as someone was there. Any port in the storm, as they say. But it matters now. It REALLY fucking matters. Love, connection, chemistry, attraction, passion, trust, safety, inspiration..Suddenly, ALL of these things matter to me.

I know, I know, in due time. And honestly, I'm not even looking anymore. Not only do I realize I have work to do and intend on honoring myself by doing this work, I already know where I belong. It's something I just know, like a person just knows how to breathe. My past and my future are so intertwined, with the exception of my addiction, it's all very easy to see. Moreover, I feel it in my soul. I KNOW it in my spirit.

In due time. On a lighter note, like my mom says, I always get what I want..Soooo..In due time. 

HOME

Home is where the heart is

I want to go home

Wherever that is

dear jenni ~ (a letter to my sister, a hole in my heart)

(a bit of background.....for quite some time now i have not been speaking to my sister due to her unfortunate choice of lifestyle, but she still tries to make me/trick me/manipulate me/guilt trip me etc into talking to her. she knows how i feel, which is basically, when she straightens up, i'll come back around, until then, she needs to keep her distance. she struggles with that, but i refuse to be a part of this situation, i refuse to enable her by comforting her, relating to her, empathizing with her or even by just listening to her. things have been coming to a head lately, she found me on facebook and keeps sending requests and messages. all i want is to be respected and have my boundaries honored. is it really too much to ask? (that is sheer sarcasm, btw.....)


March 1 at 2:13pm ----- jenni, as I have told you before, more than once, I will let you know when I am ready to talk. You said you understood, please don't forget that. I want to remind you that I told you that when I FEEL you are doing the right things, first for the kids, and then for yourself, I will let you know. Until then, please RESPECT my decision and space, constant reminders that you don't respect me aren't bringing me any closer. You know what you need to do and so does everyone one else. Take care of yourself and your kids. I love you.

From Jenni ----- hey just wanted you to know i love you. no matter what. 4ever. and also just to let you know im doing a million times better. i hope to hear from you soon. i have another new number so that that dumbass cant get ahold of me. its --- --- ----. call or text anytime. once again....... i love you so much sis

-------I love you too, Jen, keep up the good work. I just got this, but I still feel the same way as I did when I sent my last message. I want to hear that you're doing good and doing the right things not only from you, or even Bobby and Megan or Josh and Megan, but from the other people who tell me what's going on too, whether family or friends back there. I'm sure you understand. But keep on doing right. I believe in you. I will always love you. I'm always here for you in heart and spirit. ♥

Her response ----- thank you. i needed to hear those words. i love you too. im gona keep on striving to be the best i can be. each day is becoming a better day.

so there's a little background on the situation, and here is hopefully what will bring some realization, for her, and some peace, for me, since i've finally spoken my piece.....

 SENT JUST NOW.....

good, jenni, that's what you need to do, and it's all you CAN do to get better. i just want to point out that you didn't NEED to hear anything, from me or anyone. this is about YOU. just you. and EVERYTHING you NEED comes from the Earth and our world, you are given oxygen and water, you have access to food. as for anything else you NEED right now, or ever, it's all within. no one can do this for you. you have to do it for YOU, and you have to do it right.

you will not die if i do not talk to you. or anyone, for that matter. you will not die if you do not get acknowledgment from other people all the time, if you don't constantly get "love" or whatever it is that you want in the moment. in fact, by crying and demanding and causing yourself and others emotional distress over these unnecessary things, by constantly being negative and confrontational, mean and condescending, you are doing yourself a great disservice. you are trampling and crushing the most real thing you have, the most real thing anyone has.

you are disregarding the REAL love, the one that's ALWAYS there, the one that you never have to ask for, the one that is more important than any other love. you are denying gratitude for the breath we are gifted, the energy we are privileged to share. you are saying it's not enough! it's not what YOU want! if you just settle down, be quiet a while, open your heart and your mind, you will see. the greatest, truest love is never spoken. it's never a source of pain. it's never used against anyone. it never runs out, it's always there.

but until you take the time to fucking look around, FEEL around, be a real goddamn person, you will always cry out for someone to love you, you will always feel empty and like your existence is mediocre. you will always blame others for your shit. you will continue to hurt yourself and everyone around you. because you are too selfish, too demanding of everyone but yourself, too lazy to take just a minute to stop. shut the fuck up. quit judging every single little thing and give the manipulation a rest for a while. even if just for a minute. if you put aside whatever brainstorm you're working on in the moment about how to get what you want...it'll be there when you come back to it. but put all that fucked up, selfish, inconsiderate shit down for a minute and humble yourself.

humble yourself, jenni. do you know what that means? i know you do, everyone does deep down inside, but do you remember? do you remember that no one owes you anything? do you remember that it's YOUR responsibility to make your life right, you are the ONLY one who can. have you forgotten that there are 3 children out there who have to see you like this, what in the world are you doing for their future? the only thing you can truly do to inspire greatness in children, jen, is be a good role-model goddammit. to fucking love them, and do it without the 3 side orders of double crispy drama with extra grease and some anger sauce for dipping. Because you can love them all day, but that doesn't mean they don't see the bullshit. it doesn't mean that you aren't allowing the most formative years of their lives be polluted with toxic energy and frequent lessons on how to fuck their lives up as much as possible. you have to remember that even if you are doing the best you can for them right now, with your current situation, they haven't developed the things like reasoning and critical thinking that they NEED to be able to recognize that. To be able to see that you're doing the best you can but it's still not good enough, and it's not the way they should ever treat people or allow themselves to be treated. all they see is "this is how life is for mom..it's normal...so that's the way it is suppose to be." what the fuck do you expect of them if they grow up seeing their mother live this way? how do you expect them to know any better, to not be abusive, to not take abuse, to be decent fucking people?

humble yourself, sister. who are you to demand anything from anyone? how do you expect to be happy in life when you refuse to treat yourself, not to mention those who love you, with kindness, compassion and respect?? when you are blind to all the opportunity and beauty in this world that is passing you by as you're too busy scheming up the next plan to take advantage of others because you aren't willing to do anything for yourself, your fucking life is passing you by, too. second by second. and yeah, jen, there's  always tomorrow....but what if one day, tomorrow is taken away? guess what, yesterday's gone, too. you'll never get those seconds, those precious minutes back. humble yourself. don't let your space on this Earth just slip away. stand up and be responsible for yourself goddammit! and for your feelings! quit spending all of your energy and brilliance scamming for money and whatever else you want. be accountable for yourself, take responsibility. do something you enjoy, or at least get a job you can tolerate so you can start dedicating the time and energy you expend on getting money that you dont deserve, that you didn't work for,  that you hustle, scam and lie for, to your kids, and making a better life for them. showing them that they don't have to live that way, that it's NOT ok. stopping this shit before it gets embedded in their souls any more deeply than it already is. they deserve a fucking chance! and so do you, so give yourself permission, jenni. you'll feel better about yourself, things will get better, i promise!

i can't think of anything in the world that is more sinful than not acknowledging how blessed we all are, than not having gratitude for the love we are all wrapped in, every second of our lives. there is nothing we can do in this world that is worse than not honoring ourselves, loving ourselves and giving ourselves permission to be humble. if you stop and put down all the bullshit, jen, let go of all the judgment, blame, anger and shame, all the stories, just let it all fall away, you will feel the love. you will see it. you will witness something amazing, beautiful. you will be able to witness yourself as a part of something bigger, and you will see that you have a place in that too! the last thing i am going to say is that it is NOT easy. it gets easier with time, but i can't even say that SOMEDAY it will be "easy"...but it will be WORTH IT. in the meantime, YOU'RE worth it. 

so think about it. or don't, it's up to you. either way, at least keep trying to be better. i'll roll back around when the timing is right for me. until then, there is no question that i love you, with my whole heart. that is why i refuse to be witness to this in any way, i refuse to be an enabler, to stand by and comfort you when you know you're fuckin up. but if you're really trying, jenni, and you're really doing what's best, what's right, it won't be long before that beautiful light shines through all the bullshit, and before long,  all there will be is light, the shit will be gone. and everyone will see it from a million miles away. when i feel it, jen, i'll be back. but until then, i fucking hate getting shit on my shoes, so i'll keep my distance.

i believe in you, and i sure do love you. i'm holding space for you and cheering you on, from afar. if you listen hard enough, i know you can hear me in your heart. i'll always be right there. i believe in you, jenni. you can do it.



UPDATE: From Jenni on    March 6 at 9:34am  

i have me sky nate and ky. ive never been happier than i am right now. ill talk to you whenever you want to talk. what really spins my mind though is that the only people that dont really seem to want to be here is the people who live so far away and dont really know whats going on. all they know is what they hear. i love you. tty when i tty 

Group Interview=NEVER AGAIN

ORIGINALLY POSTED:   Sat Nov 7, 2009 8:32 pm   ON SHAKTI YAHOO COMMUNITY

First of all, thank you all for your reassuring and encouraging emails, messages and calls, and for holding space for me. It really helped me get through the day and actually go do something that had me literally shaking in my skin and on the verge of crying even as we pulled up to Good Vibrations. And thank you, Shannon, for responding, although I didn't get your message until I after I got home from the interview. I don't really know what to think about that right now, aparently my mind is on hiatus from logic currently. But it means a lot to hear from you, as always.

Anyways....I have been asked to post about the interview, and despite my strong desire to just curl up in a ball in my bed and hide, I feel that I owe it to everyone to tell the story of tonight, out of gratitude for your support, kindness and love. So here it is.

I have never experienced such a thing as a group interview before, in fact, I didn't even know that there was such a thing until today. I wish I still didn't. The next time I apply for a job and they say the 2 words GROUP INTERVIEW, I'm reply with the two words NO WAY. I think I feel worse right now than I did all day long leading up to this evening's trauma. But in a different way. I'm not nervous about doing something so triggering and scary, now I'm simply incredibly consciously aware of some things I already knew, but just hadn't fully faced yet. And reminded of a few things I don't want to think about.

I am almost 31 years old and I have no idea what the fuck I am doing.

I have gained so much weight since I quit using meth that none of my pants fit anymore, with the exception of 2 pairs of jeans and a pair of khaki pants...But I can't afford to pay my bills let alone buy some new clothes. It became painfully obvious to me tonight just how financially fucked I am right now when I couldn't find anything to wear that fit and that is interview appropriate. I immediately felt judged when I walked into the room with 8 or so other women all there for the same reason as I giving me the once over. Something tells me that the obvious ones probably didn't even realize they were telling me what they were thinking of me without even uttering a word. Normally I wouldn't give a shit, but I actually meant to wear something nicer, I just didn't have anything. My discomfort in this isn't related to how they perceived me, it's all about how I perceive me.

My mind goes blank whenever I am taking a test, it's simply something I have come to understand from taking college classes. But now, apparently, my mind has decided to fail me even when I simply feel as though I am BEING tested or put on the spot. End result = I feel incredibly stupid. (I have felt like that, I have always known that I am just a bad test taker despite being very intelligent) Great! That should definitely mix well with my feelings of inadequacy among other things.

I don't know who the fuck I am anymore. When I was using, I knew exactly who I was, and I was passionate and headstrong about it. Now I just feel uncertain and confused a lot.

I am 31 years old on December 28th.......But I don't view myself as an adult. I look at people around me and in my mind I call them grown ups. Kirsten Keach is a prime example of this. I'm SEVERAL YEARS older than she is. I feel like a little girl still. This is so weird to me. I wonder if my mind is just not right anymore or something. I could give a whole bunch of other examples of my mind doing this to me in the form of my behaviors, the way I communicate sometimes, the way I play and do art.....The list goes on and on, but this piece right here scares the crap out of me and I've had enough of it for tonight.

Jesus, none of this was even the point of this email. The interview. Well, basically, we all sat in a room and they asked up a bunch of questions. We had to write our responses in 10 words or less. There is no reason I should have problems doing this, it's not a bunch of academic stuff that I had to learn or memorize, it's all stuff about me. Who I am. And I KNOW that I know the answers to these questions, because I have answered them all before time and again. AND I even reviewed my worksheets from resume building class a few times, which were the same type of thing. But THIS time, my mind just went blank. And it took me a long time to be able to think of anything to write. So I got behind, which freaked me out because I knew I was failing, and they were watching. And they were watching as I was still filling in the answers for some time after they were done asking the questions and everyone else was done answering them. Which means I wasn't giving the person speaking my full attention, which is just NOT ok. Plus, every time I spoke, it just didn't feel like it came out right. Like my nerves were just short circuiting or something.

I don't know what happened. I DO know, though, that I wasn't impressed at all with myself, I feel like I failed myself, I'm so disappointed in myself because I KNOW I would be great for that job, it's right up my alley. And I invested a lot of time preparing for that interview, getting my resume to what I felt was as good as I could really get it specifically for that job. I also spent a lot of time researching the company, reading every page on their website, taking notes, getting prepared. Also, going over all my stuff from resume and job skills class. I also allowed a MAD amount of time for myself to get ready, usually I always have to rush because I tend to procrastinate or get distracted. But I didn't do that today, I was early and everything. Nervous and scared to death, yes, but I was not only on time, but at least 5 minutes early.

And I asked a question about the company from their website, something they didn't address, that showed I had done my homework. And I shook their hands and thanked them when I left. But I left knowing that I won't get that job. I can just feel it. And I left feeling even worse than before I went, but for different reasons. I don't want to deal with this!

I feel like I'm just trying to get by, trying really hard to do the right thing, and right now, I feel weak. And the last thing I want is to be kicked by whatever just kicked me. I feel like this knocked the wind out of me and I'm having a hard enough time already just breathing normally. This is fucking hard!

A RESPONSE FROM SHANNON!!!

"I don't know who the fuck I am anymore. When I was using, I knew exactly who I was, and I was passionate and headstrong about it. Now I just feel uncertain and confused a lot.

I am 31 years old on December 28th.......But I don't view myself as an adult. I look at people around me and in my mind I call them grown ups. Kirsten Keach is a prime example of this. I'm SEVERAL YEARS older than she is. I feel like a little girl still. This is so weird to me. I wonder if my mind is just not right anymore or something. I could give a whole bunch of other examples of my mind doing this to me in the form of my behaviors, the way I communicate sometimes, the way I play and do art.....The list goes on and on, but this piece right here scares the crap out of me and I've had enough of it for tonight."

your next line says somthing like "jesus, none of this is the point of this email.

Um, Jamie Lee, ALL of this is exactly the point of this entire situation, including the group interview.

This is it, honey, this is the piece to turn into in your recovery work. This is early recovery, and wow, you summed it up so beautifully, in all the pain, angst, confusion, fear, uncertainty. You've taken steps into the unknown, and now, guess what, you don't know. I'm very "proud" of you, if you will, and moved by your honesty.

There are many tangible ways to get support from your email that you wrote- that are smaller chunks than this entire thing (what I quoted above). Might I suggest you print the email and go over it with someone and pick out the places you can get tangible help and/or support? or tangible things to begin working on.

You go, lady, you're doing it.

Shannon

Someday?

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Thursday, September 10, 2009 

Is there such a thing as closure, really, when there is deep pain that seems impossible to heal? Is there such a thing as closure when there is more than 1 party involved, and only 1 person is really trying to let go? When you have a deep connection with someone, someone whom you dream about, and in your dreams you see them as they are now, not how they looked when you last saw them....How do we know these things?! does that connection ever let you rest, does it ever lessen, does it ever go away when it's unhealthy? How do we disconnect from these connections?

I hope I know someday. Because today I don't know, and it eats me up, I don't know how to process this.

A story.....I had a dream last week that my ex-boyfriend/lover/soulmate/partner/best friend/EVERYTHING is here in San Diego. Not that we talked, just that he is here, in my dream, I saw him from a ways away, and he didn't see me. I found out the next day that he is, in fact, in town for the first time since April, and I have not seen him since December. He moved to Portland. He is the last person on my unfinished business list. He's always held onto me saying "Forever is a long time, we'll be together again SOMEDAY." It's made me feel as though I am bound to him in some way. The last time he was in town, I knew before he called. I felt as though he was sitting next to me, like a ghost by my side, for 4 days. I would hear his voice in my mind, and look over but no one would be there. It tormented me. So when he called it was no surprise.

To bring it back to present.....3 nights ago I had another dream that I was face to face with him, talking. And in my dream the most vivid thing was that he had short hair and was clean shaven. Like when we first met. When I saw him last, in December, he had long hair and a beard. And when he called in April, he told me he still had that. But when I ran into him a few days ago, the day after my dream, I wasn't surprised to see him with short hair and clean shaven.

Why do I know these things! Why is he still so present in my life! Why can't I simply disconnect? Why do I feel as though it needs to come from both sides?! After this meeting, I feel so conflicted. He says one thing but I feel another, and I don't know why. He says he's finally willing to let me go, but I don't feel as though the connection has been severed. All that keeps repeating in my mind and heart is SOMEDAY! Maybe SOMEDAY it'll be clear, it'll feel better! Practice patience! Be compassionate with myself! Believe in myself! But my heart hurts, and something I wrote for him so long ago keeps playing in my mind.....

"On this most recent full moon, the 9th of May 2009, a bright Saturday night, I gave up all that binds me, which I always called mine, that was never truly my own, gave it away, free to go, finally, anywhere it belongs. I've committed to the spiritual as opposed to the physical, the future instead of the past, bound mindfully to the present. There is no such thing as forever, I AM today, and in this moment, the only thing that's real, I'm present. I am HERE. I am ALIVE. I'm never looking back, only moving forward. Floating away, wherever my energy takes me. I'm committed. I believe."

But it's hard to believe when it feels like I want to achieve this thing, I've tried to achieve this thing, I've tried to let it go, I've written that I've let it go, I meant to let it go, but it never goes..HE never goes despite what he says..He ALWAYS comes back, whether spiritually or physically and he knows it...So, someday? SOMEDAY?! Fuck someday, what about ME....TODAY?

[Always have, always will. I'm Just Jamie.]

Love What You've Got Today...Re-Lived, Even More Up Close and Personal-Bruti's Reminder

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Tuesday, June 02, 2009 

"Love what you've got today. Days go by and things are usual and
comfortable, we grow accustomed to this and take the most special parts
of our lives for granted. Because the most special things are almost
always the things that are always there, the things we love, that love
us. I have found through all of this that I am guilty. I have often
taken advantage of the comfort that my most cherished things will be
there when I get home, and the days will continue to slip by just as
they have. It's a dangerous mistake. There may always be
tomorrow...But, if there isn't, yesterday is gone too. I don't want to
let the days slip by anymore..."
The Reality: Love What You've Got Today, originally written by myself for Princess the White Boxer, who was the girl of my close friend Franny. We lost Prinny to cancer a few years ago, it was and is something that affects me deeply, so close to home. And now this is revisited on an even more personal level, the lesson I learned so invaluable, I have to pay homage, have to be mindful.

The days that have passed since I woke up Friday, to the sound of my little girl vomiting on the floor next to my bed, have been some of the hardest I have ever lived. Yes, ever, in all the things I have experienced in my life, this definitely rates up at the top of the list of "The Worst Things I Have Ever Been Through" and it reminds me, there's no way it couldn't, of something a few years ago that took me a long time to deal with, a long time to put away. In retrospect, I shouldn't have ever completely put that away, there are some things so painful...We want to forget. But I am beginning to believe it's these things we should keep closest, to remind us to be mindful, life is so short and the days go by so fast. I want to make every day, every second, every THING the best it can be, no regrets that way...When you do your best and give it all you've got. I have no regrets, more importantly, I don't want any, either.

Friday morning, I woke up early, Butch and Bruti were already awake so I let them out and prepared their breakfast. When they came inside I went back to bed, assuming they would eat and then come in as they always do. Bruti came into my room much sooner than normal, but I was drifting along, neither awake nor asleep, somewhere in a half dream in between. She started trying to get my attention, I could hear her pacing and coming toward the edge of my bed and then away, again and again, sorta whining just a little, I told myself she was being a brat, she wanted up in the bed with me as she often does so I ignored her, I wasn't ready to dismiss my half dream to get up and let her in the bed with me. But I should have known, shouldn't have dismissed her behavior, her persistance with me was obvious, she never tries that hard, she really doesn't ever bother me for anything, she's a very good girl. And then I heard it..The warm, wet sound that you can't ever mistake, a sound that makes your stomach almost turn....Vomit making contact with the hardwood floor.

I was up instantly, "Oh Bru! What's wrong, PuppyGirl? Ohhhh nooooo! Come here little one," and she tried, took a step and a half and started heaving again. "Something's wrong, something's wrong," whispers through my mind, but all I could focus on is how bad I felt for not acknowledging her when she was trying to rouse me, she just wanted out. Poor puppy daughter, poor sweet Bru. So we headed toward the back door, she out into the yard heaving, and me to get cleaning supplies. The day, the entire day went on just like this, and Friday night most of the night, more of the same. Bru heaving, me cleaning. Water...Vomit, too much movement...Vomit, for no reason...Vomit. Bru hadn't eaten since Thursday night and hadn't kept any water down since then either. She couldn't get comfortable, just when you thought she was going to settle down, she would jump up and pace around, quickly, uncertainly. She wanted to be held but couldn't sit still. She fought sleep so hard that I had to pull an old school Baby Bru trick outta my hat and rub circles around her ears to get her down. When I did, I thought to myself that she would sleep it off, whatever it was. But even as she slept, she woke up a number of times heaving, throwing up on me, since she was sleeping with her head on my chest, twice. It didn't matter, it would wash off. My girl...After vomiting 13 or 14 times, I was wondering what could be wrong with my girl.

Saturday...She woke up a little happier. She drank a little water, refused food, as she had done on Friday, but drank a little water and didn't throw up. I went to the store, for pedialite and some eggs for her, she likes eggs and they're bland, and pedialite just to help rehydrate. Happy that she seemed better, I didn't worry about what had upset her the day before. When I got home, to my dismay, it started again. So now it was over 24 hours since she really hadn't been able to keep anything down, even water. 24 hours seems like an eternity when one of the most important things in your life is sick and hurting...But can't tell you what's wrong. My stress level nearly reached the panic stage when she threw up A LOT of watery fluid the color of healthy grass when I knew there was nothing in her stomach. She'd already thrown it all up. It was time to go to the puppy hospital.

Around 1:30 or so we went to the hospital in La Mesa. Something was on our side for that, they weren't busy at all, we didn't have too wait long. When the Dr came in I was sitting on the floor crosslegged, with Bru in my lap, her head resting on my shoulder. He looked like he wasn't expecting that, but to my surprise and approval, he sat on the floor as well when we started talking, eye to eye with us. He listened and was very interested in her lifestyle and the care I give her, and was very happy with the information I gave him, about that and the details of what had been going on the last couple of days. He wanted to do xrays and blood work. Fine. He wanted to take her into another room for all of that, and obvioiusly for the xrays that's necessary, but I wasn't going to let him have anyone put needles in my little girl if I wasn't present, and although he told me that was the rule, he made an exception and bent the rule for us, sending a lab tech in to get the blood. Then they took her to xray.

It really didn't take long until the doctor returned with Bruti, and they had the results ready really quickly. The doctor explained that in situations like this, we actually hope for no diagnosis, for no sign of pancreantitis or some liver problem that's apparently common, and that the dog just responds to whatever treatment and gets better, in which case we could presume it was the flu or something. Her xrays didn't show anything abnormal, I had thought she was constipated because she had been straining really hard to go potty, but nothing would happen. That can cause vomiting if things get too backed up. That wasn't the case. No blockage or tumors or anything. Blood work was mostly normal, with the exception of a few things that could have been from dehydration, but nothing to really go off of. No diagnosis. Just what we were told to hope for.

So, there was now the issue of treatment. Obviously, the Dr recommended that she be admitted and kept on an IV over night, there was obviously the risk of severe dehydration. But Bru is never away from us...I couldn't do that to any of us. We're like 3 peas in a pod...And peas don't change their pods. The vet was expecting this, and told me that, although he never offers it as an option, especially in situations like ours, there was outpatient treatment. He said that upon seeing her with me and hearing about her lifestyle, he would be ok with allowing that, but wanted to give her fluid under her skin, to combat dehydration, as well as a shot for the nausea. There's a time and a place for pharmaceuticals, even for those of us that do not use them, and obviously I accepted. I was just so glad to be taking her home with me. So, $550 and 6+ hours later, I left the puppy hospital with my poor little hunchback Bru, (They put the fluid under the skin in the shoulder area, LoL) no diagnosis, and instructions on how to care for her. At the bottom the doctor wrote, "Thank you for taking such good care of Bruti, she is a very sweet dog." Even now, just as it did the first time, reading or even thinking it makes me cry. She's my everything, of course I do all I can for her, she counts on me. She loves ME..I LOVE her. More than life.

The last few days have been trying. She's holding water down but not drinking enough. She sleeps nonstop. She's still feverish, and in 5 days she's only accepted 4 tablespoons of the chicken and rice that I am allowed to give her. I find myself spending a lot of time watching her sleep, the rise and fall of her ribcage...Watching her gradually get thinner. Begging her to eat, please drink more Bruti! I cry a lot, I'm not ready for this, not ready for anything with her unless it's happy. She's my one reliable, unconditional love. She's never let me down, I've always been able to count on her. Through some of the hardest times in my life, she was my rock, she kept me here. 6.5 years, the best and worst times of my life, just me and her. And Butchy for 5 of those years, but Butchy loves everyone. Bruti's like.....My palest shadow, my flag, my soul embodied outside of my self. She's my everything, and to see her like this is crushing.

I can only
say..It's humbling to hold something you love more than anything when the
future's uncertain, looking down at her sleeping in my arms reminds me that these 6.5 years haven't been enough..I'll never ever ever have enough of Bruti. I think back over the time, have I really appreciated it? Yes. But can you ever appreciate it enough??!.....So..Love what you've got today, because yesterday's
gone..And tomorrow may never come. Love truly, love deeply, love
fiercely & boundlessly, but most of all, love consciously &
outwardly. Do it NOW. Be mindful of the opportunity you have, time is short, there's never enough. It will never be enough.

True love NEVER dies, but....

Please let my girl get well now.

Broken Heart Shaped World, The Emotional Bankruptcy of a Girl

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Monday, March 19, 2007 

No, I don't feel sorry for myself. Not at all. I am not angry, regretful, bitter, resentful...No, none of these. I do not wish harm or unhappiness to you, as I think of you, I focus no negativity, I feel no hate, I have no ill will, I am not spiteful...Ahhhhh, I could spend days listing all the things I am not, maybe to convince you, perhaps some would say to reassure myself, whatever the perception may be....But, regardless of the intent, I don't think it's working. It's not working. So, a new approach. Here is what I AM.

I am adrift, at sea and alone. I am searching for solace, in my most reliable source I find none. I long to retreat, hide in myself, but my most cherished comfort is gone. I can't, I can't, I can't...Live in a broken heart shaped world, all on my own.....For the first time in my life, I can't stand to be just me, all by myself...just Jamie. Without you, I am alone. More than alone.

Something happened with you, something different. You inspired me so, you impressed me more than I ever imagined anyone could. More than anything, you gave to me. Encouragement, you were my muse...You planted seeds...Fractions of ideas, you triggered my interest, then you let me run with them, just to watch them grow. You watched me grow. You made me feel as though.....You were proud.....Like I was proud.

But most of all, you gave me understanding. Something altogether new to me. For the first time, I felt as though I really wasn't meant to walk this earth alone. The things about me that make me different...You showed me we had these things in common. The things that made me distance myself from others, you embraced. So openly, so eagerly....So it was easy for me, so easy...To give you me. Just me, completely, with no return receipt. I gave you my heart shaped world.

So often I felt like you wanted to be there, live there with me, I have thought that this happened for a good reason, everything happens for a reason...I believed it was my time. You found me...You looked at me with adoring eyes, said all the endearing things...Things I only dreamed of. And always wondered if they were real. You stole my heart. Even after I told you about me, all about me. Please be careful, please I asked...Maybe still, even with all of that, maybe you just didn't realize the depth. How deeply my soul goes, how real I was. In a way, I tried to, well, warn you, I suppose. Maybe you just didn't see.

Of course....Yes, we both made mistakes. I gave so much, and expected the same in return. That is one way I went wrong. I realize now that I can't expect what I give to be what I receive. What I gave was a gift...I should have never expected the same in return. Of course you will only give to me what you want to give, I learned a painful yet valuable lesson. I can't expect anyone to be like me, we are all our own.

Yes, you said, take it slow. Slow. I heard you, every word you said, EVERY word. I guess I didn't realize the value of some things in relation to others. You said take it slow....But...You said so many other things, all the things I wanted, needed to hear. You swam in the deep blue sea of my emotions, you encouraged my reciprocal nature, you welcomed more, asked for more....And I gave it to you. I meant it, too, with all my heart, all my dedication, all my soul.

Actions and words in life are transactions, there are so many forms of currency. I must be careful to never "pay" more for anything than it is "worth", not in a literal "value" sense, but in a "what can I EXPECT in return" sense, or of course, I risk feeling taken advantage of. And that would be my fault alone. I must also be aware of the fact that every action and word is extended in the understanding of the giver....Not the perception I bestow upon it. So much can be lost in translation.

I gave myself to you so completely, and now.......Now that I am alone, I feel incomplete. Uncomfortable, misunderstood, uncertain, empty, alone.....Alone, not in my previous comfort zone of alone, but alone, as though I don't know where even I have gone. But I do. I am with you. I gave that part of me to you, and I don't think I will ever come back, it's where I feel I belong. This is my emotional bankruptcy.

I gave to you so much. Perhaps more than I had to give, certainly more than you were ready for. You meant so much to me, it was easy. I wanted to give you my world, you made it a heart shaped world, for the first time in my life. And I wanted to give it to you, share it, grow together, you and me, together.....And now, I can't take it back. I can't take me back. And now, I have nothing. Bankrupt.

The worst part...It's like repossession. I put so much into something, only to lose it. I lost you, us... me. Now....Now I have lost everything....And I am frightened by the idea that I will never get it back, I will never recover what I invested...But you took back what I was investing in, unfortunately, I can't take back what I invested.

You will never understand, or maybe you will, maybe you do...Perhaps you feel the same way, this is wrong...So wrong. How in the world could it be right, two people with so much in common, and such a connection...On such a personal level, so intimately, going separate ways. Never the less, here I am and there you are.

I realize I take everything so seriously, too seriously most people say. To me, it is serious. All the things I have experienced in life....Life is serious to me. We have all been through "Life" and we all become who we are as a result of our experiences. You always said the past predicts the future. I think....The past creates the present, and people create the future. I said, Things don't change....People change, and then change things. I know that I am who I am today because of the past. I will be who I become....Because of today...And yesterday, all the days.

Ultimately, hopefully, I will probably recover....But I will never be the same. And I will always, always, always feel an emptiness, where I once was, and where you were, too. I wonder if your energy will ever leave me, if you will leave my dreams, if all the strange coincidences that occur daily, time after time, will stop eventually. My soul is tormented, I wonder how to move on....When you are always here. Lonely. I miss you.