ORIGINALLY POSTED: Sat Nov 7, 2009 8:32 pm ON SHAKTI YAHOO COMMUNITY
First of all, thank you all for your reassuring and encouraging emails, messages and calls, and for holding space for me. It really helped me get through the day and actually go do something that had me literally shaking in my skin and on the verge of crying even as we pulled up to Good Vibrations. And thank you, Shannon, for responding, although I didn't get your message until I after I got home from the interview. I don't really know what to think about that right now, aparently my mind is on hiatus from logic currently. But it means a lot to hear from you, as always.
Anyways....I have been asked to post about the interview, and despite my strong desire to just curl up in a ball in my bed and hide, I feel that I owe it to everyone to tell the story of tonight, out of gratitude for your support, kindness and love. So here it is.
I have never experienced such a thing as a group interview before, in fact, I didn't even know that there was such a thing until today. I wish I still didn't. The next time I apply for a job and they say the 2 words GROUP INTERVIEW, I'm reply with the two words NO WAY. I think I feel worse right now than I did all day long leading up to this evening's trauma. But in a different way. I'm not nervous about doing something so triggering and scary, now I'm simply incredibly consciously aware of some things I already knew, but just hadn't fully faced yet. And reminded of a few things I don't want to think about.
I am almost 31 years old and I have no idea what the fuck I am doing.
I have gained so much weight since I quit using meth that none of my pants fit anymore, with the exception of 2 pairs of jeans and a pair of khaki pants...But I can't afford to pay my bills let alone buy some new clothes. It became painfully obvious to me tonight just how financially fucked I am right now when I couldn't find anything to wear that fit and that is interview appropriate. I immediately felt judged when I walked into the room with 8 or so other women all there for the same reason as I giving me the once over. Something tells me that the obvious ones probably didn't even realize they were telling me what they were thinking of me without even uttering a word. Normally I wouldn't give a shit, but I actually meant to wear something nicer, I just didn't have anything. My discomfort in this isn't related to how they perceived me, it's all about how I perceive me.
My mind goes blank whenever I am taking a test, it's simply something I have come to understand from taking college classes. But now, apparently, my mind has decided to fail me even when I simply feel as though I am BEING tested or put on the spot. End result = I feel incredibly stupid. (I have felt like that, I have always known that I am just a bad test taker despite being very intelligent) Great! That should definitely mix well with my feelings of inadequacy among other things.
I don't know who the fuck I am anymore. When I was using, I knew exactly who I was, and I was passionate and headstrong about it. Now I just feel uncertain and confused a lot.
I am 31 years old on December 28th.......But I don't view myself as an adult. I look at people around me and in my mind I call them grown ups. Kirsten Keach is a prime example of this. I'm SEVERAL YEARS older than she is. I feel like a little girl still. This is so weird to me. I wonder if my mind is just not right anymore or something. I could give a whole bunch of other examples of my mind doing this to me in the form of my behaviors, the way I communicate sometimes, the way I play and do art.....The list goes on and on, but this piece right here scares the crap out of me and I've had enough of it for tonight.
Jesus, none of this was even the point of this email. The interview. Well, basically, we all sat in a room and they asked up a bunch of questions. We had to write our responses in 10 words or less. There is no reason I should have problems doing this, it's not a bunch of academic stuff that I had to learn or memorize, it's all stuff about me. Who I am. And I KNOW that I know the answers to these questions, because I have answered them all before time and again. AND I even reviewed my worksheets from resume building class a few times, which were the same type of thing. But THIS time, my mind just went blank. And it took me a long time to be able to think of anything to write. So I got behind, which freaked me out because I knew I was failing, and they were watching. And they were watching as I was still filling in the answers for some time after they were done asking the questions and everyone else was done answering them. Which means I wasn't giving the person speaking my full attention, which is just NOT ok. Plus, every time I spoke, it just didn't feel like it came out right. Like my nerves were just short circuiting or something.
I don't know what happened. I DO know, though, that I wasn't impressed at all with myself, I feel like I failed myself, I'm so disappointed in myself because I KNOW I would be great for that job, it's right up my alley. And I invested a lot of time preparing for that interview, getting my resume to what I felt was as good as I could really get it specifically for that job. I also spent a lot of time researching the company, reading every page on their website, taking notes, getting prepared. Also, going over all my stuff from resume and job skills class. I also allowed a MAD amount of time for myself to get ready, usually I always have to rush because I tend to procrastinate or get distracted. But I didn't do that today, I was early and everything. Nervous and scared to death, yes, but I was not only on time, but at least 5 minutes early.
And I asked a question about the company from their website, something they didn't address, that showed I had done my homework. And I shook their hands and thanked them when I left. But I left knowing that I won't get that job. I can just feel it. And I left feeling even worse than before I went, but for different reasons. I don't want to deal with this!
I feel like I'm just trying to get by, trying really hard to do the right thing, and right now, I feel weak. And the last thing I want is to be kicked by whatever just kicked me. I feel like this knocked the wind out of me and I'm having a hard enough time already just breathing normally. This is fucking hard!
A RESPONSE FROM SHANNON!!!
"I don't know who the fuck I am anymore. When I was using, I knew exactly who I was, and I was passionate and headstrong about it. Now I just feel uncertain and confused a lot.
I am 31 years old on December 28th.......But I don't view myself as an adult. I look at people around me and in my mind I call them grown ups. Kirsten Keach is a prime example of this. I'm SEVERAL YEARS older than she is. I feel like a little girl still. This is so weird to me. I wonder if my mind is just not right anymore or something. I could give a whole bunch of other examples of my mind doing this to me in the form of my behaviors, the way I communicate sometimes, the way I play and do art.....The list goes on and on, but this piece right here scares the crap out of me and I've had enough of it for tonight."
your next line says somthing like "jesus, none of this is the point of this email.
Um, Jamie Lee, ALL of this is exactly the point of this entire situation, including the group interview.
This is it, honey, this is the piece to turn into in your recovery work. This is early recovery, and wow, you summed it up so beautifully, in all the pain, angst, confusion, fear, uncertainty. You've taken steps into the unknown, and now, guess what, you don't know. I'm very "proud" of you, if you will, and moved by your honesty.
There are many tangible ways to get support from your email that you wrote- that are smaller chunks than this entire thing (what I quoted above). Might I suggest you print the email and go over it with someone and pick out the places you can get tangible help and/or support? or tangible things to begin working on.
You go, lady, you're doing it.
Shannon
