F day 85, I'm over it and it's over anyways. Day 86 here I am..

ORIGINALLY POSTED:   Fri, Aug 28, 2009 at 12:41 AM    ON SHAKTI YAHOO COMMUNITY

So, this is my maiden post here on the Shakti Community group, so ahoy, friends, and to the folks I don't know, my name is Jamie Lee, and it is now 7 minutes into the 86th day of my recovery from a 15 year drug addiction, but moreover, all the shit I just have never been capable of processing appropriately. 

It's scary shit, feeling all these feelings. Seriously, truly FEELING them consciously and trying to cope with it. I'm tired, and scared.

I felt for so long that I was just floating by, that shit just happened to me and I couldn't help it, I had nothing to do with it in some way, while (oddly enough) still realizing that it was my actions that made them happen, still, always thinking, "It doesn't happen to everyone, so why me, why did I have the bad luck?"

But now, I don't see it like that anymore, it wasn't luck, it just was what it was. I see all this differently now, and the scariest thing is NOT figuring out that I have reaped what I have sown and that's just the way it is, what did I expect, instead it's realizing that I can do anything I want to do, and that I always get what I want..And always have been able to...

It's just that I have always chosen things that weren't the RIGHT things, you know? It's scary to feel so empowered, and to realize what I am capable of. ANYTHING! It feels like so much responsibility. Ugh! I'm just gonna keep on going, even when days like today, days where I don't FEEL like it, consume me with the undeniable desire to just turn it all off for a while.



So, where am I? Returning from a week long hiatus. No, I didn't relapse, I find myself definitely NOT wanting to use but trying to justify why I should not go to group or Shakti in general, finding other things to fill the void or occupy my time...Because this work takes everything I've got so often. Dealing with all the emotions exhausts me, not to mention that reaching 90 days without smoking crystal meth even 1 time is a pretty big milestone that taxes my energy even more. 

And with the fact that I haven't been feeling well this last week and am dealing with some scary health concerns, which include fatigue on an incredibly noticeable and disheartening level, I feel extremely tapped out. Like I just need to step back and put it all away for a minute, a day, a week, whatever it takes until I am back to my usual hyper as hell self, when I have the energy to take this all on like I want to. When I can give it 100% like I always try to do. 



But....Then I have dreams of using, actually getting high, I get my runes read and the story they tell is horrendous, synchronicity is all around me, and all these things point to Shakti, tell me to get myself back to the safety of my sisters, my friends, even though I'm tired and SICK of dealing with myself, and don't want to look in the mirror right now, don't want to go anywhere that I have to look at this.

So here I am, I made it to only 1 group this week and nothing else, but here I am. Gotta keep moving, no rest for the wicked, or is it weary, or maybe it's just me. LoL. I'm tired and can't keep track anymore of my thoughts this eve.

Maybe I'll sleep soon.