"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

***A Quote From The Velveteen Rabbit


Starting Over {Complete honesty with yourself is the way to get what you really want and need.}

FIRST POSTED:  Wednesday, April 23, 2008  

Note:This is an ongoing blog story, a journey of a girl searching for love.

Time goes on, the smoke from the burning bridges has mostly cleared, the rain has come and extinguished the fire of emotions. Enough restless days and lonely, sleepless nights have gone by, and over time, the realization that what's been done is the right thing finally settled in a bit. It's a sad, hard reality, but no matter how much I loved him, OR we loved each other, neither of us were happy, it's better this way. The aching inside was nearly suffocating, the memories endlessly daunting, the failure has been hard to swallow, but it's better this way, it's better this way. And the more time passed, the easier the days became, and I've moved on. The truest form of love, I suppose, is doing what's best when it feels the worst. And this certainly DID feel the worst, but I've moved on. It IS best this way.

Mostly forgotten personal values begin to creep back from the spiderwebs of my mind...Self confidence from the understanding that this was the correct decision, independence since there is no one else to consider first, the serenity that grows as stress lessens.....Relief. The relief that it's over, and a certainty that none of this will be my concern forever, my hope that perhaps it won't be much longer, final closure is within my grasp, my soul's full recovery is imminent. My heart's freedom has been regained...And thankfully there is little left to do in order to put all of this behind me, completely. I'm all on my own, all on my own.

It's long past time for MY time, but it's never too late, no matter how far overdue. Introspect is a dear old friend of mine, that it was dismissed for so long is quite a shame. I've welcomed it like a long lost friend I have missed tremendously, this opportunity for true reflection. So many questions, things to consider. How did we go so painfully wrong? What could I have done to better accommodate the needs of our relationship? Was I giving too much or was it not enough? How much truth is there in the things he said that hurt the most? They wouldn't have stung so badly if there weren't some truth to them. What can I learn from him/us/this and how can I evolve and become better? I don't want to go through anything like this ever EVER again, I am determined to take as much as I can from this experience, understand it, and apply it to myself. I want to give myself every chance to be successful in life....And love. Everyday, just a little better.

Moreover...How can I make myself stronger, and learn to avoid the same mistakes? What do I want in life? What do I truly truly need? How can I achieve my goals? I want to live my dream.

Reality has suddenly become very clear. There is one thing that bothers me most from all of this. I can learn from the mistakes I believe I've made, I can grow, and I have. Time will mend my wounds, I'm still a whole person, I was never less. I can recover the confidence that was somehow lost along the way, and never again will I lose it. I'm beginning to believe in myself and my dreams again, I know that I'm not asking too much, it's a matter of patience and diligence. I'm confident about all of this.

But one thing I really want is to love......and to be loved. I'm actually convinced that this is something I NEED, but not in an unhealthy way, not right this second, and definitely not if it isn't fulfilling to me as well as the other person. I've simply realized I do want to find that one person, THE one person I could spend my life with. Share life with. Build a life with. Finally I'm ready to work on settling down, find happiness in love, be comfortable. I don't want to spend my life alone. No one should be alone. Happiness, love comfort.

Funny thing to note here.....To me, it's just one more indication that your energy opens doors for you when you truly realize and embrace your deepest feelings. I started writing this blog a while back. I originally titled it "Starting Over (Why I Hate the Thought of Dating)" and kept it personal for some reason, I guess I knew somehow I wasn't quite finished writing it yet. And perhaps I still am not, as I am writing now the third update in this saga. But, since admitting not only in writing, but consciously to myself, as well, how I truly feel about love and what I'm honestly looking for, a few things have happened that make me believe even more that everything happens for a reason, and we all end up EXACTLY where we are suppose to be, eventually.

After posting the initial diary entry of this blog story, I met someone, dated them a few times. They gave me a great place to have my birthday party, and they tried really hard to keep me...But it wasn't meant to be. The energy of the universe was determined for all the little discrepancies and non-truths to be out in the open, for me not to ignore the signs. It was too bad. But it was a great stepping stone emotionally for me, staying true to myself even when someone else is doing their best to be convincing in their intentions. It didn't feel right, and I wasn't giving in.

And then I met someone else....Someone that I have a LOT in common with....Someone fun and super cute and interesting....And the fire burned at about a million degrees.....for about a few weeks. LOL! I guess that's the way it goes sometimes. The easy way out with that was that the boy's phone got broken...And apparently he doesn't email, haha, so I didn't hear from him for almost 2 weeks. So by the time he came around to getting a new phone and messaging me to hang out, it was easy to cut the ties. I was already displaced from the comfort of the situation.

I had a date with another boy, a first date, with someone I'd never met in real life. He made the decision to cancel on me the day of our plans......

And thank god. Because that was when the universe smacked me with something I was beginning to doubt was real. He didn't just walk into my life and say "Here I am." He was already there, for something like a year, in the background, chasing and waiting. Quietly. And I knew it, but wasn't sure either of us was ready. Because he is different...Like I am different. But cosmically the energy of the universes of 2 people finally aligned, ready or not. Here we come.

He is someone outspoken about his own desires in life and love, and what he's been looking for in the girl he wants to experience these things with. I've looked for the same things in my search for my guy. To me, it's the strange things like this - being with someone that recites almost exactly my values and desires as his own, without even knowing these things about me - that are the biggest things, the stuff that matters most.

I feel so fortunate. Simply to finally walk next to someone that can put a smile on my face with such ease, someone that arrived just when I needed a little reminder that humanity is not all so bad, so I should not lose all faith. Someone happy to have just me, as happy as I am to have just them. It's reciprocal, this new relationship, in everything we've experienced so far. Maybe, just maybe.... We'll see. It's easy to not rush, when there's a mutual comfort and understanding that needs not be spoken. And it's easy to take things as they come, and not worry about the proper time line when you just feel each other. Timing is everything. And what will be will be.

And what will be......Determines what won't be, as well. I believe in acceptance, having an open mind, compromising when it's appropriate, when it's reciprocal....But I don't believe that people should compromise their integrity. Their key ideals, their deepest beliefs. And on the same note, I don't think that others should disrespect or discredit these things about their mates.

The last time, for the first time, starting over was just what I wanted to do. I welcomed my new love, I'd been waiting for him...It's true. An incredible person, wonderful and amazing, intelligent, driven, headstrong and inspiring. There's nothing wrong with him....It's just that we are too different. His ideals and what drives him are opposite my own. To the point that compromising about it would mean adjusting my own standards and beliefs, in a deep and emotional way. In a way I am not willing to redirect them. I would have to accept things that hurt or frighten me in the deepest part of my soul, things I have never been able to adjust myself to. So that is that. And it is what it is. We are still friends. Which is just where we started. I can deal with that.

I'm a true romantic at heart. I have been looking for the person that's as crazy about me as I am about them, the person that IT just happens with effortlessly, but that realizes how much effort it takes to build an empire. Someone with the same values as me, that will allow me to make them the most important person in my life and award me the same. Someone loyal and kind, honest, considerate, some one to walk next to. Someone that's proud of me and supportive, encouraging and that will share my triumphs as well as my shortcomings. And allow me to share in their's. Don't think for a second I'm asking for anything I'm not willing and happy to give in return. Equality in love.

Who knows what the future will bring. There is so much to do. So many things to say. But for the moment, I'm going to let this one ride, and see where it takes me. Who knows? Maybe I WILL end up keeping a promise and marrying DC when I turn 35, because maybe we'll both still be unmarried. But I doubt that. I KNOW my person, the person for me is near. I just know, because what I am asking for is not too much.

And I am worth it.


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