"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

***A Quote From The Velveteen Rabbit


Happy as I Wanna Be

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Tuesday, April 10, 2007 

I am no good at baseball, and even worse at softball, which sucks, because sometimes life throws you a curve ball. Who knows why, maybe to show you something you were unaware of previously; perhaps it is for the entertainment of someone or something out there watching us, as sick as that sounds, as we are unaware; then there is always at least one person who claims it is due to nothing, just a random event; could it be to teach us a lesson; or could it be karmic payback?

I don't know exactly why this happens, but I do know that I don't think that there is any such thing as random occurrence. I believe that everything happens for a reason, I believe in destiny, fate. What will be will be. I believe that everyone eventually ends up exactly where they are suppose to end up, one way or another, no matter what.

Yes, in this life we all have choices to make. We all have to make decisions that shape our current situations as well as our futures. I believe that as we travel along the paths of life, side by side sometimes, yet still alone, we must make choices, and it is these choices that determine how difficult our pilgrimage will be, how easily we will reach our mecca. But we will all reach our destination, eventually.

Since this is my belief, I am forced to admit that in my life, until quite recently, I have made bad choices. Consistently. This is my comfort zone, and as much as it doesn't make any sense to say this, in a way, I guess I have felt that at least I knew what to expect. Even if that is just knowing that I can expect more unhappiness and discomfort, more personal disappointment as well as disappointment for the ones that care about me. As hard as it is to admit that, I can't deny it, I must embrace it.

So what do you do when life throws you a curve ball, and, like something from a dream, you watch the ball speeding toward you, in slow motion. You watch the ball as you swing the bat, you see the ball. You see the ball connect with your bat, connect with the sweet spot. You feel an earthquake move through your body, the sound of the bat and ball colliding pierces your eardrums, it's deafening, like the report of a gun, tremors still shaking your arms as the ball hurtles through the air away from your bat. But still, the tremors don't stop. And your ears still ring. It's so surreal, your eyes long to blink, stinging from dryness and strain, but you can't tear them from the ball, it may be gone in that split second that you look away. It's like a very real feeling dream. Did it really happen?

Something is different. Something out of my comfort zone has recently taken place. I have used good decision making skills for once, and everything is different. Like a pebble breaking the glassy still surface of a quiet pond when a child tosses it in, ripples and ripples, spreading far and wide, ripples of change. The living things in the pond are scared, they dart away, startled. Sometimes I wish I would run away, scared, I think of hiding. But something keeps me near, I can't even turn away or close my eyes.

Is destiny calling me, Jamie Lee...Jamie Lee...

Nothing is wrong, nothing in my world is wrong right now.

This is the single most frightening thing I have ever experienced.


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