"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

***A Quote From The Velveteen Rabbit


Where I Am, Where Do I Want To Be?


This week, as many of you already know, has been a hard one for me. And yes, although I have been clean from meth for 102 days, I did relapse on alcohol this week. There, I said it. 

I didn't like it Friday night when a fellow apprentice told others that I had relapsed on alcohol immediately after I told her. She asked me a question and I was honest in my answer, and yes, it's true that Shakti is open with issues like these, that they are public knowledge. But I feel like I deserved the opportunity to own my relapse, to tell the others myself, and that's something I still feel. I thought everyone deserved a chance to tell their "shit" first, and if in good time it hadn't been done, then out with it from anyone who may know. To me, 15 minutes or so just doesn't seem like "good time."

However, in retrospect, I recognize that I am not necessarily the authority on situations like these. I mean, if it was going to be known, who cares where it came from, right? God, I wish it were that simple, I wish all of this were simple, but nothing in life right now is easy. Or simple for that matter. 

This is all I've got right now, I'm spent. Another long day in a short life.


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