"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

***A Quote From The Velveteen Rabbit


About a Girl...A New Chapter

ORIGINALLY POSTED:  Monday, October 19, 2009

Sometimes I drink to stifle my feelings
I know it's wrong but I don't always wanna think about that
And more often I just don't care enough not to
Often I don't want to sit with what I feel
But I'm always I'm addicted to my shit
I never fail to get mad when someone tries to caretake me and take some responsibility for what I am going through
Because it's always mine
I'm very selfish like that
Sometimes the urge to smoke meth is almost unbearable
I always think that 15 years is long enough to have an addiction
But sometimes I don't care
And at the same time, I practice not committing to that desire
And I am sure that all of these things can exist at the same time
I always want to smoke a cigarette
But I'm also always trying to quit
I never buy cigarettes anymore
I know that's the first step
I always long for that special someone
But the desire's even stronger when I listen to music with a piano
And when I drink
And sometimes even when I am just sitting with myself
It's really always there
Such a strong feeling of need
Need to do something with myself that involves another
I find myself wondering why I haven't found that person yet
And then I remember.....I'm not fucking ready
But still I always want it
And sometimes I even cry for it
But more often I cry for myself
Not out of pity but out of relief
Even though sometimes I don't want to feel, I love knowing that I am alive
Sometimes I am shy
Yes, me, even I am shy
I am uncertain, I'm learning who I am
Without my best friend, my addiction, I am someone completely different than I have thought for so many years
I require a lot of patience
Sometimes I act out
I'm amazed to find that despite my immaturity and uncertainty, I am still loved
I feel selfish when I remember that I am loved but realize that I still want MORE
I often think of heartache past
And try to convince myself that it wasn't so bad
So that maybe if I call him, reconcile with him, I won't feel so lonely
Because it wasn't that bad....Was it?
It wasn't so bad it was unbearable....And then I wonder, What does that mean?
What does that say about me? I don't want to settle!
 I am weak!
And why am I so selfish to not be able to replace that unhealthy attention with the fullness and genuineness of what I am receiving now?
Because it's real. Can I accept what's real?
I have never known such a thing. Or if I have, I have dismissed it as boring and unfulfilling
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I know there is potential, but I grow weary
Comfort in immediate gratification
Even when it's really not gratifying but at least I knew what to expect
I hate to be let down
I have low standards
But I'm trying to raise them!
Everyday, even when I don't do the right thing sometimes, I'm always thinking of change
I'm always thinking of someday
But trying to be present today
Be conscious in my body
It's so hard to live in the moment when the moment sucks
I often want to fast forward to the day when I am who I want to be
But when I think of it I remember that if I could do that
I wouldn't appreciate any of it
Because what is the future worth
Without the pilgrimage to the mecca
And who the hell is it that I want to really be?!
I don't even know that yet
I am guilty of not valuing things that are simply handed to me
I am guilty of taking advantage of ease
I am guilty of not loving myself
So how can I love anyone else
I am guilty of knowing all these things but still expecting more
I am guilty of insanity
I am guilty of lying
More to myself than to others, but what's worse when it all comes down to it?
And are those 2 things really different?
I have relapsed on coke
I have relapsed on alcohol
I have relapsed on marijuana
I have have even run to men
I have committed to doing things I know are not good for me
Sometimes I eat fast food
That in itself is terrible since I preach organic whole foods
I am a hypocrite
I am not as strong as I try to convince others and myself that I  am
I love yoga but I refuse to do it
Same with dance
I am lazy
I am mostly honest
Or at least I try to be
And I try to accept and understand my own discrepancies
I'm always working on that one
The longer I sit with who I am the more that shit comes up
But...Bottom line...I am just me
Trying to work to the best I can be
It's fucking hard goddammit.


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