Clarity

FIRST POSTED:  Tuesday, April 15, 2008 

Sometimes, yes, even now, after all the years of insanity via repeated behavior, I learn things the hard way. Important things. It's never a small thing that I end up coming to terms with through these incidences, and usually it ends up a painful lesson, going in the direction I absolutely DIDN'T want it to go. Valuable life lessons. Oooooohhhhhhhh....Bah.

I took a big fat leap off the wagon into a giant puddle of clarity last week. I thought, why not? It's just for fun, not something I'll return to regularly, everything in moderation. A time and place for everything. But I was wrong. It wasn't the time. I didn't enjoy it. And I realized it right away. It didn't turn out like I thought it would, but I did get to think about what I had done, why I had done it, and how I felt about it a lot. Which was one good result of my bad decision.

I realized that when I am fulfilling that desire within myself, I am actually taking so much of myself away. It's a pretty selfish thing, when all these years I have considered myself fairly selfless. What I couldn't see before, when I was in my comfort zone, which was nonstop, was that when I was in that space that I reserved only for myself, I wasn't capable of being even half of the person that I am when I am out of that space. I am robbing humanity of.....Well, really now, who knows just what. Because even I, after so many years of this shit, am not sure what I am truly capable of accomplishing.

I have always thought I am a kind person, the type of girl that would help anyone out if they only asked, sometimes even if they hadn't said a word but just needed it, and yet other times when it would just accommodate them and I had it in me to put forth the effort. I've always tried to go out of my way to contribute to the positive side of humanity, I've always tried to grow flowers. I realized that this is great, it's nice. But what if I had been at 100% instead of a mere 50% at most?

I just realized that although all these years weren't wasted energy and effort, they were, however, a great deal of wasted time. Time I could have used to achieve so much more. I see my little flowers growing around me....Yay! But damn. I wish that instead of a collection of potted plants, I had a prairie infected with the uncontrollable spread of wildflowers. Who knows what could have been, but it makes me excited to see what will be.

The real wake up call here was when my guy asked me how my wagon ride had been going. And I told him I'd jumped off. Just for a minute! I can catch up! He already knew. He was disappointed, after being so patient and encouraging, I hadn't fallen, I'd jumped. Why? Because I'd wanted to. And as a result, I wasn't my normal affectionate, sweet, positive self. I couldn't give him what he deserved, which was 100% of me. Instead, he got a distracted, shifty, distraught me. I shouldn't have seen him that day. But in my selfish-ness, I put me first, and didn't even consider him.

What he said to me was this, something no one's ever said to me before. And it sealed the deal. He said, in a nutshell, that he wanted to fall in love with a sweet, happy midwest girl. The REAL me. Not someone that wouldn't look him in the eye, kiss him, be there with him. Damn, was I confused. After so many years, I thought this WAS me. Soooooooo wrong. And for the first time, for the FIRST TIME, I found clarity. Right when I landed, head first, in a river of it. I had already realized it, I had found it and embraced it within myself, but now I was being baptized in it, held under the surface, feeling helpless and uncertain.

Why had I not seen this before? Why had I avoided it, ignored it, despised it, rejected it? Because I had WANTED to. No wonder karma hadn't been on my side for such a long time. It's almost cruel, like giving the world a taste of my candy soul, only a taste, and then taking it away. Have I been selfless? I would like to think. But I cannot lie. What a horrible thing to deprive the world, my world. Me. How can I live and not give all of me?

I wasn't living. I was just being. And I was wrong.